(upbeat beatbox music)
♪ All I want is ♪
♪ But I don't need you ♪
(mechanical sound effect)
- Hi everybody, I'm Dave Stassin,
alongside Jeff Worthy
and welcome to the Annual East/West Bowl.
As we get ready to watch
some of the best college players in the nation
showcase their skills in a classic showdown
between East and West.
And there really are some characters on this year's squads.
Aren't there, Jeff?
- That's right, Dave.
It does seem like the most flamboyant personalities
came to the forefront and they are here.
Let's meet the players from the East.
(upbeat hard rock music)
- D'Marcus Williums, University of Georgia.
- TJ Juckson, Wayne State University.
- T'Variusness King, Merrimack College
- Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace, University of Miami.
- D'Squarius Green Jr., University of Notre Dame.
- Ibrahim Moizoos, University of Tennessee at Chattanooga
- Jackmerius Tackteritrix, Michigan State University
- D'Isiah T. Billings-Clyde, Coastal Carolina University.
- D'Jasper Probincrux III, South Carolina State University
- Leoz Maxwell-Jilliumz, East's Carolina University.
- Javaris Jamar Javarison-Lamar,
University of Middle Tennessee.
- Davoin Shower-Handel, University of Southern Mississippi.
- Hingle McCringleberry, Penn State University.
- L'Carpetron Dookmarriot, Florida Atlantic University.
- J'Dinkalage Morgoone, University of South Florida.
- Xmus Jaxon Flaxon-Waxon,
California University of Pennsylvania.
(upbeat hard rock music)
- We're going to be looking for big plays
all game long from Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace.
- And let's not forget the tight ends.
Ibrahim Moizoos and Hingle McCringleberry,
they've both had amazing seasons.
- That's right, Jeff.
Now let's meet the players from the West.
(upbeat hard rock music)
- Sagitariutt Jefferspin,
Texas A&M.
- D'Glester Hardunkichd, University of Wisconsin.
- Swirvithan L'Goodling-Splatt, Saskatchewan University.
- Quatro Quatro, San Jose State University.
- Ozamataz Buckshank,
Stanford University.
- Beezer Twelve Washingbeard, Jones College.
- Shakiraquan T.G.I.F. Carter,
University of Northern Arizona.
- X-Wing @aliciousness, Missouri Western State University.
- Sequester Grundelplith M.D., Adams State.
- Scoish Velociraptor Maloish,
South Dakota State University.
- TJ AJ RJ Backslasheinfourth V,
Albion College.
- Eeeee Eeeeeeeee,
San Diego State University.
- Donkey Teeth, Boise State University.
- Torque (construction noise) Lewis,
Nevada State
Penitentiary.
- The Player Formerly Known as Mousecop,
University of Missouri Columbia.
- Dan Smith,
BYU.
(upbeat hard rock music)
(phone ringing)
- Hello, thanks for calling Mario's Pizza.
This is Carlos speaking.
- Oh, Hello.
We would like
a large pie
with pepperoni, pineapple and cheesy crust.
- Large pepperoni with pineapple and cheesy crust.
- We would also like a large pie
with bacon pineapple
and cheesy crust.
- Large bacon pineapple with cheesy crust.
Okay. Is that gonna complete your order, sir?
- You know what?
Let me gauge the room.
Uh, guys?
We gonna want another pizza?
Let me just, who's hungry?
Show of hands. Let me see 'em.
One, two, three, keep 'em up.
Four, five, six
- [Carlos] Ah, having a party.
- Yep. Pretty big one, too.
Come on guys. Keep 'em up.
Hugo, Summer, hands, food.
You know what? Let's play it safe.
Let's get another pie.
It'll be ham, pineapple.
- All right. Ham.
Oh, you guys are gonna need cheesy crust on the third?
- Good question. I'll gauge the room.
Hey guys, do we want cheesy crust on the third?
Okay, yeesh.
That is a resounding yes
for cheesy crust on the third.
Claire says you read her mind.
- Claire. Huh?
I like that name.
- It's a good one.
Oh, also, my boy, Andy over here
is saying you have something called chicken poppers.
- Is she cute?
- [Caller] Who's that? And what now?
- Claire.
- Oh.
Her body's like a four.
Anyway. We would also-
- [Carlos] How do you mean?
- Ha.
Let's just say she's kind of a big girl.
- That's all good.
That's all superficial, man.
I like Claire for what's inside.
- You don't even know Claire.
- Yo, but for real though,
I feel like I do know Claire, man.
Put me on the phone with her.
- Uh.
You don't need to speak to Claire.
- No, I do.
- You know what?
I gotta level with you, man.
I (beep) her.
- Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to get in between you guys.
- No.
It's quite all right. (laughs)
Twas a while ago, before she blimped up.
My current girlfriend's Liv.
Body,
ten.
Face,
ten.
But anyway, Claire.
Yeah, I hit that
sexually.
And as did my boy, Hugo.
Hell, even Bubba got some of that.
So just wanted you to know,
used goods, used goods.
- So you wouldn't care if I asked her out?
- Well,
let me do it for you.
Hey Claire, this guy from the pizza place wants to date you.
Too poor? Alright.
I'll let him down easy.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No.
(romantic piano music)
Tell her that, no, I'm not a rich man.
But I'm a good man.
Tell her, Claire, I believe in destiny.
And I believe that we've always known
that our soul mate was out there.
The moment that we had that unspoken connection
about the cheesy crust,
I realized that you were always the one.
Because, and I know this sounds corny,
but that moment
was just, like,
simple.
(uplifting music)
- Wow. You really do care about Claire.
(Carlos chuckles)
- I do.
(glass shatters)
- Oh my God. Claire just got shot.
- What? No.
Oh, it just came through the window.
It was a bullet, hit her in the neck.
Oh, Claire's down.
She's dead. She's dead.
I'm calling the cops. She's dead.
- Claire.
No!
(dial tone ringing)
- Well, Chinese, it is.
(doorbell rings)
- Hey, hey, hey. - Hey.
- All right. - Hi, sweetie.
- Hey, Tracy. - Hey, Ginger.
- Girl, I got sunken tub. You gotta see it.
- Oh, I got to see this.
- All right.
- You two have a good time now
- Have fun. Have fun.
(Craig and Darrell laughing)
Dude, I am sorry we're late.
- Man, it happens, man.
- And she talk about
how we're supposed to be in the car at 6:45.
I'm like, all right.
- Uh-oh.
- Tell me my dumb ass ain't sitting in the car
waiting until 7:15.
- Nuh-uh. - Okay.
When I track my wife down 20 minutes later,
she's stepping out the damn shower talking about,
"Can I help you?"
- See that's crazy right there.
- Craig, I looked this woman in the eye, I said,
"Bitch,
you told me 6:45."
- Huh? You said that?
- Pssh. Yeah, I said,
"Bitch." Then I laid it out.
- But you said bitch though?
- Hmm?
- You said bitch?
- Yeah.
- [Tracy] You gotta see the fireplace
downstairs in the living room.
- [Ginger] Oh okay.
- Let's go down here.
- Don't play games, man.
Just tell me what you gonna tell me.
- Exactly.
It's like say what you mean, mean what you say.
- Is that so hard?
- That's like last week, man.
We going out to dinner, right?
I'm like, "Where do you want to go?"
She's like, "You decide."
- Uh-oh.
- I'm like, "All right. Outback Steakhouse."
She like, "Nah."
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm like straight up, "Chili's".
She's like, "Eeh."
- No. - No.
Darrell, I named seven more restaurants.
- No, Craig. No.
I finally said Taylor's,
the place I know she wants to go in the first place.
- Right. Right.
- She looked at me, she said,
"If that's where you want to go."
- No, she didn't, Craig.
- If that's where I want to go.
Darrell, I looked my woman in the eye sockets.
- Mm-hmm. - I told her straight out,
I just said it, man.
I said it.
I said, I said, I said.
I said, "Bi-"
- Hey guys.
- Hey there, how you doing? - Oh, how you doing?
- You having a good time? - Everything okay?
- You seen the bedroom? - We was just looking at wood.
- Have you seen their washing machine?
- Look at the wood up on the. - Their machine is huge.
- Ceiling here.
- You get a whole bunch of clothes in that washing machine.
- Baby, I'm gonna take her back up to the kitchen
and show her the dishwasher.
- Darrell. - Yeah, baby?
- I want kitchen island just like the one upstairs.
- You gonna get it too.
- I love you.
- I said, "Bitch,
if you wanted to go to Taylor's,
just tell a brother,"
- [Both] You wanted to go to Taylor's.
- Okay. - You said that?
- Oh hell yeah, man.
- Damn. - I laid it out.
Right? I says, I says, I says.
I said, "Bitch,
I'm the man of the house."
- You said bitch though?
- Hmm?
- You called your wife a bitch.
- Uh, yeah.
- Craig? - Darrell?
- [Ginger] Where are those guys?
- [Tracy] I don't know girl, let me show you this.
- [Darrell] So she's like,
"Why don't you rent a movie we both like?"
- [Craig] No, she didn't.
- After I spent 25 minutes in the goddamn Blockbuster, Craig
I looked this woman in her optic stems.
And I says, I said.
(vulture caws)
- I says, "Bitch."
- You said that?
- Ain't nothing but a thing.
- But you said bitch though?
- Yep.
- See, all right.
(phone ringing)
- Oh, my God.
Hey honey, Craig just giving me the neighborhood tour.
- So then she's like,
"I didn't know we'd be doing so much walking."
- Nuh-uh.
- I'm like, "I didn't tell you to wear those shoes."
- She said, "Don't raise your voice at me."
- What?
- Da-rell.
I looked this woman dead in the windows of her soul.
I said.
(door hydraulics closing)
I said,
"Bitch."
- All right.
Y'all gather round, gather round.
Welcome, gentleman.
What a beautiful and blessed day for an auction.
All right, y'all. Get on up there.
On a that way. On a that way.
- Put that whip down and see what happens though.
- Straight up.
I don't care what plantation I end up on,
I'm straight staging a revolt in this mother (beep).
- Hells yeah.
We have lot A,
lot B,
and lot C.
- $3 on lot A.
- $4. - Five.
- $5 going once, twice, three times.
Sold.
Lot A goes to the man in the black hat.
(crowd chattering)
- I mean, good. - Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- I'm glad I didn't get sold.
Cause I don't want to be owned by another human being.
- Whoever buys me, they better kill me the first day.
I'm gonna go buck wild on the whole operation.
- Okay.
- Next one, get up on up there now.
- Oh, this, okay.
- $6 on lot A.
- $7. - Eight.
- Nine.
- $9 going once, twice, three times.
Sold.
(both exhaling)
- Okay. Well, you have to buy that dude.
- That's a no-brainer.
- I mean that guy's huge.
- A massive individual.
- That's two of me. - Anybody would buy him.
- I'd buy that dude.
- My question is, "How'd they catch him?"
- Next.
- Oh. - Okay.
- $2 on lot A.
- $2 going once, twice, three times.
Sold.
- See, now that surprises me.
- That is interesting, to say the least.
- Well, it just seems like at a certain point,
it's like, do they even know what they're looking for?
- I mean like the whole criteria seems
just a little inconsistent.
- I mean, at some point, I wanna be on lot A.
- Yeah in which case, can a brother get on lot A?
- Next.
- Oh.
- Oh, here we go. - Here we go.
Been a pleasure.
- Give 'em hell. - All right.
- Okay.
- $8 on lot A.
- Going once, twice, three times. Sold.
- How does that happen? - Nope. Not true.
What you just said. - How does that happen?
- That's gobbledy-gook.
- Okay. That can't be true.
'Cause what can this dude do?
Look at him.
What could he pick?
A cotton plant is like this tall.
- Yes.
- I'm saying, no offense brother.
I'm just saying.
- Offense taken.
- What? (gasps)
- If I'd of knows.
- Am I wrong? Is he's not short?
He's short.
But you are actually short in real life in the world.
- You're good man.
- Enough.
I will not have my reputation
tainted selling superficial bigoted slaves.
- Superficial.
Did that really just come out of your mouth?
- That's it.
This auction's over.
- Auction's over?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It ain't over.
It's not over.
I'm strong, y'all. I'm very strong.
I can sleep in a bucket.
- I'm fast. I got stamina.
- I know I don't look it. - And I know magic.
- My worst quality is that I'm a perfectionist.
- Let me make sure, have I mentioned this?
Docile.
I am agreeable to a fault. (blows air)
You should have seen the dude that asked me
to get on the boat, when we came over here.
- Not a violent bone
in my body. - Just walking on.
No big deal.
Never seen a boat in my life.
(school bell rings)
- All right. Listen up, y'all.
I'm y'all's substitute teacher, Mr. Garvey.
I taught school for 20 years in the inner city.
So don't even think about messing with me.
Y'all feel me?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay. Let's take roll here.
J'Quellin?
Where's J'Quellin at?
No J'Quellin here?
Yeah?
- Do you mean Jacqueline?
- Okay. So that's how it's going to be.
Y'all wanna play.
Okay then.
I've got my eye on you, J'Quellin.
B'Lake?
Where is B'Lake at?
No B'Lake here today?
Yes sir.
- My name's Blake.
- Are you outta your goddamn mind?
Blake.
What?
Do you wanna go to war, B'Lake?
- No.
- 'Cause we could go to war.
- No. - I'm for real.
I'm for real.
So you better check yourself.
D-Nice?
Is there a D-Nice?
If one of y'all says some silly ass name,
this whole class is going to feel my wrath.
Now, D-Nice.
- Do you mean Denise?
- Son of a bitch.
- You say your name right, right now.
- Denise.
- Say it right. - Denise.
- Correctly. - Denise.
- Right. - Denise.
- Right.
- D-Nice.
- That's better. Thank you.
Now,
A-A-Ron, where are you?
Where is A-A-Ron right now?
No A-A-Ron, huh?
Well you better be sick, dead or mute, A-A-Ron.
- Here.
Oh man.
- Why didn't you answer me the first time I said it, huh?
- Huh?
- I'm just, you know, I'm just asking,
you know, I said it, like, four times.
So why didn't you say it the first time I said A-A-Ron?
- Because it's pronounced Aaron.
- Son of a bitch.
You done messed up, A-A-Ron.
Now take your ass on down to Oshack Hennessy's office
right now and tell him exactly what you did.
- Who?
- Oshack Hennessy.
- Principal O'Shanassy?
- Get outta my goddamn classroom
before I break my foot off in your ass.
Insubordinate
and churlish.
Tim-oathy.
- Present.
- Thank you.
(upbeat beatbox music)
♪ All I want is ♪
♪ But I don't need you ♪