KISUKE: Hey, if it isn't my favorite only customer... [Please keep these CC clean for deaf viewers]
Whatzuuup? [If you want the funny CC, don't worry. Just select English (Canada)]
RUKIA: Got the Soul I asked for? [If you want the funny CC, don't worry. Just select English (Canada)]
KISUKE: Yeah, totally. It's a top-of-the-line piece of merchandise.
RUKIA: Uh-huh...
KISUKE: Well, it's top of some line, anyways.
Heyyy, strange thought, Rukia...
We're friends, right...?
RUKIA: That's random.
KISUKE: And friends don't sell out friends.
RUKIA: Is this going somewhere?
KISUKE: Well, I've just been thinking that...
I'm an outlaw, and you're an outlaw...
And hypothetically you could earn some leniency if you had information worth the Soul Society's tiiime...
RUKIA: Kisuke, are you insinuating that I'd EVER tell Soul Society where you are?
Heh, that's silly, Kisuke.
(Laughing) KISUKE: (Laughing)
Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking...
...Stupid thought.
RUKIA: It's not like I'd just, like what--
Sell you out so I don't get executed?
KISUKE: Yeaaah, you'd never do thaaat...
RUKIA: Like, that's not something I'd do to someone I barely know and frankly dislike, heh.
KISUKE: I think you've made your point--
RUKIA: What kind of deranged person would EVER do something SO desperate?
RUKIA: (Chuckles)
KISUKE: I get it. RUKIA: (Chuckles)
RUKIA: That'd be crazy--!
KISUKE: ALRIGHT!
...I can kill you.
RUKIA: I know.
KISUKE: Do you?
RUKIA: Totally do.
KISUKE: At any time.
RUKIA: Yup. Heh.
KISUKE: Like right now - Boom. Dead. No more problem.
RUKIA: Boom-dead-got it.
KISUKE: No one would miss you.
Am I making myself clear?
RUKIA: Perfectly.
KISUKE: Good. You don't want to know what happens to customers who cross me.
Have a nice day, Miss Rukia...
...my favorite... only... customer.
[♫ Masakazu Morita - "Just Bleach" ♫]
ICHIGO: If I eat this, my body will stay safe when I go to kill Hollows,
*which I have no obligation to do*?
Is that right?
RUKIA: Aaaaaaaffirmative! Give it a whirl!
ICHIGO: Bottoms up.
{SQUEAK}
{GULP}
ICHIGO'S BODY: Hey there.
My name is Kon, and I enjoy strolls on the beach, doing as I'm told...
a n d k i l l i n g y o u r f a m i l y.
ICHIGO: Knock it off! I'm not putting up with any crap today!
KON: B u t I j u s t w a n t t o--
ICHIGO: Let me make this clear to you:
Tomorrow's the anniversary of my Mom's death and I'm in a particularly grumpy mood!
KON: Oh, geez, I-I had no idea.
ICHIGO: Yeah, you didn't! So if you so much as hurt a single hair on my body's head...
...I will rip open my own stomach and extract you at the cost of my own life!
You understand me, pill brain?
You understand me, pill brain? KON: Ye-- yes sir...
KON: Ye-- yes sir...
B u t l e t 's j u s t s a y--
ICHIGO: I said, NO!
RUKIA: Gonna be one of those days...
ICHIGO: Hey! Don't make fun! I can hear you laughing.
RUKIA: I'm not.
ICHIGO: I can hear it... inside...
And all of you out there, audience? You think I can't hear you?
I can hear you all...
...laughing at my mother's death.
[whispering] Stop iiiit.
TENSAI: Boss, if that Mod Soul goes outta control, it'll be bad for business.
KISUKE: Well, we'd better go stop it, then.
TENSAI: And quickly, before it hurts our customers.
KISUKE: Hurts the customers?
On the other hand, Antiques Roadshow's coming on soon.
I'm sure they'll be fiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnneeeeeee...
They'll be fine.
ICHIGO: What are you doing here?
RUKIA: Going for a walk, obviously.
ICHIGO: In a graveyard?
RUKIA: I like the atmosphere.
ICHIGO: Oh, conveniently on the same day I go to my Mom's grave.
RUKIA [acting surprised]: Ooohhh, is *that* what day it is? I had no idea.
ICHIGO: A Hollow didn't kill my mother.
RUKIA: Oh yes, it DID!
ICHIGO: Oh.
ICHIGO: Oh. My.
ICHIGO: Oh. My. GOD.
Can you give me a break, PLEASE? Is my mother's death not even sacred to you?
RUKIA: Oh, please. You're in denial.
It's a hollow effort.
ICHIGO: Did you just make a pun at the expense of my mother's memory?
RUKIA: Ehh. Comes with the job.
ICHIGO: Screw you, that's terrible!
I'm putting you up for adoption!
RUKIA: If I'm so terrible, then why do I know a Hollow is attacking *your* family and *you* don't?
ICHIGO: WHAT?! RUKIA: Oh yeah; a Hollow's attacking your family.
RUKIA: Oh yeah, a Hollow's attacking your family.
SAIDŌ: Rukia, come with me.
I'm here to take ya back to the Soul Society, ya stupid.
ICHIGO: Take-her-I-don't-want-her! Goodbye!
SAIDŌ: Now I'm a good guy. All of a sudden a change of heart.
Who would've saw it coming?
RUKIA: How long were you there?
SAIDŌ: Long enough to know that you're a terrible person.
And that coming from me.
YUZU: Ichigo! Help me!
ICHIGO: Hwah!
HOLLOW: So we meet at last, child of Kurosaki.
ICHIGO: Look, Hollow! If we just talk about this, I'm sure that--
How do you know my name?
HOLLOW: Do you not recognize me, Soul Reaper?
Think back.
ICHIGO: Noo...
HOLLOW: All those years ago when your mother died...
it was I who oversaw her demise!
ICHIGO: Nooohohoooo...!
HOLLOW: And now I have come to finish you off, Kurosaki...
To end what I started with your mother!
ICHIGO: Rukia... I humbly apologize for what I said.
AHHHHHHHHH!
HOLLOW: NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?
Soul Reapers are almost all more talkative than this!
ICHIGO: AHHHHH!
HOLLOW: You're a lunatic! YOU'RE INSANE!
[Battle sounds continue in background] RUKIA: Well, what did you expect? You attacked him on his mother's death anniversary.
KON: And you killed his mom.
SAIDŌ: And you're ugly, like a huge deformed hamster, whose owners long since threw him away.
KON: That's how we'll remember you...
...as a big stupid gross hamster no one wanted.
RUKIA: After all this, logically what else would he do? Talk to you for 40 minutes?
HOLLOW: This isn't right! HE'S NOT LIKE OTHER SOUL REAPERS!
RUKIA: He's non-union.
SAIDŌ: Non-union?
You little leaching scab.
RUKIA: What's this?
SAIDŌ: His lure must have recorded her final thoughts when she died.
Let us hear her final words to her son.
MASAKI: Dead? Am I fucking dead?!
I can't believe this! That son of a bitch, I ju-- was just trying to save the kid and th-- the river, and--
Goddamn it! FUCK! SHHHITHEAD!
KON: ...Huh.
SAIDŌ: That was enlightening.
HOLLOW: And now... we're all friends...
ICHIGO: HWAAAAH!!!
Gwah... GAAH!!!
HOLLOW: So long and peace out!
ICHIGO: GET BACK HERE, YOU OVERGROWN MOSSBALL!!!
KON: Remind me never to get Ichigo angry.
SAIDŌ: Now I must return to whence I came and file my report.
I'll be wishing you the best as my report turns you all into condemned criminals.
KISUKE [phone]: Heeeey, Rukia. Suuuup?
RUKIA: Uh, not much. Why do you ask?
KISUKE [p]: I don't suppose that Mod Soul I gave you went kinda crazy, did it?
RUKIA: Sort of, yes.
KISUKE [p]: Did it kill or maim either of you?
RUKIA: No, we're fine.
KISUKE [p]: Alright alright alright~ That's great.
One second please...
Hey, Tensai. You wiiin.
I'll give you 20 bucks before work tomorrow.
TENSAI [p]: Fantastic.
KISUKE [p]: Nice talking to you, Rukia. Ciaooooo.
[Dialtone]
[Dialtone] ICHIGO: Is-he-laughing-at-my-dead-Mom?