>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS, EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE SOME
PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE PRESIDENTIAL
ELECTION ANYMORE...
( LAUGHTER )
LESS THAN A YEAR AWAY, AND IT'S IMPORTANT!
AND I'LL TELL YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S "DOING IT DONKEY
STYLE."
FIRST UP IN THE D-ZONE, FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AND TELEVANGELIST
TELLING YOU HOW TO WHITEN YOUR TEETH WITH THE POWER OF PRAYER,
JOE BIDEN.
BIDEN HAS A NEW CAMPAIGN TOOL AIMED AT RURAL IOWA VOTERS:
THE NO MALARKEY BUS TOUR!
THAT IS CHARMINGLY OLD FASHIONED, BUT NOT NEARLY AS
MUCH AS HIS FIRST PITCH, "UNCLE JOE-JOE'S MINIMAL FIDDLE-FADDLE
WHISTLESTOP JALOPY DRIVE-ABOUT."
UNFORTUNATELY, BIDEN'S CAMPAIGN SO FAR DOES CONTAIN TRACE
AMOUNTS OF MALARKEY.
SPECIFICALLY, A LITTLE TRASH TALK ABOUT ENTHUSIASM FOR HIS
DEMOCRATIC RIVALS.
BIDEN TOLD REPORTERS, "YOU DON'T SEE THAT ENTHUSIASM WITH WARREN.
STOP KIDDING A KIDDER, OKAY?
COME ON, MAN.
GIVE ME A BREAK."
( AS BIDEN )
GIVE ME A BREAK!
IT'S BALONEY, POPPY-COCK, FLIM-FLAM-BALDERDASH-HORSEHOCKEY
ONE OF THESE HAS TERMS HAS GOTTA BE CURRENT, RIGHT?
IS IT CRUNK?
AM I CRUNK?
IS IT CRUNK?
>> Jon: NO, THAT'S DONE.
CRUNK IS DONE >> Stephen: AM I DONE?
>> Jon: NO >> Stephen: I'M NOT DONE.
( LAUGHTER )
CLEARLY, JOE BIDEN IS HUNGRY FOR VICTORY, OR HUNGRY FOR
SOMETHING, BECAUSE RECENTLY THIS VERY TOUR BROUGHT US ONE OF THE
MOST BAFFLING IMAGES OF THE ENTIRE CAMPAIGN, WHEN DURING HIS
WIFE JILL'S SPEECH, JOE LEANED OVER AND NIBBLED ON HER FINGER.
CAN WE SEE A CLOSE-UP OF THAT, JIM?
AND CAN WE-- I DON'T-- CAN WE SHOW THAT ON CBS, JIM?
( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S BETTER.
IT'S FAMILY-- PAY ATTENTION.
JILL, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
YOU'VE GIVEN JOE A TASTE FOR HUMAN FLESH!
NOW AT THE DEBATE, HE'S JUST GOING TO DEVOUR PETE BUTTIGIEG!
ELSEWHERE IN THE D-STYLE, THERE'S A HUGE NUMBER OF
DEMOCRATS RUNNING THIS YEAR.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT PERSON IS.
BUT SEVERAL OF THEM HAVE JUST DROPPED OUT.
FOR INSTANCE, SENATOR KAMALA HARRIS HAS ANNOUNCED SHE IS
DROPPING OUT OF THE RACE.
THERE SHE IS.
OFF TO LOW ORBIT.
WHEN IT COMES TO NOT BEING THE FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT, SHE WAS
THAT LITTLE GIRL.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: OOOOH!
>> Stephen: YOU'RE WELCOME.
SENATOR HARRIS RAN OUT OF MONEY AS SHE STRUGGLED IN POLLS,
WHICH SHE ANNOUNCED THIS WAY: >> HERE'S THE TRUTH TODAY.
I'VE TAKEN STOCK AND I'VE LOOKED AT THIS FROM EVERY ANGLE, AND
OVER THE LAST FEW DAYS, I HAVE COME TO ONE OF THE HARDEST
DECISIONS OF MY LIFE.
>> Stephe: TECHNICALLY, IT'S NOT A DECISION IF YOU RAN OUT OF
MONEY.
THAT'S LIKE GOING ON A DATE AND SAYING, "HERE'S THE TRUTH TODAY.
I'VE TAKEN STOCK AND LOOKED AT THIS FROM EVERY ANGLE AND
I'VE COME TO THE DECISION THAT I'M BROKE ,AND YOU'RE PAYING FOR
DINNER.
IT'S ONE OF THE HARDEST-- HAEFORTD DECISIONS I'VE EVER
MADE."
IN HER ANNOUNCEMENT, HARRIS PROMISED TO CONTINUE TO FIGHT
DONALD TRUMP, AND IT DIDN'T TAKE HER LONG TO PROVE IT.
AFTER SHE DROPPED OUT, HE TWEETED, "TOO BAD.
WE WILL MISS YOU KAMALA!" TO WHICH SHE REPLIED, "DON'T
WORRY, MR. PRESIDENT.
I'LL SEE YOU AT YOUR TRIAL."
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: COME ON!
COME ON!
>> Stephen: OH, SHE'S RUNNING.
( LAUGHTER )
THE RACE.
ON MONDAY, MONTANA GOVERNOR STEVE BULLOCK ALSO DROPPED OUT.
UNFORTUNATELY, DUE TO HIS LOW POLL NUMBERS, BULLOCK DID NOT
QUALIFY TO BE IN THIS JOKE.
( LAUGHTER )
THIS A LITTLE PERSONALLY.
BECAUSE, YOU SEE, BOTH HARRIS AND BULLOCK HAD MEMORABLE
APPEARANCES ON "THE LATE SHOW."
HARRIS WAS ON THE SHOW FOUR TIMES, INCLUDING JUST TWO WEEKS
AGO FOR HER LAST APPEARANCE ON LATE NIGHT AS A CANDIDATE.
AND REMEMBER WHO ANNOUNCED THEY WERE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT ON MY
SHOW?
KIRSTEN GILLLIBRAND AND ERIC SWALLWELL.
I AM OFFICIALLY THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY KISS OF DEATH.
( LAUGHTER )
ISN'T FOR SURE.
IT MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY GREEN ROOM, WHERE I
STORE MY LADDER, BROKEN MIRROR, AND BLACK CAT COLLECTION.
BUT IF I'M GOING TO BE A JINX, I MIGHT AS WELL USE IT TO HELP
AMERICA: JOHN DELANEY, COME ON THIS SHOW.
IT'S TIME.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK...