[doorbell rings]
[both] Hi.
-Hello, how are you? -[Jessica] How are you?
I'm good. Thank you.
-Good to see you -[Jessica] You, too.
I am working on building my trust back up with Eric
but on the other hand, I know that he still
doesn't trust me.
[Jessica] So, I called Dr. Nicole over, to help me
try to get through it a little bit.
-[Dr. Nicole] So, it's just us today, huh? -[Jessica] [sighs]
-It is just the us two today. -[laughs]
I did wanna talk to you about that "hot seat" conversation we had.
I feel like just because he doesn't trust me,
he wants to ask me a thousand questions about any and everything.
And it makes me uncomfortable. Uh, sometimes, I don't know how to answer it, like,
you know, like, "What-what-what else do you want from me?"
You think he is trying to hurt you?
I don't necessarily think he's trying to hurt me
but I feel like in some situation,
he doesn't realize that he is hurting me with his choice of words...
-Mm-hmm. -With all the questions...
-[Dr. Nicole] Do you say it? -I don't. [snickers]
I feel like my guard is up
because he doesn't make me feel comfortable
to let it down.
Where did you learn
your guard has to be up all the time?
-Where'd you... -My childhood.
-Okay. -Being picked on...
just fighting, having to defend myself,
I mean, it carried on to my adulthood.
Did you have any friends that... those weren't the rules of engagement...
that you didn't have to be like that with them?
Growing up, no.
Okay, as an adult?
As an adult, maybe one or two.
Okay. And what made those one or two situations different?
Because they, um, understand me.
How?
Their guard is up as well.
-Ah! Ha, ha, ha. -[Jessica laughs]
So, you identified with them, because their guard was up, too?
Growing up in school, I was always bullied,
picked on from the way that I look,
from my hair type, from my skin color.
I always had to defend myself
from fighting to being suspended from school.
It actually affects me till this day
with my relationship with Eric.
Like, anything he say, I'm ready to just fight, argue.
I always have a guard up with him
it's so hard for him to get through with me
and I blame that just on my childhood.
What do you want in this relationship?
-I want to be understood. -Okay.
I want to be loved unconditionally.
Mainly, just trusted.
Simply because I can say anything from,
"Oh, I had food earlier but I saved it
because I couldn't eat it all but I knew you would help me eat it later."
And then, it can just be like, "Oh, no, you didn't. You lying."
Do you know the first time I had that experience
with you and Eric, it came from you?
-[laughs] -I remember the day.
I do.
'Cause I remember you saying, "He lying."
And I said, "Oh, that's interesting."
I don't know that you all recognize how much
you really bounce off of each other.
And you mirror each other.
But you don't really see the other person mirroring your behavior,
you mirroring their behavior.
So you really can believe it's coming from them.
Tit for tat.
And we do it a lot.
Or what if you do something different?
-A gamechanger. -Gamechanger!
So if you love me unconditionally, I will love you unconditionally.
If you understand me, I'll understand you.
If you trust me, then I'll trust you.
And if your guard is up, it's like armor.
The great thing about armor,
nothing bad can get you.
But nothing good can get you either.
I never really looked at it that way.
Um, but that is a good point.
Stop looking for Eric to be the guarantee
in how you show up in your relationship.
You be the guarantee.
You be the best thing that's ever happened to you.
Therefore, the best thing that's happened to him.
You got to start practicing communicating what you need
versus the wall or the escape.
Both of those don't get you anywhere good.