There are some news stories
that help us understand the world we live in,
and there are some news stories that are just stupid.
For those, we turn to Ronny Chieng.
-♪ ♪ -(cheering and applause)
Thank you!
America has a problem with food.
You guys want your food to be cheap and fast
but also to be fresh and healthy.
That's too many things, okay?
You can't have both.
It's like racial diversity at a ski lodge.
It doesn't exist.
And when Americans don't get everything they expect
from their food, you end up with dumb lawsuits, like this one.
REPORTER: The Reading Eagle reports
on a $5 million class action lawsuit
that accuses Godiva of misleading consumers.
The suit says Godiva's packaging reads "Belgium 1926,"
implying the chocolate is made there,
when it's actually made in Reading, Pennsylvania.
Godiva says the Belgian brand is proud of its roots
and the company's logo reflects the spirit.
Come on, guys. You're telling me that Americans care
that their chocolate isn't from Belgium?
I'll give you the money myself if you can show me
where Belgium is on the map.
But, also, Godiva,
why are you tricking people
about where your chocolate is from?
Nobody cares.
You could say that it was made in Bernie Sanders' shoe
and people would still eat it.
'Kay? People love chocolate so much
that Willy Wonka killed kids and we didn't even care,
because he made chocolate.
Americans are so entitled.
Not only does their cheap food have to be exotic,
they also want it to be organic, like this lady.
REPORTER: A Bronx woman is suing TGI Fridays for $5 million,
claiming the restaurant's potato skin snacks
aren't actually made of potatoes.
The potato skin snacks come in bags.
They're sold in stores and vending machines
across the country. The woman says she bought the snack
at a Bronx bodega but says she wouldn't have made the purchase
if she knew the product didn't contain real potatoes.
She claims the food is misbranded
and not as healthy
as the restaurant's popular appetizer.
Okay, so I get where this lady is coming from.
I would also be pissed,
because you can't sell a snack called potato skins
if it doesn't have any potatoes in it, 'kay?
Imagine if you got tickets to a Beyoncé concert
and, when you got there, I came out.
-(laughter) -(man whoops)
You would be furious. Why?
Because you're not ready for the jelly. (grunts)
But, still,
how is this lady suing for $5 million?
Like, how much did she spend on these potato skins,
four dollars? Okay, well, then she gets the four dollars back.
Okay? In fact, you know what, here-here's a ten.
Okay, go buy yourself 30 seconds of therapy.
I mean, honestly,
who is expecting food from TGI Fridays?
They give you two appetizers, two entrees,
and two desserts all for 20 bucks.
That's not a meal. That's a yard sale, okay?
Again, we don't need a lawsuit.
Just give the lady her money back, and,
TGI Fridays, you can still call them potato skins--
you just have to put a question mark at the end.
Yeah. That way,
you're not just selling a snack--
you're selling a mystery.
Seriously, America, you can't keep suing everything, okay?
Just accept the fact that everyone is lying to you.
Companies are lying to you, the government is lying to you,
your wife is cheating on you, with me.
Nothing is real, okay?
You can't even trust water.
A judge has given new life to a class action lawsuit
accusing Poland Spring of selling water
that's sourced from wells and not springs.
He ruled last week that an amended complaint
can proceed, with claims in eight states.
Poland Spring's corporate parent,
Connecticut-based Nestlé Waters North America,
reiterated Tuesday that it's a meritless lawsuit
and said the judge's decision
doesn't undermine its confidence.
That's right-- a woman is mad
that Poland Spring water doesn't come from a spring.
It comes from a well.
Yeah, I just told the people in Flint, Michigan
about this story, and they said to go (bleep) yourself.
-(laughter) -Seriously.
(cheers and applause)
Who actually thinks
Poland Spring water comes from a spring in Poland?
Do you also think your Smartwater went to MIT?
(laughter)
It's all marketing.
Although, to be fair, CVS water does come from CVS, okay?
It's locally sourced from the CVS break room toilet.
Look, I think America would have fewer lawsuits
if people were more skeptical
of what they put in their bodies in the first place.
If you ask me, this is a scheme people are using
to try and get rich, which is why I'm also joining in.
Trevor, I am suing you.
Consider yourself served.
Wait. What? Why?
Because the food you left in the fridge today wasn't organic,
and I almost didn't finish it.
Wait. What do you mean, "the food"? That was my food.
You ate my lunch, Ronny. That was my lunch!
Trevor, Trevor, we'll let the courts decide.
Ronny Chieng, everybody.