I'm not religious anymore.
I have had some friends find religion as adults recently
which is very upsetting.
If you grew up religious and you're not anymore
and your adult friends
find religion, it feels like God is your shitty ex-boyfriend
who's now getting it together for your friend
and you just have to watch it happen on Facebook.
They're like, "Have you met God? He's amazing."
I'm like, "Yeah, I grew up with God,
he's a douchebag, alright?
Did he tell you you were broken and you need him?
That's his move. That's what he does.
He says that to everybody.
Don't drink what he gives you.
You drink that, the next thing you know,
you're eating his body, the holy spirit's inside you,
it's a whole system they have
over at that frat house they call church.
Who else uses Roman numerals?"
That joke makes it sound like I resent my religious upbringing
and I do, so I nailed it. But...
No, honestly, if I had to come up with some stuff
that was like positive about my growing up religious,
I'm sure I could with enough time and money but...
I do have some issues with it.
It gave me some serious trust issues
and it just made me weird, growing up in church,
in ways that I am still discovering.
For example, I just found out that I masturbate wrong.
I will back up. Okay, so...
When I was growing up in church,
kids had youth group and at youth group, they were like,
"Don't have sex."
And we were like, "For sure, for sure."
And then, they were like, "Don't even masturbate."
And all the girls were like,
"Okay, we didn't even know that we could."
And all the boys were like, "Why?"
And...
the way they explained it to us was,
our youth pastor told us, he goes,
"It's not the physical act
of masturbating that's the sin, you guys, alright?
It's not even the orgasm. In fact, if you have a wet dream,
thank God for the freebie and have an awesome day.
But what are you thinking about
while you're doing that to yourself, guys?
That's what the sin is.
It's the lust in your heart.
It's the impure thoughts in your head.
That is what the sin is."
So when I got to be an adult and I wanted to masturbate,
I was like, "Well,
if I just don't think about anything,
I could probably still go to heaven, right?
Just like, clear your mind, get in there, get it done,
see you soon, Jesus, right?
Touch nothing but the lamp."
So I've been doing this my entire adult life.
All my friends are like, "You gotta meditate."
I'm like, "I think I do."
And-- and I do mean my entire adult life,
by the way.
I did not masturbate until I was a grown woman.
I was that afraid of going to hell, alright?
Yeah. I had my first orgasm with my college boyfriend.
Do you know how embarrassing that is
to get your first orgasm from another person?
That's like having a realtor show you your own house.
They're like, "And over here, we have a second bathroom."
You're like, "A second bathroom?"
"You've been here for 19 years,
you never went poking around on your own?"
You're like, "I did once but I thought Jesus would get mad,
so yeah. I don't actually own this place,
I'm just renting it from the guy upstairs, and...
if I flood the basement, I do not get my security deposit back,
so...
Is there anything else I should see while you're here?"
She's like, "Yeah, let me show you the doorbell."
I'm like, "Oh, is the doorbell even important?"
She's like, "The doorbell is the only thing that matters.
Nobody comes inside without touching the doorbell."