The GOP is dominating the news these days.
But did you know that there's
another political party out there?
They're called the Democrats!
And last week,
they burst back onto the scene with a hot new slogan.
That's the Democrats' bold new economic message --
A Better Deal.
A slogan with all the appeal of a President's Day mattress sale.
Which is perfect because the Democrats
are going to want a new mattress after they get [bleep] in 2020.
Look. I'm new to American politics.
Maybe I just don't get it. Can you elaborate a bit?
My constituents need a better deal
because they're working harder than ever.
Wait. [ Laughs ]
Did his voice just crack?
You know they had several takes of that,
and that's the one they chose?
They were like, "Do you like that one?"
He's like... [ High-pitched ] "Yeah. I crushed it."
The new slogan is actually
A Better Deal, Better Jobs, Better Wages, Better Future,
which is about as memorable as -- I don't know --
um, some [bleep] thing.
Jansing: It doesn't exactly roll off the tongue 'cause I had to read it,
which a lot of people say sounds like
Papa John's "Better Ingredients, Better Pizza."
[ Laughter ]
Except fast food knows how to sell itself.
They show you a burger and say,
"Here's a burger. It's delicious."
The Democrats would pitch it like this.
[ Imitates McDonald's jingle ]
♪ A burger ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
The problem is...
Democrats are [bleep] at branding.
You know who's good at branding?
Even if you hate Trump,
you have to admit that his motto sticks.
Make America Great Again.
We all know it. We all remember it.
That's why he sold so many hats.
But A Better Deal, Better Jobs, Better Wages, Better Future --
that barely fits on two hats.
[ Laughter ]
We shouldn't be so hard on the Democrats.
They actually have a good message.
Our corrupt economic system favors the wealthy,
and the working-class families are getting screwed.
In other words, we need to...
Drain the swamp!
[ Crowd chanting ] Drain the swamp! Drain the swamp!
Oh, he is so good!
The last good catchphrase the Democrats had
was Obama's "Yes We Can."
And even that was stolen from a blue-collar worker.
Can we build it?
Both: Yes, we can!
The Democrats have had a branding problem
for a long time.
For God's sakes, they've been using
the same barnyard animal symbol for 200 years.
You don't have to keep it that way.
You can change it whenever you want.
At least pick an animal that better represents your party,
like, uh, a high horse...
or a beaver that majored in creative writing.
But it's not just slogans and symbols.
Over 67% of Americans
think that the Democratic Party is out of touch.
Even Liberal voters don't seem to know
what the Democrats' message is.
Remember, these are the same people
who participated in the Occupy movement.
Man: We kept asking the simple question, "Why are you here?"
So, as it stands right now,
that message team will reveal that tomorrow morning.
So you guys are in the process
of forming the reasons why you are here?
Exactly correct.
[ Laughter ]
Yes.
Those brave souls who saw that capitalist interests
were unraveling our democracy
and thought, "I know! What if I slept outside?
Billionaires hate it when you sleep outside."
Democrats aren't going to turn the tide
unless they change their wishy-washy message.
Unfortunately, even when they try to change it,
it's wildly unsuccessful.
Just this week, a Democratic campaign chairman of the party
said that they would support candidates
who oppose abortion rights.
Jesus, Democrats! What -- I know you want to be inclusive,
but how about having some standards?!
What's next?
The Democrat candidate from Kentucky
is a white-supremacist coal miner
wearing a coat of dead baby seals.
But he has some good points about tax loopholes,
so give him a chance.
[ Laughter ]
Democrats aren't losing because of what they believe.
They're losing because no one knows what they stand for.
If that's true, why would you stand for even less?
Oh, let's take abortion off the table
'cause it might make some people feel uncomfortable.
No! [Bleep] stand for something!
Stop being a bunch of liberal cucks about it!
You don't have to sacrifice your core beliefs.
Just Trump up your slogans a little bit.
So, this is Democrats' message on gun control.
We will work tirelessly with responsible gun owners
to pass common-sense reforms.
Uhh...
You know what would be catchier?
Grab those guns! Grab those guns!
[ Audience chanting ] Grab those guns! Grab those guns!
Okay, okay, okay. On reproductive rights...
Women have a Constitutional right
to make these most intimate and personal
and difficult decisions.
Or...
you could say...
Abort that fetus!
[ Audience chanting ] Abort that fetus! Abort that fetus!
Look? See how much better these are?!
Snappy, unforgettable slogans!
So forget "A Better Deal, Better Jobs,
Better Wages, Better Future."
In 2020, your new slogan should be...
"Democrats: you know you want the D."
We'll be right back.