The thing that is the sexiest thing in the world
is confidence.
Confidence is really sexy.
Needy people who find each other are really happy.
It's like, "I need you."
"I need you."
"I can't live without you."
"I can't be on my own, come with me."
That works because there's the balance.
You meet my needs, I meet your needs.
But when one person is needy they always are loser,
'cause the other person doesn't understand.
And so the problem is you have to think,
"Why am I doing this?"
You know, "What what am I doing this for?"
And look at that.
And if you want your needs met
you need to save your partner, "Listen, these are my needs."
(majestic music)
So I often get letters from people saying,
"Where can I find love?"
"How do I find love?"
And people think love is something to be run after,
to be chased after, to be earned.
So if you will have this belief,
I've gotta work for love.
I've gotta earn love.
I gotta find someone who doesn't appear to really love me
and then work really hard to show them how amazing.
I've got to chase after, them make an effort,
and that's not true.
You see, love should make you feel really good about you.
And if your feeling is, I feel really good about them.
I got this great girl, this great guy,
but I don't feel good enough
and I gotta work to make them love me, that's a mistake.
So whenever you're with anyone
I want you to ask yourself one question,
how do I feel about myself when I'm with this girl,
this guy, this man?
And if the answer is I didn't feel good enough,
that's not the person for you.
I want you to imagine you're the stone
and they're the setting,
and their job is to make you sparkle.
Your job is not to make them sparkle.
And when you try to earn love, or work for love,
pursue love, run after love, it kinda runs away.
So if you want to find phenomenal love
here's the only thing you have to do,
believe you are lovable.
That's it.
Because, you see, you can only love someone
to the degree that you love yourself
and they can only love you to the degree
that they love themselves.
And if all your energy is "Show me you love me.
"Prove you love me.
"Make me feel you love me, 'cause I don't feel lovable,"
that doesn't work.
It's not your partner's job to make you feel lovable,
it's your job.
So, so many women try to change their body,
their weight, their shape.
They get new outfits, they get their hair done.
They try to change all this external stuff,
maybe even having surgery, to feel lovable, and men too.
Buy nicer clothes, try to get some status symbols,
to go, "Look at me, aren't I lovable."
You don't have to change your weight, shape, size, outfit,
hair colour, even your teeth colour to find love.
You have to believe that you are lovable.
When you know, with unshakable conviction,
that you are a lovable, worthy of love, deserving of love,
then you'll attract it and maintain it.
And then you're in that wonderful flow
where you get love and the more love you get
the more you give back and you're in this flow
of giving and receiving love, it's a bit like breathing.
So let's do this now breathe out, that's giving.
Breathe in, that's receiving.
So just give and receive a breath.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Feels kinda balanced.
But now try the other way, just give.
Just keep breathing out, that's it,
keep giving, giving, giving, giving,
but don't breathe end don't take a breath.
Doesn't that feel weird?
That energy just giving, giving.
Trying to give what you wanna get.
And now do the opposite take.
So breathe in and keep taking taking, taking, taking,
don't breathe out.
And that feels kind of weird, too.
I'm just taking love, I'm letting someone give to me,
but I'm not giving back.
So nature requires balance.
The best relationships have balance,
you have to give and receive love
the way you give and receive breath.
It has to be equal.
If you think that person is better than you it won't work.
If you think they're not good enough for you,
it also won't work.
Fall in love with yourself.
(relaxed music)
You have to earn love.
You gotta to work for love.
My mom was mean, now I've got this mean girlfriend.
I recognised that, it's very familiar,
so I feel quite secure in it.
And I am gonna try now to change the ending.
I'm going to find someone who reminds me of my mom,
I'm gonna turn her into a pussycat.
But you see trying to change the ending is a mistake.
Change the beginning.
Find someone who's nothing like your mom.
And women do the same, they say "My dad always put me down,
"always criticise me, and I find men that put me down
and criticise me.
"And I keep trying to make them nice."
Again, trying to change the ending,
when you should be changing the beginning.
You should be saying, "Oh, you remind me of my dad,
"I'm outta here.
"Who wants to date their father, after all?
"I'm gonna find someone who doesn't remind me of my dad."
So there are certainly people who are put off by niceness,
'cause niceness says, "Please love me, please like me."
It's like the child who goes to school and goes,
"Will you be my friend?
"If I give you all my toys will you play with me?"
The other kids don't like that they go, "Oh no."
You have that media energy, I need you to be my friend.
And what kids love is, "Here I am, you wanna be my friend,
"it's great, I'll be your friend."
And you're lucky that we're each other's friends.
But when you try and earn it, it doesn't work.
'Cause how can you be too nice?
But I think you have the energy
of trying to give them what you want to get back.
So that's very common,
"I want love, I want a affection, I want real care."
Why don't I give it all to you
with the belief you'll give it back?
But a lot of people just take it.
The more you give the more they take,
and the more they expect you to give.
When you give that much it becomes your identity.
It's like if you clean the house every night,
you own that job, your partner won't do it.
When you do something enough it has you name on it.
So in your the giver, giver, giver,
the other doesn't doesn't go,
"Well it's my turn to give."
They go will you give, I receive,
that's the energy of our relationship.
You pay and I let myself be paid for.
There are lots of different energies.
Don't change them, change you.
Look at what you're doing, what's behind being nice?
Wanting someone to really love you,
but you have to love you first.
It's not about them it's about you.
If every guy you find is the same,
no point in changing them, change you.
'Cause here's the thing women always say.
"I was in a relationship wasteland for three years, no guy.
"I met a guy, and within two months
four other guys asked me out."
'Cause now you have the energy, I'm desirable.
I'm lovable, someone wants me.
We like people who other people like,
we want people other people want.
The most popular kid in school
everybody wants to be their friend,
just because everyone likes them.
Doesn't mean they're particularly great.
And fashion does that,
we want really what everyone else wants.
So stop trying to change them and change you.
Look at, why am I being nice?
Is that 'cause I'm a nice person?
Sure.
But is it also because I'm giving
what I want to get back?
Absolutely.
So it gives a lot of that to yourself.
It's like let's say, I want someone to pay for me.
I want someone to take me out and buy me stuff.
So I'm gonna take them out and buy them stuff.
I want someone to buy me dinner,
so I'll buy everyone dinner.
That may work but in a relationship it often doesn't.
It's very true,
if you want someone to give you a lovely gift
then give them a gift, wrap it up, give them a nice gift,
they may return it.
But if you keep giving gifts and they never return it,
don't give any more gifts,
go to someone else it will return the gift.
Praise yourself, be nice to yourself.
Look in the mirror and go, "I'm a great person.
"Maybe I'm not a size 10, but I'm kind, I'm warm, I'm funny.
"I got beautiful eyes," whatever is you want to say.
When you fall in love with yourself it's so easy
for someone else to fall in love with you too.
Women do the opposite and go "Well, no guys gonna like me.
"I've got fat legs, I got three kids,
"I don't have an interesting job.
"I've got nothing to offer."
When you start to say that you believe it,
and when you believe it people around you believe it too.
So fall in love with yourself.
That's the quickest way to attract lasting love
that goes the distance.
(gentle music)