♫ To you ♫
- Having my coworkers sing to me is my worst nightmare.
- Oh, (bleep) now I'm gonna have to get
you something nice on your birthday, too!
- Wearing this hat so people remember that it's my birthday.
- This is my favorite day of the year
because I can be super typical
and no one can say a damn thing about it.
- Buy me shots! That's what this means.
- I know you're all just here because you want cake.
None of you give a (bleep) about my birthday.
- Oh yeah, I miss getting presents.
- I know my birthday is only one day,
but I'm gonna drag it out for an entire week.
- Please blow out so I can go back to work.
- I know you're using my birthday as an excuse
just to get drunk, so am I.
- Oh, yeah! I'm gonna spend most of today
counting my Facebook posts,
see how many people wished me Happy Birthday.
- I'm know I'm an unbearable drunk, but it's my birthday,
so you literally have no choice
but to stand here and talk to me.
- I wish this moment would end. Please
- You're my secret office crush
and if you don't come to my party, I'm--
it's gonna just destroy me.
- This present is just a reminder of how old I'm getting.
- (laughs) I actually haven't enjoyed a birthday
since I turned 21.
- (blows) I'm gonna die alone.
(coworkers clapping)
- [Voiceover] Bitch, don't think I didn't notice that you
didn't write on my Facebook wall. Texts don't count.
- The office manager forgot to buy me a cake
and I'm slowly dying inside.
But I got a hat!