JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY.
GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND!
JON, I'M EXCITED.
YOU HAVE A VERY SPECIAL GUEST SITTING IN WITH THE BAND
TONIGHT.
WHO DO YOU HERE?
>> Jon: OH, YES, INDEED.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HOW ABOUT A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR MITSKI.
>> Stephen: THAI, THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.
WE'LL HEAR SOME SONGS FROM MITSKI'S NEW ALBUM, "PUBERTY 2"
TONIGHT.
I'M VERY EXCITED.
I AM PRESENTLY GOING THROUGH PUBERTY, 2.
HAIR SHOWING UP IN PLACES.
QUITE ALARMING.
FOLKS, WITH DONALD TRUMP FALLING BEHIND IN THE POLLS, HE NEEDS
EVERY VOTE HE CAN GET.
ESPECIALLY IN SWING STATES LIKE PENNSYLVANIA, WHERE
A PRO TRUMP PAC IS TRYING TO COURT THE AMISH VOTE.
THIS IS THE PERFECT DEMOGRAPHIC FOR TRUMP.
THEY'RE THE ONLY VOTERS LEFT WHO HAVEN'T GOOGLED HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ONE SELLING POINT FOR THE AMISH IS THAT TRUMP IS A BUILDER, AND
THE AMISH ARE KNOWN FOR BUILDING.
AND, APPARENTLY, THE AMISH LIKE THE FACT THAT TRUMP HAS A
FAMILY-OWNED BUSINESS, WHEREAS HILLARY CLINTON HAS A
BUSINESS-OWNED FAMILY.
NOW, IN ORDER TO SEAL THE DEAL, THEY EVEN PUT UP A BILLBOARD IN
AMISH COUNTRY THAT READS, "VOTE TRUMP: HARDWORKING, PRO-LIFE,
AND FAMILY DEDICATED... JUST LIKE YOU."
IN FACT, TRUMP IS SO DEDICATED TO FAMILY, HE CAN'T STOP
STARTING THEM.
HARD LINE TOW SAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, I WANTED TO FIND OUT HOW
INTO TRUMP THE AMISH REALLY ARE, SO I INVITED AN AMISH VOTER FROM
PENNSYLVANIA TO TALK WITH US ABOUT IT.
PLEASE WELCOME LIVE VIA SATELLITE, ZACHARIAH MILLER,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
THANK YOU FOR BEING ON THE SHOW, MR. MILLER.
>> OH, MY PLEASURE, ENGLISH.
>> Stephen: NOW, ZACHARIAH, ARE THE AMISH REALLY TRUMP
SUPPORTERS?
>> WELL, ABSOLUTELY.
JUST LOOK AT MY HAT.
I'VE EVEN QUILTED ONE OF MR. TRUMP'S PROVERBS.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT'S VERY SWEET.
THAT'S VERY SPEET.
SO WHAT IS IT YOU LIKE ABOUT HIM?
>> WELL, FOR ONE, HE'S A GREAT BUILDER.
IN FACT, HE HELPED ME RAISE MY BARN.
I'LL BET THAT'S WHAT THE BARNS IN HEAVEN LOOK LIKE.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
BUT WHAT ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON?
DO ANY AMISH LIKE HER?
>> OH, NO!
WE HATE HER.
>> Stephen: WHY?
>> THE EMAILS!
>> Stephen: YOU'RE MAD SHE DELETED THEM?
>> NO, WE'RE MAD THAT SHE USES EMAILS AT ALL.
THEY'RE THE DEVIL'S THANK YOU NOTES.
PLUS, SHE WEARS NO BONNET, THE TEMPTRESS!
UNLIKE MR. TRUMP, WHO HUMBLY COVERS HIS HEAD WITH PLENTY OF
HAY FOR HIS HORSES.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: OKAY, ZACHARIAH,
BUT WHAT TRUMP'S LEWD LANGUAGE AND LUSTY BEHAVIOR?
>> OH, I DON'T JUDGE, STEPHEN.
I'M ON RUMSPRINGA RIGHT NOW, WHICH MEANS I'M FREE TO ENJOY
ALL SORTS OF SINFUL ACTIVITIES, LIKE APPEARING ON YOUR MOVING
PICTURE PROGRAM, OR ALL THE ECSTASY I'M CURRENTLY DOING!
( LAUGHTER ) RIGHT HERE.
WANT SOME?
THEY'RE FRESHLY CHURNED!
>> Stephen: NO, THANK YOU.
>> I CAN FEEL COLORS!
>> Stephen: I CAN TELL.
THAT LOOKS LIKE A LOT OF FUN.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, BUT I'M GOOD.
SO THE AMISH BELIEVE TRUMP WOULD BE A GOOD LEADER.
>> OH, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
NO.
THAT'S WHAT WE LIKE ABOUT HIM!
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
>> WELL, HE'LL DESTROY THIS COUNTRY!
AND THEN WE'LL BE THE ONES WHO ARE TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED!
WITH OUR PLOWS AND CHURNS AND CANDLEMAKING, WE'LL BE LORDS OF
THE AFTER-SCAPE!
KNEEL BEFORE ME, STEPHEN!
WORSHIP AT MY BUTTON-LESS BOOTS!
>> Stephen: ZACHARIAH MILLER, EVERYBODY.
>> BY THE WAY, DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE ECSTASY