ALL AROUND THE WORLD, WELCOME TO
"THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
I'M SO GLAD EVERYBODY IS HERE
RIGHT NOW.
HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HERE'S AN EVEN BETTER QUESTION:
WHO IS EVERYBODY DOING?
WE'VE ALL GOT OUR HAPPY PLACE.
PERSONALLY, I'M A LITTLE TIRED
FROM ALL THE CHANCE WE'RE GIVING
HIM.
IT'S EXHAUSTING.
HOPE THAT WORKS OUT.
HOPE AND CHANCE.
TRUMP'S TRANSITION IS
TRANSITIONING.
DON'T KNOW A LOT ABOUT WHAT'S
GOING ON, BUT DO KNOW THAT HIS
TEAM HAS NOT YET CALLED THE
PENTAGON, POSSIBLY BECAUSE HE
KNOWS MORE THAN THE GENERALS.
OR MAYBE HE'S NEVER GOING TO
CALL THEM.
HE'LL JUST LAUNCH A LITERAL
TWEET WAR.
"@PENTAGON, PLEASE BOMB SYRIA.
#LYINGNEWYORKTIMES."
L-LYING!
( APPLAUSE )
IT'S FUNNY 'CAUSE IT'S TRUE.
( LAUGHTER )
OR MAYBE THE PENTAGON'S LINE IS
DOWN.
I DON'T KNOW.
I'VE GOT MY PHONE.
ALWAYS KEEP IT WITH ME.
LET ME JUST GIVE THEM A LITTLE
CALL RIGHT HERE.
( RINGING )
>> HELLO, YOU'VE REACHED THE
UNITED STATES PENTAGON.
IF YOU ARE CALLING ABOUT A
COUNTRY YOU'D LIKE TO INVADE,
PRESS 1.
FOR HOURS OF OPERATION AND
STATUS OF ONGOING WARS, PRESS
2.
IF YOU ARE PRESIDENT-ELECT
DONALD TRUMP, PRESS NOTHING.
SERIOUSLY, DO NOT PRESS ANY
BUTTON.
PLEASE.
I LOVE MY WIFE AND KIDS.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, SEEMS
TO BE WORKING.
GIVE THEM A CALL.
JUST GIVE THEM A CALL.
( APPLAUSE )
AND IF YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE FOLKS
SAYING, "I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN
A WORLD WHERE DONALD TRUMP IS
PRESIDENT," YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE
TO BECAUSE THIS WAS THE HOTTEST
YEAR ON RECORD.
AND TRUMP WANTS TO PULL THE
COUNTRY OUT OF THE GLOBAL
WARMING TREATY WHICH SEEKS TO
LIMIT RISING TEMPERATURES,
DESERTIFICATION, EXTINCTIONS OF
ANIMALS AND PLANTS, HEAT WAVES,
FLOODS AND RISING SEA LEVELS.
SOUNDS BAD, BUT AT LEAST FANS OF
"MAD MAX: FURY ROAD" WON'T HAVE
TO WAIT LONG FOR A SEQUEL.
OF COURSE, TRUMP DOESN'T EVEN
BELIEVE IN THE EXISTENCE OF
GLOBAL WARMING, HAVING TWEETED
"THE CONCEPT OF GLOBAL WARMING
WAS CREATED BY AND FOR THE
CHINESE IN ORDER TO MAKE U.S.
MANUFACTURING NON-COMPETITIVE,"
AND CALLING GLOBAL WARMING VERY
EXPENSIVE BULL-( BLEEP ).
OF COURSE, "VERY EXPENSIVE
BULL-( BLEEP )" IS ALSO THE
MOTTO FOR TRUMP UNIVERSITY.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
BUT NOW CHINESE OFFICIALS HAVE
RESPONDED TO TRUMP'S ACCUSATION
WITH A STRONGLY-WORDED
STATEMENT, AND I'M GOING TO READ
THIS IN THE ORIGINAL MANDARIN.
"NAH-UH."
( LAUGHTER )
I HOPE I'M PRONOUNCING THAT
CORRECTLY.
DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS, BUT --
ADDING, THE CHINESE WILL
CONTINUE TO FIGHT CLIMATE
CHANGE, "WHATEVER THE
CIRCUMSTANCES."
HOLD ON.
THINGS HAVE GOTTEN SO BAD THAT
CHINA IS TELLING US TO CARE
ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT?
HAVE YOU SEEN BEIJING?
NO, YOU HAVEN'T BECAUSE IT'S
HIDDEN BEHIND THEIR AIR.
AND THERE'S ANOTHER VOTING SHOCK
THIS WEEK.
THE ELECTION CAME AS A SURPRISE
TO SOME PEOPLE AS THE YOUNG LADY
NOTED BEFORE THE SHOW WHEN WE
WERE TALKING.
YESTERDAY, BOSTON RED SOX
PITCHER RICK PORCELLO WON THE
AMERICAN LEAGUE CY YOUNG AWARD
OVER THE TIGERS' JUSTIN
VERLANDER.
THERE WAS SOME CONTROVERSY OVER
THE VOTE COUNT AND VERLANDER'S
FIANCEÉE KATE UPTON WAS NOT
HAPPY, TWEETING, "HEY @MLB.
I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY PERSON
ALLOWED TO ( BLEEP ) @JUSTIN
VERLANDER?!"
THAT IS SALTY TWEETING.
SOMEBODY SHOULD WASH HER THUMBS
OUT.
LOOK, KATE, I GET YOU'RE
DISAPPOINTED, BUT THERE IS A
TRADITIONAL WAY TO REACT WHEN
YOU OR A LOVED ONE LOSES AN
AWARD.
WE'VE SEEN IT A MILLION TIMES ON
THE OSCARS AND THE EMMYS.
THE CAMERA IS ON YOU AND THEY
ANNOUNCE THE OTHER PERSON'S
NAME, AND THIS IS WHAT YOU DO.
( APPLAUDS )
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: BASED ON A TRUE
STORY.
( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF AWARDS, THE OXFORD
DICTIONARY HAS NAMED ITS WORD OF
THE YEAR FOR 2016: "POST-TRUTH."
AND I AM PRE-ENRAGED.
FIRST OF ALL, THAT'S NOT THE
WORD OF THE YEAR-- THAT'S THE
TWO WORDS OF THE YEAR.
HYPHENS ARE FOR THE WEAK.
SECOND, POST-TRUTH IS JUST A
RIP-OFF OF MY 2006
WORD-OF-THE-YEAR "TRUTHINESS"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH.
YOU HEAR THAT?
TRUTHINESS.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WHICH, ACCORDING
TO THIS ARTICLE, IS DEFINED AS
"THE QUALITY OF PREFERRING
CONCEPTS OR FACTS ONE WISHES TO
BE TRUE, RATHER THAN CONCEPTS OR
FACTS KNOWN TO BE TRUE."
FOR THE RECORD, THAT'S NOT THE
DEFINITION OF TRUTHINESS,
EITHER.
WHERE'S THIS ARTICLE FROM?
NBC?
#LYINNBC.
( LAUGHTER )
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT
TRUTHINESS MEANS, YOU KNOW WHO
TO ASK: STEPHEN COLBERT.
"TRUTHINESS: NOUN-- THE BELIEF
IN WHAT YOU FEEL TO BE TRUE
RATHER THAN WHAT THE FACTS WILL
SUPPORT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW, CHECK OUT THE DEFINITION OF
POST-TRUTH: "RELATING TO OR
DENOTING CIRCUMSTANCES IN WHICH
OBJECTIVE FACTS ARE LESS
INFLUENTIAL IN SHAPING PUBLIC
OPINION THAN APPEALS TO EMOTION
AND PERSONAL BELIEF."
I PERSONALLY BELIEVE I'M GETTING
RIPPED OFF, BUT THE EXPERTS HAVE
DECIDED IT'S THE WORD OF THE
YEAR, SO I'VE GOT TO BE GRACIOUS
ABOUT IT.
POST-TRUTH.
( APPLAUSE )
( APPLAUDS )