WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS--
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THROW OUT YOUR CALENDARS BECAUSE FROM NOW
ON, IT'S 2020, BABY!
IT IS ON.
YESTERDAY, A NEW CANDIDATE JOINED THE RACE, AND THIS TIME,
WE HAVE HEARD HIS NAME BEFORE.
I'M TALKING ABOUT FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AND MAN SAYING, "UH
LADIES, MY TEETH ARE UP HERE," JOE BIDEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BIDEN HAS A FULL HEAD OF STEAM RIGHT AWAY.
HE WAS ALREADY THE FRONTRUNNER BEFORE HE DECLARED, AND IN A
POLL TAKEN AFTER HIS FORMAL ANNOUNCEMENT LAST WEEK, 39% OF
DEMOCRATS SAY BIDEN'S THEIR TOP CHOICE FOR THE NOMINATION, WHICH
PUTS HIM MORE THAN 20% AHEAD OF HIS NEAREST COMPETITOR, BERNIE
SANDERS.
SO IT LOOKS LIKE DEMOCRATS AREN'T FEELING THE BERN SO MUCH
AS THEY'RE JONESING FOR JOE.
OR VIBING THE...
BIDE?
OR WEEPIN' FOR THE FORMER OR WEEPIN' FOR THE FORMER
VEEPIN.
AND TODAY, BIDEN WAS ON "GOOD MORNING AMERICA" TO SHOW WHAT HE
OFFERS AS AN ALTERNATIVE TO TRUMP.
>> THE PRESIDENT HAS A MOTTO, "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN."
DO YOU HAVE ONE?
>> MAKE AMERICA MORAL AGAIN.
MAKE AMERICA RETURN TO THE ESSENCE OF WHO WE ARE, THE
DIGNITY OF THE COUNTRY, THE DIGNITY OF PEOPLE, AND
TREATING OUR PEOPLE WITH DIGNITY.
>> Stephen: MOVE OVER, MAGA
MAGA'S OVER.
BIDEN'S COMING AT YOU WITH "MAMA-MART-TEO-WWAT-DOTCT-DOP-AT
-OPWD."
( LAUGHTER )
ADMIT, BUT IT'S GONNA LOOK FANTASTIC ON HIS HAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: SOMETHING FERRELL WOULD WEAR.
>> Stephen: THAT MIGHT BE SOMETHING FERRELL MIGHT WEAR.
TRUMP WASTED NO TIME TAKING TWEET-SHOTS AT BIDEN.
YESTERDAY, AFTER BIDEN DELIVERED HIS ANNOUNCEMENT IN PITTSBURGH,
TRUMP TWEETED, "SLEEPY JOE BIDEN IS HAVING HIS FIRST RALLY IN
THE GREAT STATE OF PENNSYLVANIA.
HE OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T KNOW THAT PENNSYLVANIA IS HAVING ONE OF
THE BEST ECONOMIC YEARS IN ITS HISTORY, WITH THE LOWEST
UNEMPLOYMENT EVER, AND A NOW-THRIVING STEEL INDUSTRY--
THAT WAS DEAD-- AND GREAT FUTURE!
DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT.
THE DUES-SUCKING FIREFIGHTERS LEADERSHIP--"
WAIT, WHAT?
WHAT?
WHEN DID JOE BIDEN BECOME A FIREMAN?
THOSE WERE BACK-TO-BACK.
I CAN'T FOLLOW THIS TWEET CHAIN.
IT WAS ALREADY HEADED TO CRAZY TOWN, TOOK A SHARP LEFT AT
INSANE JUNCTION, AND PLUNGED INTO WHAT-ARE-YOU-TALKING-ABOUT
GORGE.
BUT AFTER GOING AFTER BIDEN MAY, IT MAY NOT BE A SMART MOVE FOR
TRUMP.
IN FACT, IT'S "EXACTLY THE BEHAVIOR SEVERAL OF THE
PRESIDENT'S POLITICAL ADVISERS HAVE BEEN WARNING HIM AGAINST."
BUT TRUMP HAS NO IMPULSE CONTROL, ESPECIALLY WHEN HE'S
TOLD HE CAN'T DO SOMETHING.
THAT'S WHY HE ALWAYS FAILS THE MARSHMALLOW TEST, OKAY.
(AS TRUMP)
EAT ONE MARSHMALLOW NOW, OR IF I WAIT, I GET TWO.
OKAY, HERE'S MY CHOICE: I ALREADY FOUND THE WHOLE BAG IN
YOUR DESK, AND I'M ALL FULL.
YOU LOSE!" TRUMP'S ADVISERS--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE CHEATS.
TRUMP'S ADVISORS ARE WARNING HIM NOT TO SINGLE OUT ANY TOP
DEMOCRATIC CONTENDERS BECAUSE THAT COULD GIVE THEM MORE OXYGEN
TO RISE ABOVE THE CROWDED PACK.
AND LET'S BE HONEST, AT THEIR AGES, BOTH TRUMP AND BIDEN NEED
ALL THE OXYGEN THEY CAN GET.
( LAUGHTER )
DESPITE GETTING A LATE START IN THE CAMPAIGN SEASON, BIDEN ISN'T
AND I WAS SURPRISED ABOUT THIS-- HE'S NOT CALLING IN ANY FAVORS.
IN FACT, A FEW DAYS AGO, HE TOLD REPORTERS THAT "HE ASKED BARACK
OBAMA NOT TO ENDORSE HIM."
YES, HE DOES NOT WANT OBAMA ANYWHERE NEAR HIS CAMPAIGN, SO
JOE MUST BE FURIOUS THAT SOMEHOW OBAMA SNUCK INTO ALL OF BIDEN'S
LATE AD.
>> THIS IS AN EXTRAORDINARY MAN WITH AN EXTRAORDINARY CAREER IN
PUBLIC SERVICE.
SOMEBODY WHO HAS DEVOTED HIS ENTIRE PROFESSIONAL LIFE TO
SERVICE TO THIS COUNTRY.
HE REVITALIZED AMERICAN MANUFACTURING AS THE HEAD OF OUR
MIDDLE-CLASS TASK FORCE.
HE SUITED UP FOR OUR CANCER MOONSHOT, GIVING HOPE TO
MILLIONS OF AMERICANS.
HE CHAMPIONED LANDMARK LEGISLATION TO PROTECT WOMEN
FROM VIOLENCE.
THAT'S JOE BIDEN: RESILIENT, LOYAL, AND A PATRIOT.
>> Stephen: JOE BIDEN COULD NOT GET ANY CLOSER TO BARACK OBAMA
IF HE WERE A PAIR OF DAD JEANS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT FOR NOW-- MOM JEANS.
IT'S MOM JEANS.
MOM JEANS.
BUT FOR NOW, TRUMP'S STILL PRESIDENT.
AND TODAY, HE MET AT THE WHITE HOUSE WITH CONGRESSIONAL
DEMOCRATS, INCLUDING PARTY LEADERS AND THE LEAST-POPULAR
EXHIBIT AT MADAME TUSSAUD'S
CHUCK-- CHUCK SCHUMER AND NANCY PELOSI.
NOW, YOU MAY RECALL THAT THE LAST TIME THESE TWO GOT TOGETHER
WITH TRUMP, THINGS DID NOT GO WELL FOR TRUMP.
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AN INFORMAL MEETING, BUT DONALD
TRUMP INVITED THE CAMERAS IN THERE HOPING TO SCHOOL CHUCK AND
NANCY ON THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN.
BUT HE SAID THIS ON CAMERA: >> I AM PROUD TO SHUT DOWN THE
GOVERNMENT FOR BORDER SECURITY, CHUCK, BECAUSE THE PEOPLE OF
THIS COUNTRY DON'T WANT CRIMINALS AND PEOPLE THAT HAVE
LOTS OF PROBLEMS AND DRUGS POURING INTO OUR COUNTRY.
SO, I WILL TAKE THE MANTLE.
I WILL BE THE ONE TO SHUT IT DOWN.
I'M NOT GOING TO BLAME YOU FOR IT.
THE LAST TIME YOU SHUT IT DOWN, IT DIDN'T WORK.
I WILL TAKE THE MANTLE OF SHUTTING DOWN.
>> GOOD.
>> Stephen: I WOULD SAY HE PUT HIS FOOT IN HIS MOUTH, BUT THE
FOOT WOULD HAVE STOPPED HIM FROM TALKING.
(AS TRUMP)
I'M THE ONE TO BLAME FOR THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN.
NOW, FOOT, STAY STILL.
I NEED TO SHOOT YOU.
THAT WILL TEACH ME."
( APPLAUSE )
WAS A BIG INFRASTRUCTURE BILL, WHICH IS WHY WE'RE CALLING THIS
SHOWDOWN: WELL-- WE--
( LAUGHTER )
BE LONGER THAN ANY OF THE JOKES WE HAVE COMING UP AFTER.
WELL, NO CAMERAS WERE INVITED IN TO THE MEETING, AND,
APPARENTLY, THEY WERE ACTUALLY CIVIL TOWARD EACH OTHER.
AND THEY AGREED TO SPEND A MUCH- NEEDED $2 TRILLION TO REPAIR OUR
ROADS AND BRIDGES.
BUT THE QUESTION IS, WHERE IS THAT MONEY GOING TO COME FROM?
>> WE AGREED WE WOULD MEET AGAIN TO TALK ABOUT HOW IT WOULD BE
PAID FOR.
>> WE SAID WE WOULD MEET IN THREE WEEKS, AND HE WOULD
PRESENT TO US SOME OF HIS IDEAS ON FUNDING.
>> Stephen: FUNDING, OKAY, HERE ARE MY IDEAS.
PLAN "A," DOES AMERICA HAVE A RICH DAD?
NO?
THEN PLAN "B," I SAY WE BURN THE COUNTRY DOWN TO THE GROUND FOR
INSURANCE MONEY.
I KNOW A GUY IN WEEHAWKEN NAMED SPARKY.
NEVER TALKS."
THINGS WERE SO COLLEGIAL AT THIS MEETING, THAT, APPARENTLY,
"TRUMP SHARED SOME WHITE TIC TACS WITH SPEAKER
PELOSI DURING THE MEETING, WHICH SHE ATE."
TIC TACS?
BUT THAT'S WHAT HE PULLS OUT BEFORE HE GRABS-- NANCY, GET OUT
OF THERE!
YOU TOO, CHUCK.
JUST TO BE SAFE!
RUN!