>> Stephen: WELCOME ONE AND ALL.
ALL AROUND THE WORLD. WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING TO
EVERYBODY AT HOME. IF YOU'RE STANDING,
YOU'D BETTER SIT DOWN. AND IF YOU'RE SITTING DOWN,
GET ON THE FLOOR AND WEEP. BECAUSE THERE IS A MASSIVE
CONTROVERSY ROCKING D.C. THIS WEEK, THE WASHINGTON POST
ASKED A QUESTION THAT GENERATIONS OF HISTORIANS
WILL DEBATE. THE BIDENS ORDERED THE SAME DISH
AT A RESTAURANT. WHO DOES THAT?
I'LL TELL YOU WHO! I'LL TELL YOU WHO!
A RENEGADE PRESIDENT WHO'S UP TO HIS BIB IN THE BIGGEST NATIONAL
FOOD SCANDAL SINCE NIXON SAID THIS.
>> "I AM NOT A COOK." >> Stephen: YES,
THANK YOU. THAT'S RARE.
WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT, WE'RE CALLING THE
BIDENS' REDUNDANT-ENTREE SCANDAL
"ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MENU!" NOW, ADMITTEDLY, IT'S A BIT OF
A SLOW NEWS DAY. AND I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE
WHO IS SO STARVED FOR A STORY THAT IT'S MAKING ME HANGRY.
THE MEDIA LANDSCAPE IS BRISTLING WITH HEADLINES LIKE
"BIDEN AND FIRST LADY'S ORDER SPARKS STRONG REACTIONS,"
"BIDENS' RESTAURANT ORDER SPARKS FURIOUS DEBATE,"
AND "THE BIDENS WENT TO DINNER AND ORDERED THE SAME DISH,
DIVIDING THE INTERNET." YES.
THIS IS A FAR CRY FROM THE LAST PRESIDENT AND HIS FIRST LADY.
THEY NEVER GOT THE SAME DISH. HE WOULD ORDER A BURNT STEAK
WITH KETCHUP, AND SHE ALWAYS HAD A SMALL SIDE OF BLOOD DIAMONDS.
BUT ONE THING THIS FIRESTORM PROVES: AFTER FOUR YEARS OF
THE LAST GUY PUTTING US THROUGH A DAILY ROLLERCOASTER OF
NEOFASCIST GRIFT, WE FINALLY GET TO BE OUTRAGED ABOUT
LOW-STAKE SCANDALS. SO BREAK OUT...
SO BREAK OUT YOUR TAN SUIT, EAT YOUR PIZZA WITH A FORK
AND KNIFE, AND PUKE ON THE PRIME MINISTER OF JAPAN, 'CAUSE
I THINK EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY!
SO LET ME WALK YOU THROUGH EXACTLY WHAT WENT DOWN
WITH THE BIDENS. EVERY DETAIL.
A FEW WEEKS BACK, JOE AND JILL SNUCK OUT FOR A DATE
TO A D.C.-AREA RESTAURANT. OKAY, THAT'S RIGHT.
NOT ONLY IS TODAY'S BIG STORY ABOUT TWO OLD PEOPLE EATING,
IT HAPPENED A WHILE AGO. AND HERE ARE EVERY SINGLE ONE
OF THE DETAILS. THE FIRST COUPLE ORDERED
A CHICORY SALAD, GRILLED BREAD AND BUTTER,
AND TWO BOWLS OF RIGATONI! HOW DARE THEY ORDER
THE SAME ENTREE! THIS IS AMERICA!
DAMN IT! THE RULE IS, YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE
GO IN WITH A PLAN. YOU ORDER DIFFERENT ENTREES,
SO YOU CAN TRY TWO THINGS. BUT THEN THE OTHER PERSON
SEEMS TO LIKE YOUR THING MORE THAN THE THING THEY SAID THAT
THEY WANTED. SO THEY KEEP TAKING BITES
UNTIL YOU SAY, "YOU KNOW WHAT, WHY DON'T YOU JUST FINISH IT."
AND THEN THEY SAY, NO, NO, IT'S YOURS.
I'LL EAT MY CHICKEN CAESAR." AND YOU SAY, "THIS IS THE
CHEESECAKE FACTORY ALL OVER AGAIN!"
THEN YOU FORGET YOUR LEFTOVERS ON THE TABLE AND DRIVE HOME
IN SILENCE, THE WAY GOD INTENDED!
BUT I'M SORRY. THERE ARE RULES.
THERE ARE RULES. THESE DAYS, IT ISN'T ALL PASTA
FOR THE PREZ. YESTERDAY, BIDEN GAVE A SPEECH
TO HOUSE DEMOCRATS, WHERE HE TOUTED HIS ADMINISTRATION'S
REDUCTION OF THE DEFICIT. JUST ONE PROBLEM: HE WAS A BIT
OFF ON THE NUMBER. >> WE CUT THE DEFICIT BY
1.7 BILLION IN TWO YEARS, THE LARGEST DEFICIT REDUCTION IN
AMERICAN HISTORY. >> TRILLIUM.
>> Stephen: IT'S PRETTY RARE FOR HECKLERS TO TELL YOU THAT
YOU'RE DOING BETTER THAN YOU THOUGHT.
"YOU SUCK...SESSFULLY RE-BOOTED THE ECONOMY!
BOOO-TIFUL JOB!" BIDEN ALSO HIGHLIGHTED A HUGE
WIN FROM YESTERDAY, WHEN ELI LILLY ANNOUNCED IT WOULD
FINALLY LOWER THE COST OF INSULIN.
>> SO MANY PEOPLE GET INSULIN. GUESS WHAT, INSTEAD OF 400 TO
500 BUCKS A MONTH, THEY'RE GOING TO PAY $35 A MONTH.
>> Stephen: THAT'S AN OVER 90% DISCOUNT!
THAT'S LIKE IF THE DOLLAR TREE CHANGED THEIR NAME TO
[BLEEP] IT, IT'S FREE. OF COURSE, BIDEN'S CHIEF RIVAL
IS LIKELY TO BE THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
BUT HE'S NO SURE THING. IN PART BECAUSE ACCORDING TO
INSIDERS, THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS FACING A "SOFT BAN" AT FOX.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WHAT?
WHAT? THEY'RE BANNING
THE EX PRESIDENT? THAT'S LIKE THE DISCOVERY
CHANNEL BANNING SHARKS. NO ONE WANTS TO WATCH
"SALTY WATER" WEEK. APPARENTLY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT
HAS FALLEN OUT OF FAVOR WITH NEWSCORP CHAIRMAN AND PLUM
YOU SHOULD HAVE EATEN FIVE DAYS AGO, RUPERT MURDOCH.
ACCORDING TO FILINGS IN THE DOMINION LAWSUIT, MURDOCH HAS
BEEN TRYING TO KEEP THE EX PREZ OFF FOX FOR A LONG TIME.
AFTER JANUARY 6, MURDOCH INSTRUCTED AN AIDE "TO MAKE THE
FORMER PRESIDENT A NONPERSON." HE WANTS TO MAKE THE FORMER
PRESIDENT "PERSONA NON GRATA". AS OPPOSED TO NOW,
WHEN HE'S "PERSONA AU GRATIN." INSTEAD, FOX NEWS IS TRYING
TO PROMOTE OTHER CANDIDATES, ESPECIALLY FLORIDA GOVERNOR
RON DESANTIS, SEEN HERE STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF
"I'M WITH STUPID" BOULEVARD. YOU SEE?
IT'S WORTH WAITING FOR THE JOKE. BUT THINGS ARE NOT GOING
ACCORDING TO UNCLE RUPEY'S PLAN. EARLIER THIS WEEK, FOX SENT
THE MOST INFORMATION-RESISTANT OF THE "FOX AND FRIENDS" DOWN
TO A DINER IN DESANTIS' HOME STATE OF FLORIDA IN HIS OLD
CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT TO SHOW JUST HOW POPULAR DESANTIS IS.
>> 2024. WHO'S PUMPED UP FOR THE ELEC
ELECTION? RAPID FIRE.
WHO IS YOUR MAN? WHO'S YOUR WOMAN?
>> MY MAN, DONALD TRUMP. >> WHO'S YOUR MAN OR WOMAN?
>> I WOULD SAY TRUMP. >> A LODGE OF TRUMP FANS.
>> Stephen: "HA HA. NOT THE ANSWER I WAS LOOKING
FOR. HAVE YOU GUYS NOT HEARD THERE'S
A SOFT BAN? PLEASE, SOMEONE SAY ANYONE
ELSE'S NAME OR RUPERT'S GONNA TAKE MY THUMBS."
YOU, SIR? ANYTHING?
THEN HE SAW ONE RAY OF HOPE. A WOMAN WEARING
A DESANTIS SHIRT. >> I SEE --
I SEE GOVERNOR DeSANTIS. WHAT ABOUT PRESIDENT DeSANTIS?
>> I LIKE IT. >> WHO'S YOUR PICK?
>> OH, GOSH. I DON'T KNOW.
TRUMP OR DeSANTIS. EITHER OR.
>> Stephen: EITHER/OR? YOU'RE WEARING A RON DESANTIS
T-SHIRT! THAT'S LIKE MR. MET SAYING,
"GO METS! OR YANKEES.
I'M NOT REALLY INTO BASEBALL. THIS IS JUST AN UNRELATED
MEDICAL CONDITION." IT'S A WEIRD PRIORITY,
BUT ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY, REPUBLICANS ARE LASER-FOCUSED
ON ONE ISSUE: BANNING DRAG. THE LATEST HATEFUL DUMMY
TO JUMP ON THE TURDWAGON IS TEXAS STATE REPRESENTATIVE AND
GUY WHO BROKE UP WITH HIS LAST GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T
LIKE "IMPRACTICAL JOKERS," NATE SCHATZLINE.
SCHATZLINE HAS AUTHORED A BILL THAT WOULD SEEK TO LIMIT DRAG BY
DESIGNATING ANY ESTABLISHMENT AS A "SEXUALLY ORIENTED
BUSINESS" IF IT ALLOWS "ON-PREMISES CONSUMPTION
OF ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES" AND PERFORMANCES BY A PERSON
WEARING ANY CLOTHING OR MAKEUP NOT STEREOTYPICAL
TO THEIR BORN SEX. IF SERVING ALCOHOL AND HAVING
MEN IN GOWNS MAKES YOU A SEXUALLY ORIENTED BUSINESS,
I'VE GOT BAD NEWS ABOUT CHURCH. NOT ME.
THAT'S HIM SAYING THAT. HE IS SAYING THAT.
SO, SCHATZLINE WANTS TO STOP PEOPLE FROM PUBLICLY WEARING
ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T CONFORM TO TRADITIONAL DEFINITIONS OF
GENDER. WHICH IS WHY PEOPLE HAD SOME
CONFUSION WHEN THIS VIDEO EMERGED OF HIM IN HIGH SCHOOL
RUNNING AROUND. ♪ ♪
OKAY, THAT'S HIM IN FRONT IN THE DRESS, AND THAT'S DRAG, AND
NOW HE'S TRYING TO BAN IT FOR EVERYONE ELSE?
THIS IS THE MOST HYPOCRITICAL MOVE SINCE NANCY REAGAN'S
FAMOUS ANTI-DRUG CAMPAIGN. "JUST SAY NO...
BECAUSE THAT'S MY BAG OF COKE. BACK OFF, OR I'LL CUT A BITCH!"
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE STEVEN SPIELBERG AND COMPOSER JOHN WILLIAMS.
THAT'S RIGHT. STICK AROUND.