WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TOMORROW MARKS THREE WEEKS?
TOMORROW MARKS THREE WEEKS SINCE PUTIN INVADED UKRAINE, AND THE
RUSSIAN MILITARY STUKK REMAINS BOGGED DOWN, SO THEY'VE CHANGED
THEIR TACTICS TO JUST UNADULTERATED TERRORISM.
THE KREMLIN DENIES THAT THEY'RE TERRORIZING THE CIVILIAN
POPULATION, BUT KYIV MAYOR AND FORMER HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION,
VITALY KLITSCHKO, POLITELY DISAGREES.
>> PUTIN SAYS HE'S ONLY TARGETING MILITARY TARGETS.
>> (BLEEP)!
SORRY...
>> Stephen: NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE, CHAMP.
AND WITH UKRAINIAN CITIES, ESPECIALLY KYIV, UNDER
CONSTANT ATTACK, UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT VOLODMYR ZELENSKYY
GAVE A VIRTUAL ADDRESS TO CONGRESS THIS MORNING.
IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, IT'S WORTH WATCHING.
THE ULTIMATE THRUST OF ZELENSKYY'S APPEAL WAS TO THANK
BIDEN FOR WHAT HE'S DONE SO FAR, BUT ALSO TO CALL ON BIDEN TO DO
MUCH MORE.
AND FOR THAT CALL, HE SWITCHED TO ENGLISH.
>> AS THE LEADER OF MY NATION, I AM ADDRESSING THE PRESIDENT
BIDEN.
YOU ARE THE LEADER OF THE NATION, OF YOUR GREAT NATION.
I WISH YOU TO BE THE LEADER OF THE WORLD.
BEING THE LEADER OF THE WORLD MEANS TO BE THE LEADER OF PEACE.
THANK YOU.
SLAVA UKRAINE.
( APPLAUSE )
POWERFUL WHEN THAT MANY OLD PEOPLE JUMP TO THEIR FEET.
THERE ARE KNEES IN THAT ROOM THAT WERE ALIVE DURING THE
ROOSEVELT ADMINISTRATION.
IN RESPONSE TODAY, BIDEN ANNOUNCED $800 MILLION IN NEW
MILITARY AID TO UKRAINE.
THAT IS REMARKABLE, NOT ONLY BECAUSE OF HOW FAST HE MOVED,
BUT AT NO POINT DID HE USE THE PHRASE, "I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO
US A FAVOR, THOUGH."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT WE'VE ALREADY BEEN GIVING THE UKRAINIANS, INCLUDING
JAVELIN ANTI-TANK AND STINGER ANTI-AIRCRAFT MISSILES.
AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, WE'LL BUST OUT THE MOST POTENT WEAPON
IN THE AMERICAN ARSENAL: THE T-SHIRT CANNON!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: WHOA!
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH.
YOU WATCH YOURSELF, VLAD, OR WE WILL PELT YOU WITH METS
CREWNECKS THAT ARE ALL X-L.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LATER.
LET'S EARN IT.
WATCH-- WATCH WHERE YOU POINT THAT.
RUSSIA HAS BEEN DESPERATE FOR SUPPLIES AND WEAPONS, AND THEY
WERE JUST DEALT ANOTHER BLOW TODAY WHEN IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT
QUEEN ELIZABETH WILL NO LONGER LEND MOSCOW THREE ANCIENT
SWORDS.
THAT HAS GOT TO BE THE MOST BRITISH SANCTION OF ALL TIME.
( AS QUEEN )
BE RECEIVING ANY BEJEWELED RAPIERS, NOR SHALL ANY OF HIS
CREAM BE CLOTTED!
AND YOUNG RUSSIANS IN NEED OF LOVE AND DISCIPLINE WILL THAVE
TO DO WITHOUT FLYING NANNIES AND CHIMNEY SWEEPS.
CHIM-CHIMMA-(BLEEP)-YOOOUUUU."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LOTS OF COMPANIES HAVE PULLED OUT OF RUSSIA, BUT ONE AMERICAN
FRANCHISE IS STAYING: 190 PAPA JOHN'S RESTAURANTS IN
RUSSIA ARE STILL OPEN AND SELLING PIZZAS.
THAT'S CRAZY.
THEY CALL PAPA JOHN'S A RESTAURANT?
( LAUGHTER )
CORPORATE OPERATIONS, BUT THE VAST MAJORITY OF THE FRANCHISES
IN THE COUNTRY WILL KEEP CRANKING OUT THE SALTY BATHMATS
THEY CALL PIZZA, BECAUSE THEY ARE PRIMARILY OWNED BY RUSSIANS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THEY'RE SO RUSSIAN, THEY'VE EVEN UPDATED THE SLOGAN TO
"BETTER INGREDIENTS, BETTER PIZZA.
JUST KIDDING.
IS POTATO."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( BLEEP ).
THERE YOU ANY.
THERE YOU GO.
THERE WE GO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BLEEP ).
WOW!
I THINK THAT LANDED OVER IN THE WINTER GARDEN.
( LAUGHTER )
COMPANY WHICH OVERSEES THESE RUSSIAN FRANCHISES, EXPLAINED
WHY THEY'VE DECIDED TO KEEP OPERATING, SAYING, "THE VAST
MAJORITY OF RUSSIAN PEOPLE ARE VERY CLEAR HEADED AND UNDERSTAND
THE DARK GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION THEY'RE IN.
AT THE END OF THE DAY, THEY APPRECIATE A GOOD PIZZA."
ADDING, "UNFORTUNATELY, WE SERVE PAPA JOHN'S."
( LAUGHTER )
THE MOST PAINFUL LOSS OF ALL, BECAUSE MY BELOVED PARENT
COMPANY, PARAMOUNT, HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS TO SUSPEND
OPERATIONS IN RUSSIA.
THAT'S RIGHT, RUSSIA!
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: YEAH!
UH-HUH!
COME ON, GET IT.
>> Stephen: YOU STEP OUT OF LINE, AND THE GOOD PEOPLE AT
PARAMOUNT WILL SNAP INTO ACTION...
A COUPLE WEEKS AFTER WE MAKE SURE EVERYONE ELSE HAS DONE IT!
WE JUST-- WE JUST DON'T HAVE A VERY GOOD SIGNAL UP ON THE
MOUNTAIN.
WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON.
AND I GOTTA SAY, I THINK THIS MIGHT BE THE THING THAT ENDS THE
WAR.
PUTIN'S BOUND TO SURRENDER THE MINUTE HE HEARS HE'S LOSING
ACCESS TO A MOUNTAIN OF ENTERTAINMENT.
SAY DASVIDANIYA TO ALL 6 SEASONS OF "I-CARLY," "CROCODILE DUNDEE
IN LOS ANGELES," AND THE JEWEL OF THE PARAMOUNT EMPIRE,
"THE LOVE GURU," FEATURING YOURS TRULY AS A HOCKEY ANNOUNCER!
A SUBJECT I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT!
( APPLAUSE )
OF AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF THIS WAR DOESN'T STOP IMMEDIATELY, I AM GOING TO
EXTEND THE SANCTIONS ON "THE LOVE GURU" TO INCLUDE EVERY
NATION ON EARTH.
THAT'S RIGHT, NO ONE GETS TO SEE THIS MOVIE THAT I AM VERY PROUD
OF UNTIL THE WAR ENDS.
AND NOT JUST THIS WAR, ALL WARS.
NO, I MUST!
FOR PEACE!
I'M GONNA THROW "BEWITCHED" IN THERE, TOO.
I DON'T KNOW WHO MADE THAT ONE, BUT IT'S TIME THEY PULLED IT
FROM THE RUSSIAN MARKET, AND FROM MY IMDb PAGE.
ALL THIS ECONOMIC PAIN HAS PROMPTED RUSSIA TO SAY, "RIGHT
BACK AT YA' COMRADE!" BECAUSE YESTERDAY, RUSSIA
ANNOUNCED THAT THEY'RE HITTING BIDEN, BLINKEN, AND OTHER TOP
U.S. OFFICIALS WITH SANCTIONS.
OH, THAT'S ADORABLE.
THEY'RE DOING THEIR OWN SANCTIONS!
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU GIVE YOUR KID A BUBBLE LAWN MOWER AND THEY'RE
LIKE, "I'M A WORLD POWER, TOO!" AND YOU SURE ARE, BUDDY.
DOIN' A GREAT JOB.
THE SANCTIONS WORK THE SAME WAY OURS DO.
SO, FOR ANYONE ON THE LIST, ANY ASSETS THEY HOLD IN RUSSIA WILL
BE FROZEN, AND THEY ARE PROHIBITED FROM ENTERING THE
COUNTRY, WHICH WOULD BE A THREAT IF ANYONE WANTED TO GO TO
RIGHT NOW.
NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE TRAVELING TO SPRING BREAK IN YAKUTSK.
NUMBER ONE ON THE SANCTION LIST IS PRESIDENT BIDEN.
SORT OF.
BECAUSE THE RUSSIANS SANCTIONED JOSEPH ROBINETTE BIDEN, WHICH
SOUNDS LIKE THE PRESIDENT, BUT AS JEN PSAKI EXPLAINED:
>> I WOULD FIRST NOTE THAT PRESIDENT BIDEN IS A JUNIOR, SO
THEY MAY HAVE SANCTIONED HIS DAD, MAY HE REST IN PEACE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: GOTCHA THERE, JACK!
NO, PLEASE.
I'M THE LIL' JUNIOR MINT!
NAMED AFTER MY POPS, JOSEPH ROBINETTE BIDEN SR.
AND HE WAS NAMED AFTER HIS POPS, JOSEPH ROBINETTE BIDEN THE
PREQUEL.
FAMILY WAS SO POOR, WE COULD ONLY AFFORD ONE NAME.
ALSO SHARED ONE PAIR OF PANTS AND THREE SHOES WE KEPT ON
ROTATION.
TOUGH TO GET AROUND TOWN, BUT WE CLEANED UP IN THE THREE-LEGGED
RACE.
NAH, I'M SERIOUS, FOLKS!
WE WON ALL KINDSA TAFFY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ RIGHT NOW, RUSSIA IS MAINLY
TARGETING POLITICAL FIGURES, BUT THAT MIGHT CHANGE.
THEIR FOREIGN MINISTRY ANNOUNCED IT INTENDS TO SANCTION MORE U.S.
OFFICIALS, MILITARY LEADERS, LAWMAKERS, AND MEMBERS OF THE
MEDIA WHO ARE CRITICAL OF THE COUNTRY.
MEMBERS OF THE MEDIA WHO ARE CRITICAL OF RUSSIA?
WHY, THAT'S ME!
( LAUGHTER )
GONNA BE SO MAD IF JOHN OLIVER GETS BANNED FROM RUSSIA AND I
DON'T.
HE ONLY CRITICIZES PUTIN ONCE A WEEK!
WE SHOULDN'T EVEN BE IN THE SAME SANCTION CATEGORY!
HE GETS SANCTIONED EVERY YEAR!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE MICHAEL BUBLE AND ROSE MATAFEO.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!
IT IT.
♪ ♪ ♪