Well, let's get to it,
here's my real gift.
My true gift,
who talks like that?
My true gift.
I'm a motivational speaker.
(audience laughing)
No, I help people.
I help right?
All right, focus, focus.
Here's the deal.
It doesn't matter how old
or ugly a man is,
as long as he is wealthy or famous,
he will get a hot chick
to the day he dies.
Women, we have a shelf life
of about 35,
40, with good refrigeration.
(audience laughing)
I did not make this up.
I learned this decades, decades ago,
from Anna Nicole Smith,
my spiritual advisor.
(audience laughing)
Anna was married to an
octogenarian in a wheelchair,
that's a man in his 80s.
(audience laughing)
He hadn't walked since Watergate,
(audience laughing)
that was a political crisis
in our country,
in the 1970s.
(audience laughing)
You're so cute, you're so cute.
Well, they're young, and in love,
and I've gotta help them.
(audience laughing)
Anna was voluptuous, gorgeous,
he couldn't move on his own.
Anybody seen the inequity?
Anybody? Anybody? Anybody?
Okay. Over for me, I feel like Canada,
I have so much to offer,
but nobody gives a crap.
(audience laughing)
I don't think it's over for me,
but people treat me like that.
Okay, I'll give you an example.
What did I get for my birthday?
Somebody gave me a bread maker.
A bread maker,
so that I could make
my own loaves of bread,
because that's what I wanna do.
I wanna make
my own loaves of bread.
That's why my mother
came to America,
so I could make
my own loaves of bread.
Spending three bucks at the
ShopRite was killing me,
(audience laughing)
but thanks to your gift,
I can now spend five hours
kneading and rolling dough.
Maybe next year, maybe,
you could give me a pig and a chicken,
and we can make bacon and eggs.
Wouldn't that be fun?
Good times.
Let's do that.
Fun.
Do you know whose fault it is,
that women like me are
getting bread makers?
Martha Stewart.
(audience laughing)
She won't go away.
(audience laughing)
She won't, we put her in jail,
but she comes out
(audience laughing)
and the problem
with putting her in jail,
is she gets street cred,
(audience laughing)
when she comes out.
Yo, yo M dog
and in America,
when you do the wrong thing,
you get rewarded.
That's the way it works.
So she comes out, she gets rewarded
with another cooking show,
with that rapper who likes the weed,
- [Audience Member] Snoop Dogg
- Snoop Dogg.
Snoop Dogg.
He brings the pot, she brings the pan.
(audience laughing)
That's what happens,
that's how they make it work and . . .
But that's not my point.
My point is, we put her in jail,
and she had too much time
on her hands,
to come up with more crafts and crap
for women like me to do,
because of Martha,
there has been a resurgence,
among women who are
knitting and quilting.
My neighbor said to me
last week, "Maureen,
"do you know
"why I gave up crocheting?"
I said, yes, because we had
an industrial revolution,
(audience laughing)
in our country.
Ding, ding, ding, ding.
(audience laughing)
That's mass production in factories.
(audience laughing)
Martha, there's something
wrong with Martha.
Do you ever listen to her talk?
It ain't right.
"We're going to make Peking duck,
"go get your smoker."
(audience laughing)
I have to get my smoker.
Dad, get off the couch,
I need you in the kitchen.
Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
Pall Mall, unfiltered,
you're the best smoker I have.
Come on, come on.
She'll explain everything.
(audience laughing)
"Let's marinade the meat.
"Place the meat in the marinade."
Marinade,
marinade,
marinade.
Who talks like that?
(audience laughing)
Who the heck talks like that?
Martha grew up in New Jersey.
I grew up in New Jersey.
Nobody marinades in new Jersey.
(audience laughing)
We don't drink lemonade,
(audience laughing)
we don't march in parades,
(audience laughing)
we don't play charades,
(audience laughing)
because it's odd.
It's a facade,
and trust me,
people who talk like that,
they don't get laid.
(audience applauding)