Anyway, I used to, um...
I used to judge parents so much.
Like, you can't judge people
until you, like, are really in them shoes.
You know what I mean? I'm like, "I'm not going to do it like that.
I'm gonna do it like -- I'm gonna be cool and do it like this."
And then you're a parent and you're like, "Oh, fuck."
"Help me."
Like, I used to judge parents when you would ask how old
their kid is and they'd be like, "19 and a half months."
"Please don't make me do math. Like, is that two?
Is that two?
I'm not your accountant, I can't...
read these receipts right now."
But I realize parents do that shit
because it's truly the last night they had a good night's rest.
Real talk!
If you out, and you see a cute baby, you ask the parent,
"How old's your baby?"
And they be like, "Eight months and four days."
"So happy."
You give that new parent a hug, you give him a joint,
buy him a pickleback, I don't give a shit. Be nice to them.
I used to judge parents too, actually, um...
that do that third-person singsongy shit in front of you.
Oh, my God, you ever been out...
and see a dad just do, like, a one-person show
in front of you with their kid?
"Daddy wants to put your jacket on.
Could Daddy put your jacket on?
Daddy wants to put the jacket--"
"Put the jacket on, Daddy."
"It's March, we need a jacket. Put the jacket on."
Oh, my God.
These moms out here doing the singsongy shit
like they're your waitress, "What do you wanna eat?"
"Mommy wanna get you something to eat.
What do you want? What do you want?
Mommy want to get you some--"
"Get the kid something to eat.
The kid want food."
Oh, my God. "Mommy wanna get you a cookie.
What kind of cookie do you want?"
"It ain't British Bake Off, bitch."
Get a kid a cookie.
But I'm realizing now, you do that singsongy shit
because you can't rush your kids, you know?
They don't understand what it's like being late.
They don't. We can't rush our kids.
If we rush them, they're gonna be all anxious
and we're just going to have a world full of Larry Davids.
Who wants that?
Not me, sis!
Nobody wants that, and I just fell into that singy-songy shit.
I didn't even know I was doing it.
I came home one night and I was like,
"Oh, baby girl,
Daddy didn't change your diaper.
So Mommy gonna change your diaper.
♪ Mommy gonna change your diaper ♪
♪ Mommy gonna change Mommy gonna change ♪
♪ Mommy going to change your diaper ♪
♪ Mommy gonna change... ♪
♪ Your... ♪
♪ Dia... ♪
♪ ...per! ♪
'Cause who rules the world?
Girls!"