(bright music)
- [Narrator] Louis is hunting for Hanukkah presents.
They're surely hiding under one
of the many messes he's creating.
He scans the basement, leading Disney's viewers
to believe Jews are robots.
Walt would've loved it.
Mama Stevens is whipping up latkes,
telling the story of Hanukkah for kids
in flyover states who have never met a Jew.
Where's Louis?
He's in a presents dutch oven, huffing gifts like a fiend.
Louis hears Papa coming and wraps the loot
in a ball he hangs out a second story window.
Shockingly, his plan comes unraveled.
Everything gets smashed.
The fam rags on Louis for his brain dead scheme
to steal stuff that would soon be his
just to sniff and destroy.
He hears the words no child ever wants to hear.
- You are grounded for Hanukkah.
- [Narrator] Nooooooo!
Louis makes a Hanukkah wish.
- They'd be better if I was never born.
- [Narrator] Baroohattaddahawhatthefuck?
It's Louis' great great great great Grandmother Bubbie Rose!
Louis doesn't buy it, so Bubbie
does some very scary Jewish ghost magic.
She heard his emo prayer to die,
and Bubbie's in the building to give him
a Hanukkah he'll never forget.
We going' on a journey, son!
But not before you put on this sweater.
Bubbie's orders.
Louis' dead grandcestor flies his ass
around the moon and back, a Hanukkah tradition,
and brings him to a world where he was never born.
She says his family can't see or hear him,
but Louis remains skeptical of
this intergalactic super-powered spirit.
Bubbie was not lying, and because Louis
was never born, the fam got Curtis instead.
Curtis is an honor student who would never destroy
Hanukkah gifts or get kicked out of a Jerry's Deli
for throwing his gin & tonic at the bartender.
Denser than a stack of bricks, Louis tries talking to Ren,
then ghost wizards into her locked bedroom.
Let's hope she's not lady jacking.
Fortunately, Ren was not spinning her dreidel.
Louis fingers her brain?
There might be a better way to say that.
Probably not.
In this Louis-less land, Ren's a leather-clad bad girl
dating a motorcycle-riding bad boy named Spider.
Fucking awesome.
Donnie walks in to say, like Ren, he's depressed
living in Curtis' perfect shadow.
Enter Curtis, who bitches them out
for breathing too loud while he studies.
He's a looney monster dingus.
Bubbie gives Louis a magic dead lady kiss.
Gross.
Now they can see him!
Ren and Donnie question this child,
who appeared the fuck out of nowhere.
Louis says he's a foreign exchange student
from Pennsylvania, an alibi that raises
more questions than it answers.
They spill their guts to this stranger,
lamenting the frustrations of living
with a faultless sibling.
Louis says you gotta focus on your strengths.
- I can spit really far.
- [Narrator] A skill Ren picked up dating Spider.
Everyone is sick of walking on
eggshells for Curtis Bin Laden.
Louis interrupts the family's kitchen kvetch sesh.
Ren invites this kid, who appears to have no intention
of leaving, to stay for Hanukkah.
Louis offers to help, then does
the opposite and drops that chicken.
The Stevens clan becomes instantly enamored
with this juvenile rando molesting raw poultry for giggles.
Curtis ain't havin' it.
Louis is entering hour 7 of his chicken comedy special,
wearing the bird like a hat to lead
a conga line, a Hanukkah tradition.
Curtis plants an envelope of
Hanukkah cash in Louis' sweater.
Someone definitely found one of Walt's old journals.
Attention!
The Hanukkah dough is missing.
Detective Curtis investigates.
- Here, Dad, let me check again.
Oops!
- [Narrator] Very smooth.
The fam wisely decides it might be time
to more thoroughly interrogate this home invader
with a shaky backstory who wears raw meat like a helmet.
Curtis is gonna call 5-0!
Curtis blows.
Oh noooo!
It was all a dream.
The fam talked it over.
They're ready to forgive Louis for ruining Hanukkah
and forgive him in advance for ruining Transformers.
Everybody's throwing wood at Mount Sinai Casino
when Aunt Bubbie strolls in to say
she found these in the trash.
Why would this family she doesn't know
throw out perfectly good unsmashed gifts?
Bubbie vanishes,
then blows Louis a goodbye kiss.
Scariest fucking Hanukkah ever.
So what did we learn today?
If you watch the Disney channel to learn about
Jewish culture, you're in for a bumpy ride.
They got the latkes and holiday backstory right,
but Jews are not robots from the future with magical dead
grandma ghosts who fly you into space and un-smash gifts.
And if you're writing a holiday episode,
rip off It's A Wonderful Life.
The formula works great, because this magical
time of year makes people want to die.
And Bubbie will never let you leave the house
without your sweater, especially not over her dead body.
See you next time on A Very Special Episode.