-So, I thought that was a great show last night.
Very good monologue.
-Oh, my God, I'm so sorry I'm late.
I had, uh -- an extra-long urination.
[ Laughter ] I mean, just on and on and on.
'Cause I would have been here.
It took literally like two and a half minutes.
It was unbelievable -- it was a record-setting urination.
-This is our new writer, Larry David, everybody.
-Yeah.
-Oh, wow, applause.
I'm honored.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
-And I thought it would be nice if we started
by having everybody go around and introduce themselves.
-Eh.
[ Laughter ] Not necessary. I'm good.
-You don't want to learn the names of your new --
-Eh. I'll learn it gradually.
I'm not gonna remember it anyway.
I'm not gonna go, "Whoa, whoa, Mark.
Mark's got a beard. Mark's got a beard.
Susan -- Susan is African-American."
You know, I'm not gonna remember.
-Uh-huh. -So let's just, hey.
We'll hey for a while.
You know, we'll do hey. Hey!
-Hey. -Hey!
-Hey.
-Hey!
-Hey.
-See? -Yeah.
-Hey! -Hey.
-I'll hey, you, too! -Perfect. I'm fine to be heyed.
-What, are you above the hey?
[ Laughter ] -I'm not above the hey.
That's why I said I'm fine with the hey.
-You didn't sound sincere. It didn't sound very sincere.
-I'm perfectly happy with the hey.
-Are you sure?
-I'm perfectly fine with the hey.
-'Cause that's gonna put you on
the same level as everybody else.
'Cause everybody is supposed to know your name, right?
-If people want to hey me, I'm fine being heyed.
-Hey. -Not you.
[ Laughter ] So what we do
in these pitch meetings is we go around the room and --
[ Laughter ]
-I think I know how a pitch meeting works.
-Oh, you think you know? -Yeah, I think I do. Yeah.
-Okay. -The people pitch ideas, right?
You call on somebody and they tell you their ideas.
Isn't that how it works? -I just wanted to make sure.
-You know, I've worked on television shows before.
-My apologies. [ Light laughter ]
-Apology accepted.
-All right. So let's get started.
-Great. -Yes, okay. Here's what --
-I'm sorry. We actually start with Reese
and then we go clockwise. -Ah.
You got a little process, do you?
-It's a process.
-Have you ever gone counterclockwise
just to, you know, shake it up?
-We haven't gone counterclockwise.
-You might want to try counter. -I don't think --
-You might want to try going diagonal.
[ Laughter ]
-These are all very interesting ideas.
-Does everybody sit in the same chair all of the time?
-No, chairs can switch.
-Have they ever switched?
-They haven't switched up to this point.
-Okay, 'cause first of all, and I don't want to complain,
okay, but I have a little problem sitting here.
-What's the problem with sitting there?
-Well, I've got kind of long legs.
You know, I like to kind of stretch out,
put my legs on something.
-No one else has anything to put their legs on.
-I know, I know, I know.
See, if I was sitting here,
I could actually put my legs up on that bookcase there.
-Do you want to sit there?
-I would -- would you mind switching seats with me?
-Um, sure, no problem.
-This is a good thing.
-Okay. -This is a good thing.
See, now this -- now you're gonna get something from me.
Now you're gonna get your money's worth.
-All right. Well, I'm very glad to hear that.
-Okay. Um --
-What now?
-The chair is kind of stuck in a vertical position.
-Mm-hmm.
-And if I had to choose between
the vertical chair and the feet...
-Mm-hmm.
-...or the horizontal chair and no feet,
I think I'd go horizontal.
-So you want to switch back?
-I'd love to switch back, if that's okay.
-Yeah, let's switch back.
And then maybe after that, we'll get started.
How's that sound? -Would you mind switching back?
-No. Go ahead.
-That's great.
-Sorry. Excuse me.
-Oh, yeah.
Horizontal, way to go.
Okay. This is it.
I'm good. -You're good?
-And I'm sorry if I've disrupted anything
with this chair business.
-No. Well worth it to have you in the room.
-Thank you. -Very happy about it.
And we're gonna get started now, so that's good.
-Let us, by all means, get started.
-All right. Thank you. Thank you for your enthusiasm.
Reese. -Great.
So this will be a desk piece called "Oval Office Additions."
-New Oval Office additions? -Yeah.
So recently the Oval Office was renovated,
and because Trump is President --
-It was renovated? Okay, go ahead, I'm sorry.
-Instead of, like, a bust of Abraham Lincoln,
there'd be a bust of Colonel Sanders.
And we would do, like, you know, like,
six of those with photoshops.
-Great. That's great. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-Is this how it works?
People kind of snicker at a bad idea?
[ Laughter ]
-I don't think that's what happened.
-You said "great" to that idea.
Seriously, what happens if it's a -- if it's a brilliant idea?
That was dreadful.
-This isn't really something that happens at pitch.
We sort of talk about it after the fact.
But maybe you'd like to go.
-I'm up? -What's the idea, Larry?
-Okay, it's called "What Are the Idiots Up To This Week?"
You got the White House idiots on one side,
you got the Congressional idiots on the other side.
You got the Hollywood idiots over --
[ Laughter ]
[ Slurping ]
[ Laughter ]
Are you done?
-I'm drinking my tea.
-Did you have to have tea right at this particular moment
when I'm doing my first pitch?
Could that be any ruder?
-It wasn't planned. That was just when the tea was ready.
-Well, she shouldn't be interrupting the pitch.
-It wasn't an interruption. It was just a giving of the tea.
-The pitch is sacrosanct, okay? -The pitch is sacrosanct?
-Yes, you don't interrupt pitches.
Under any circumstances.
-Oh, the pitch is sacrosanct? -Yes.
-We're learning so much from you.
This is so helpful to have you here.
The pitch is sacrosanct.
-Oh, it's not?
-The pitch is the pitch!
-The pitch is the whole ball game.
It cannot and should not ever be interrupted.
-Just go back to your pitch.
-Go back to the pitch?
-Go back to the pitch, go back to where you were,
before the tea.
-You can't go back to a pitch.
-That pitch is gone now?
-The pitch has a motion, and you interrupted the flow.
I can't go back.
-So that pitch is gone forever.
-The pitch is gone. There's no flow.
You can't try and recapture a flow.
-So you had a flow? -Yeah.
-You had a once-in-a-lifetime flow.
And then that flow was interrupted forever...
-Yes. -...because I got a tea.
-Yes, you just can't go back.
You can't go back in time and pretend I wasn't interrupted.
-Okay. So do you have another pitch?
-I do. -Great.
-Okay. -No interruptions.
I'll put my tea down.
-Thank you. -The floor is yours.
-No tea drinking? -No tea drinking.
-Huh, you got the tea out of the way?
-Tea's out of the way. -That's all covered?
-Open road. -Huh? No coffee?
-No coffee. -No lattes?
-No caffeine at all. -Nothing? Soup?
-Just me -- -What about some soup?
-No soup. -Huh, no soup?
-Full attention. -Soup's a distraction.
I don't want any soup.
-Ears open, eyes open. -Okay.
-Looking at Larry. -All right. Here we go.
I'm gonna make it really fast.
It's a segment called "I Don't Want To Do That."
-Great. -And basically,
someone asks you to dinner and you go,
"I don't want to do that. Why would I do that?
It's late. I want to go home."
Well, somebody asks you to the movies, you go,
"I don't want to do that. What are you, out of your mind?
Go to the movies with you? I don't even like you."
You know. "And the movie probably stinks anyway."
-That's great. Amber, you're up.
-Okay, I was thinking -- [ Laughter ]
-Hold, hold, hold it.
"That's great"?
-What's wrong with that?
-You weren't even smiling when I told it to you.
You didn't laugh. So how's it great?
-Well, I'm sorry.
But you put me in a place where I felt
very sensitive about your flow and the interruption of it.
I was trying to be a blank canvas
so that your pitch could have all the real estate it needed
to live and breathe and come to life.
-So you thought it was great, did you?
-I thought it was great. -Hmm.
[ Laughter ]
Are you sure?
-I'm absolutely sure.
-Are you really sure?
-I'm really sure.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-Okay.
I just looked into your soul.
You know what I discovered, Seth Meyers?
You're a liar!
That's right!
You're lying to me, you're lying to them.
You're lying to everybody!
Well, you know what? I don't want to work for a liar.
You people want to work for a liar?
Come on, let's go!
Let's go! Come on!
You don't want to work for a liar.
Hey, hey, hey!
Come on!
You're an asshole!
-Yeah, okay.
Good, go!
Because he's right.
I have been lying to you!
They weren't great ideas.
Since this show started we haven't had a single great idea.
There have been five "okays" and a "maybe."
I have the great ideas.
So we're gonna be just fine without you.
Just fine!
[ Laughter ]
♪♪