>>> HELLO, IOWA. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT TODAY. NOW LET'S GIVE A BIG, WARM, IOWA
WELCOME TO THE LADY OF THE HOUR AND THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES, MAYBE, SENATOR ELIZABETH WARREN.
♪♪♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WOO! WOO!
YEAH. YEAH.
HELLO. IT IS GOOD TO BE HERE.
LOOK AT ME, I AM IN MY NATURAL HABITAT.
A PUBLIC SCHOOL ON THE WEEKEND.
PUBLIC SCHOOL ON THE WEEKEND. AND I JUST HAD THE NATURE
VALLEY BAR IN THE HALLWAY SO I'M VALLEY BAR IN THE HALLWAY SO I'M
JACKED UP AND READY TO POP OFF. FIRST, I WOULD LIKE TO POUR ONE
OUT TO BETO O'ROURKE FOR DROPPING OUT OF THE RACE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR RUNNING A GREAT CAMPAIGN AND TO STICK
AROUND LONG ENOUGH TO CALL ME PUNITIVE.
THAT WAS SO BAD ASS. LET ME NOW HOW DEATH TASTES, ALL
RIGHT? AND CONGRATULATIONS TO DONALD
TRUMP FOR PAYING LESS TAXES BY MOVING TO
FLORIDA, OR AS HE CALLS IT, BRINGING HIS TALENTS TO SOUTH
BEACH. YOU KNOW WHERE I PAY TAXES?
EVERY SINGLE STATE, OUT OF PRINCIPLE.
SO DONALD, DON'T STAND TOO CLOSE TO AN ORANGE
TREE OR SOMEONE MIGHT TRY TO PICK YOUR HEAD.
I'M FEELING SPANKY. ALRIGHT, WHO'S GOT A QUESTION?
>> HI, I WORK FOR KAMALA HARRIS' CAMPAIGN.
BUT I'M STILL UNDECIDED. I'D LIKE TO KNOW, WHY DID IT
TAKE SO LONG FOR YOU TO RELEASE YOUR PLAN TO PAY FOR MEDICARE
FOR ALL? >> YEP, YEP, YEP.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR BRINGING UP HEALTH
CARE, THAT IS MY DESPOSITO. YOU KNOW, IN THE LAST FEW YEARS,
THE NUMBER ONE REASON FAMILIES WENT BANKRUPT WAS BECAUSE OF
HEALTH CARE COSTS, EVEN THE PEOPLE WHO HAD INSURANCE.
IT'S A TRICKY LITTLE CORN MAZE. BUT WHEN BERNIE WAS
TALKING MEDICARE FOR ALL, EVERYBODY WAS LIKE, "OH, COOL."
AND THEN THEY TURNED TO ME AND THEY WERE LIKE, "FIX IT, MOM."
AND I DO, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT MOMS DO.
WITH DAD, YOU EAT BIRTHDAY CAKE FOR BREAKFAST AND THEN YOU GO TO
SIX FLAGS AND THEN I HOLD YOUR HAND WHILE YOU THROW UP IN MY
PURSE. DADDY TAKES YOU TO SEE "BOOGIE
NIGHTS" WHEN YOU'RE TEN AND THEN I PROVIDE THE LONG, TENDER
FOLLOW UP EXPLANATIONS ABOUT SEX AND WHETHER MARK WAHLBERG'S
PENIS IS A REALISTIC LENGTH. IT AIN'T FUN.
BUT I WILL DO IT. AND, NEXT QUESTION.
THANK YOU. >> HI, I'M AN ASPIRING
BILLIONAIRE AND CURRENT STAY AT HOME STEPDAD.
YOU'RE PULLING AHEAD OF BIDEN. HOW DOES YOUR PLAN COMPARE TO
HIS? >> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR QUESTION. MY PLAN COMPARES FAVORABLY IN
THAT IT EXISTS. NOBODY -- NOBODY ASKS BIDEN HOW
TO PAY FOR STUFF 'CAUSE HIS PLANS ARE SO VAGUE.
NOBODY ASKS HOW WE'RE GOING TO PAY FOR REMEMBER OBAMA.
BIDEN -- BIDEN DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PAY FOR STUFF.
HE JUST PUTS DOWN A $1000 DOLLAR BILL ON THE AMTRAK DINING CAR
EVERY FEW MONTHS. OKAY, SO HERE'S MY PLAN.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS. OKAY.
SO FIRST OFF, WE'RE GOING TO CUT MILITARY SPENDING.
SO IMMEDIATELY DEAD IN THE WATER.
TWO, JEFF BEZOS WILL GO FROM PAYING NO TAX TO A TAX.
MR. BEZOS, THE GOVERNMENT IS A LITTLE LIKE AMAZON PRIME.
TO REAP THE BENEFITS, YOU'VE GOT TO PAY AN ANNUAL FEE AND THAT'S
CALLED TAXES. AND UNLIKE YOU, WE CAN'T JUST
TAKE IT OUT OF YOUR DEBIT CARD WITHOUT WARNING.
OKAY? AND SORRY.
BANKS, I'M GOING TO TAX THE BANKS.
DUH. WHAT DID YOU THINK I WAS GOING
TO SAY, HOLD UP A GAS STATION? THEY'RE GOING TO PAY FOR IT AND
NOT ONE PENNY FROM THE MIDDLE CLASS.
WE JUST GOT TO CONVINCE WELLS FARGO TO OPERATE LIKE A
NONPROFIT. OKAY, NEXT QUESTION.
NEXT QUESTION. >> HI, SORRY, I HAVE A FOLLOW-UP
'CAUSE I'M ANNOYING. YOU SAID YOUR PLAN WOULD COST
$20.5 TRILLION BUT OTHER ECONOMISTS HAVE SAID IT COULD
COST $34 TRILLION. >> OKAY, I'LL STOP YOU RIGHT
THERE. NOW WE'RE TALKING TRILLIONS.
SO WHEN THE NUMBERS ARE THIS BIG, THEY'RE JUST PRETEND.
MONEY DON'T EXIST. THEY AIN'T NO SCROOGE McDUCK
VAULT SOMEWHERE. IT'S JUST A PROMISE FROM A
COMPUTER. YOU MIGHT AS WELL SAY IT WAS
COST 13 -- OVER -- >> SORRY, SENATOR, THAT DOESN'T
ADD UP FOR ME. >> YEAH?
OKAY. YOU WANT TO SEE THE MATH?
I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU RIGHT HERE.
HERE. HERE'S THE MATH.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS? I DO.
I CAN EXPLAIN IT TO YOU BUT YOU WOULD DIE.
OKAY, NEXT QUESTION. YEAH, YOU.
>> HI, I'M TERRIFIED OF THE DOCTOR.
AND MY HUSBAND IS ONE. BUT THAT'S A SEPARATE PROBLEM.
MY QUESTION IS, HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET SWING VOTERS ON BOARD
WITH THE RADICAL IDEA LIKE UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE?
>> OOH, WAY TO SUBTLY ASK IF I'M ELECTABLE.
CAREFUL, THAT'S MY KINK. OKAY, SEE LOOK.
YOU KNOW WHY LOBBYISTS ARE SO AGAINST UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE?
THEY'RE AFRAID YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE IT.
CAUSE IT'S AWESOME. IN "FOOTLOOSE" THEY BANNED
DANCING. THEY DIDN'T BAN BROCCOLI.
I'M KEVIN BACON OVER HERE DOING FLIPS IN A BIG OLD EMPTY
FACTORY. THE BOTTOM LINE IS, PEOPLE ARE
AFRAID OF CHANGE. THEY ONLY LIKE THEIR CURRENT
INSURANCE BECAUSE THEY ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT IS, NOT 'CAUSE IT'S
GOOD. SOMETHING SEEMS SCARY UNTIL YOU
TRY 'EM OUT AND FIND THAT THEY'RE GREAT, LIKE SUSHI, OR
BUTT STUFF. OKAY, NEXT QUESTION.
>> HI, SENATOR. MY CURRENT INSURANCE ISN'T
PERFECT. BUT WITH YOUR PLAN I'D HAVE TO
GIVE IT UP, AND THAT MAKES ME NERVOUS.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, I HEAR THIS FROM A LOT OF PEOPLE.
LET ME HELP YOU UNDERSTAND. YOUR INSURANCE IS
LIKE A BAD BOYFRIEND. GIRL, LISTEN TO ME.
YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM. HE'S DRAINING YOU.
YOU DESERVE BETTER. DUMP HIS ASS.
>> I KNOW. YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M SETTLING. BUT I'M JUST SCARED TO LEAVE.
BECAUSE WHAT IF IT'S THE BEST I CAN GET?
>> GIRLFRIEND, HOW MUCH IS YOUR DEDUCTIBLE?
>> $8,000. I DON'T EVEN HAVE DENTAL.
MY TEETH HURT SO BAD. >> ALL RIGHT.
LISTEN TO ME, YOU BEAUTIFUL -- YOU'RE GOING TO CALL HIM.
YOU'RE GOING TO END IT. AND I'M GOING TO COME RIGHT OVER
WITH AN APPLE STRUDEL. AND WE'RE GOING TO POST UP ON
THE COUCH AND WATCH MY FAVORITE SHOW WHICH IS SOMEHOW "BALLERS."
AND THEN ONE DAY, BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD'S GOING TO TEXT YOU
FROM THE CLUB SAYING, "BABY, I MISS YOU."
AND YOU'RE GOING TO SAY, "NEW PHONE, WHO DIS?"
OKAY, GIRLFRIEND, YOU'RE GOING TO BE JUST FINE.
DO YOU BELIEVE THAT? >> YES.
>> SO DO I HAVE YOUR VOTE? >> I DON'T KNOW.
PETE BUTTIGIEG SEEMS NICE. >> OH, GO TO HELL.
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT!"