- Well, you'll probably meet someone you hate in college
and forget all about me.
- Nah, I don't think that's possible.
- Wow. Really is the end of an era.
(bright music)
- Oh my God.
I just realized that this is our last
first day of sophomore year we'll ever have.
I'm gonna cry.
- Right. This reminds me of a problem
I wanna talk to you guys about.
We're not cool.
- Uh, would a not cool person wear
one dangly earring.
- Was that a choice or did you lose your earring on the bus?
- I didn't ride the bus. I roller bladed
- All right. My turn, my turn, my turn.
Never have I ever had sex at school.
- Aneesa, how dare you.
Cheers, babe.
- Yeah drama room.
Ms. Thompson, they had sex in the drama room.
- Yeah, I got that, Fab. Thank you.
And once again, you can just call me Lindsay.
- All right.
Never have I ever hooked up in my bestie's bed.
Fabiola, you better pick up that damn cup.
- Devi are you still praying?
Our Gods have other stuff to do, you know?
- I was about to ask for good grades.
- Now grab your textbooks. We need to go.
- Devi, that textbook has been blessed.
If it touches the ground,
I have to take it back to the priest.
I don't have the time to go to Rancho Cucamonga today.
Devi, you better be up.
Arriving two hours early at the airport does not include
time for a random screening and security.
- You're up?
- Wide awake, fully packed, mostly showered.
- So, you're ready?
- Yeah. I think I am.
Wait, I forgot something.
You start loading the car. I'll be right back.
- Oh Devi. I made you a lunch.
- [John] That's Devi's cousin, Kamala.
She moved in after Mohan's passing
to complete her PhD at Caltech.
Devi is not a fan.
- I don't bring lunch on Tuesdays.
It's square pizza day.
- Devi, don't be rude to your beautiful cousin.
- I'm not that beautiful.
(crashing sounds)
- Sorry. Are you a model?
- Oh. Thank you so much.
No, I'm a biologist.
I could never be a model.
I'm too curvaceous.
- Do you wanna get outta here?
- (sighs) I can't.
My mom will kill me if I leave.
I'm so sorry.
- Oh.
- I'll cover for you. Go.
(upbeat music)
- Mr. Chan. It smells like shit over here.
- What? No, it doesn't.
- Yeah, it does.
It smells like there's like actual shit in this room.
- There's not.
The room was cleaned over the summer.
- Okay, well what about those vents?
Did they clean those vents over the summer?
There could be shit up there.
You don't know.
- Eric, enough. We're playing.
Strings, lead us in.
(bright orchestra music)
- Mr. Chan, I can't play like this.
You come over here and sniff,
and tell me there's not shit nearby.
- God damn it. Eric.
(uplifting music)
- So how'd I do?
(uplifting music continues)
- Eh.
- Good enough to be a JV alternate.
(crowd cheers and applauds)
- Yes!
- That's what I'm talking about, bro.
(crowd cheers)
- Oh, alright. Okay.
- Everybody, we have a new transfer student.
Aneesa, please introduce yourself.
- Hey, what's up? I'm Aneesa.
I transferred from Chilika Prep.
Oh shit. Should I say more?
Shit. Sorry for saying shit.
Okay. Yeah. Am I nailing this?
(class laughs)
I don't know what to say.
I play soccer.
- For real? What position?
- Defense.
- Checks out. She's legit.
- Never have I ever hooked up with.
(soft music)
Ben?
- Been there.
(group laughs)
- Nirmala, mommy?
- Nalini? So happy to see you.
Come, come, come.
- So nice to see you.
Did you always have this many plants?
- Oh, I might have gotten a couple
since the last time you were here.
- Come, come.
- Thank you. - Sit, sit.
Here, eat something.
- Oh, oh, oh. Okay.
- You are too thin, ma.
- Okay. (laughs)
Mm. - That paratha is good, no?
- Mm hmm.
- And to think you almost didn't get any.
The shopkeeper said he was out of lentils.
I said go look in the back.
One minute later he returns
and in his hand, lentils.
- Now go play your harp so your grandmother
can show everyone the dip she practiced.
And then go right back upstairs.
- Okay.
- Nālu, you've been criticizing that girl all weekend.
Need I remind you that I'm the bridezilla here.
- I'm sorry, but she needs to grow up.
- You know why you're picking fights with her, right?
Because you're scared that she's leaving.
I used to do the same thing with Mohan.
He would be heading off to the airport and I'd yell at him
because his clothes were too wrinkled
or his hair was too long.
Don't waste your last night with her, Nālu.
I know it's hard to let go, but it's time.
(soft harp music)
- Have you seen the nurse's new haircut?
I love it.
No, I have to check it out.
- Guys, sophomore year is gonna be our year.
You can feel it.
- Sophomore actually means "wise fool" in Greek.
So it can really go either way.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait. Who's bed?
- Remember that party where you two-timed Paxton,
and then he got hit by a car,
and then his swimming career was over?
- Okay, yep, yep. Yeah. Everyone remembers that.
- Me and Eve had a make out sesh on your bed.
(Devi gasps)
- Oh. - Damn.
- No. I'm actually not mad.
That's hot.
(group laughs)
- We can meet at my house.
I got a shit load of Uncrustables in the freezer.
- Nice.
- Wait, so who are you?
- This is Devi. She's cool.
And she's good at this stuff, so it's like a guaranteed A.
So I asked her.
- [Trent] Sweet.
- And I know you'd never be my boyfriend
because you're you and I'm me.
But I was wondering if you would ever consider
having sex with me.
Oh my God, I'm such an idiot.
I'm so sorry.
I can't believe I just did that.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- What?
- [John] What? That actually worked?
- Just sex, right?
- Just sex.
- I'm down.
But I can't tonight.
- Wow. Okay. Twist.
This is surprising.
Looking forward to it.
We'll circle back about it.
♪ Make you jealous so I know. ♪
- Well, I guess I should also drink.
- Why?
- Oh, I definitely had a couple solo sessions
on your futon.
(group gasps) - [Group] Ew!
- Come on.
- What? I flipped the mattress over when I was done.
- I sleep on that thing, bro.
- You're asking me to tell you if I think you're bangable?
- Yeah.
- Devi, I can't do that.
Ethically, legally, and most importantly, it's creepy.
- So you agree with Ben Gross and the whole school
and think I'm a disgusting troll.
- Hey, I am not going to tell you I think you're sexy.
I will tell you that kid sucks and you should ignore him.
- Dr. Ryan, you know how much trouble I have
taking the high road.
- I do.
Why don't you sit down.
When I first met you,
you were a closed off, angry little thing.
You didn't wanna get in touch with your feelings,
your pain, your trauma.
All you wanted to do was break stuff.
Hell, I had to start putting all my ceramics away
before you came in.
- Sorry.
- But look at you.
Look how far you've come.
You faced your trauma and you came out on the other side.
And I'm sorry to get a little emotional, but
there was some times there
when I was really worried about you, Miss Girl.
Look at you today.
I am so proud of you.
You survived, baby.
You're a survivor.
- You really mean that?
- This little college thing.
This is just a bump in the road
compared to everything you've already overcome.
You can do anything you put your mind to.
(glass shattering)
- Thank you, Dr. Ryan.
And thank you for helping me.
I'm sorry about your vase.
- That's all right.
That one was a little ugly, anyways.
- [John] This disgusted reaction belongs to Ben Gross,
Devi's nemesis.
Because Devi and her friends
were an ethnically diverse group of academically-focused,
um, I can't think of a better word for dorks,
the rest of the school called them
the gently racist nickname, "The UN."
It was widely known to have been created by Ben.
- Do you know when you can't use your legs
for no medical reason it's called psychosomatic,
which my dad says means fake.
- Devi, I think we should be together.
- Really?
- Yeah. Like when we both get to school.
Let's give this a real try.
New York and New Jersey aren't that far away.
I mean, culturally they're in different galaxies,
but geographically, I think we can make it work.
- Okay. As long as you stop shitting on Jersey.
- God, it's just so easy to.
- Hmm.
- But for you, I can try.
- Then I'm in.
(soft music)
- Okay. I should go home.
I have to head to the airport soon.
Oh shit.
How am I gonna get back into my sari.
- Oh, I'll pull up a YouTube video.
- Hmm.
- Hey Gods, it's Devi Vishwakumar.
You're favorite Hindu girl in the San Fernando Valley.
What's popping?
It's the first day of school
and I thought we should have a check-in.
I think we can all agree that last year sucked
for a number of reasons.
So I thought of a few ways you guys can make it up to me.
One, I'd like to be invited to a party
with alcohol and hard drugs.
I'm not gonna do them.
I'd just like the opportunity to say,
"No cocaine for me. Thanks. I'm good."
Two, I'd love for my arm hair to thin out.
I know it's an Indian thing, but
my forearms look like the frigging floor of a barber shop.
And lastly, most importantly,
I'd really, really like a boyfriend,
but not some nerd from one of my AP classes.
Like a guy from a sports team.
He can be dumb. I don't care.
I just want him to be a stone cold hottie
who could rock me all night long.
Thanks for considering.
I know when we normally talk, I usually ask for stuff like
smaller pores or a boyfriend who can do one armed pushups.
But this morning I really just wanna say,
thank you.
I feel really, really grateful.
I have this awesome life full of dope people
who care about me
and who love me.
So thanks for always looking out for your girl.
And if you wouldn't mind keeping an eye on my mom
while I'm gone, I would really appreciate it.
Also, wouldn't be mad if you equally distributed
my freshman 15 between my boobs and my ass.
Nope. No, no, no.
Nevermind. Forget that.
Just please take care of my mom.
She deserves to feel really lucky too.
Anyway, I love you guys.
And I'll see you at Princeton.
- [John] As she said, this is Devi Vishwakumar.
She's a 15 year old Indian-American girl
from Sherman Oaks, California
and it's her first day of sophomore year.
And I am legendary tennis player, John McEnroe.
- [Tennis Announcer] Point to Mr. McEnroe
(upbeat music)
(crowd cheers)
- [John] Wow, I look great there.
Devi finally had both the boy and the college of her dreams.
There would be other dreams, of course,
like becoming the first Supreme Court Justice
who's also a hip-hop artist.
But in this moment, our little hothead from the valley
was pretty happy.
So this is John McEnroe, live from Princeton, New Jersey,
signing off.
For now.
(upbeat music)