Please pause and read before you watch this video:
Do You Only Feel Loved When Someone Doesn't Ask You To Change?
Most of us reach adulthood with a burning desire
to be approved of, liked and loved
exactly as we are.
And if we grew up in a dysfunctional family
which, just so you know,
most families today fall somewhere on this scale of dysfunction,
this dynamic is even worse for us.
The reason why this becomes such a burning desire
when we grow up in one of these dysfunctional family dynamics
is because usually
in a dysfunctional dynamic within a family
you've got a parent who exhibits some kind of a detrimental behavior.
A behavior that's detrimental to themselves
and/or the other members of the family.
But they display an unworkability
when it comes to changing that behavior.
This puts every other family member in the position
to continue to try to get them to change that thing about themselves
and face consequences for doing so,
or to accept and adapt to the dysfunction by enabling it.
When they accept and enable it,
leaving this person exactly as they are,
they receive approval and positive feedback for doing so.
When they do this
with their dysfunctional family member,
that family member, usually a parent,
feels loved.
And because of this,
this becomes this subconscious definition in your mind
for what love is.
Specifically, your new definition of love
is appreciating somebody exactly as they are
and not asking them to change
even if they're exhibiting
a dysfunctional or detrimental pattern
that is harming themselves, you and other people.
When we have to change ourself
so that somebody else in our family
doesn't have to change,
what that does to us at a subconscious level
and oftentimes even a conscious level
is it makes us feel bad about ourselves.
Ironically speaking,
we don't feel like we are approved of, liked and loved
exactly as we are.
And this sets us off on a lifelong mission
to be loved exactly as we are,
approved of exactly as we are...
Without having to change anything about ourselves,
including what is dysfunctional.
Ironically, we set out on a mission
to unknowingly become the very thing that hurt us.
We become inflicted with the very same wound
that made our parents unworkable.
And because that wound then makes us unworkable,
we inflict the very same pain on the people in our lives
that our parents inflicted on us as children.
We damage them with our unchangeability.
Because our subconscious or maybe even conscious
definition of love
is when we appreciate somebody
or are appreciated exactly as we are
without having to change anything
including what is dysfunctional or detrimental about our behavior,
we set out to find this kind of love for ourselves.
Our dream is to be in the same position in our adult life,
that our parents were in with us,
where we have finally found somebody
who appreciates us exactly as we are,
who approves of us, likes us and loves us
exactly as we are
without having to change anything
including what is detrimental and dysfunctional about us.
We've decided that this is how to know
if somebody really loves us.
If they never ask us to change anything,
if they never disapprove of anything about us.
We want to be in a feel-good relationship the way we are,
even if our behavior is not conducive to a feel-good relationship
We want our partner to make themselves compatible to us
even if they are not actually compatible to us.
And to be honest with you
this often graduates
so that the ultimate test of love
is if somebody is willing to be in pain
so that we can stay the way we are.
To understand more about this,
watch my video titled:
The Suffer So I Can Feel Loved Relationship Dynamic
When we have this pattern,
this desire of ours gets in the way of self-development,
it gets in the way of personal expansion,
it prevents us from changing anything
that might lead us to a state of improvement.
If what we want
is to be approved of, liked and loved exactly as we are
and to not have to change anything about ourselves,
then recognizing any aspect of ourselves
and looking at it in a negative light,
or going about the work of trying to change anything about ourselves
seems to take us in the entire opposite direction
from where we want to go.
So, what do we do?
We stay exactly as we are
and we become a brand new link in this never-ending family chain
of people who continue this dysfunction.
Oh and our relationships become just a repetition
of the same dysfunction.
So that you can understand this pattern,
I've got a real good example for you:
Weston grew up in a home with a father that was really passive
and took the back seat to his wife.
Weston's mother was an incredibly controlling woman.
Everything had to be her way.
This included how Weston dressed,
behaved,
when and how his needs were met,
and what his interests were.
Weston was in a lot of pain about this.
He was hungry but couldn't get food,
because his mother decided it wasn't time for him to eat.
He wanted attention but couldn't get it
because his mother decided she didn't want to give it to him
and put no energy into finding someone else
who could give it to him instead.
He hated the preppy outfits she made him wear.
They were uncomfortable and he always had to keep them clean.
He longed to wear lounge clothes,
he loved to spend time exploring,
but his mother put him on a regimented schedule,
he loved music, but his mother thought that was a useless interest
and enrolled him an academic interest
which, quite frankly, he didn't excel at.
When anyone had conflicts with her
there was no win-win to be found,
she would simply get rid of the person.
One particularly formative experience
was when Weston's brother wasn't pleasing her
and found himself, as a consequence,
being enrolled in a behavior modification camp for boys
and sent away from home permanently.
All of this led to Weston becoming a very conflict avoidant person.
He coped with this dynamic
by deciding that no matter what,
he would make sure he did exactly what his mom wanted.
He would please her,
no matter the cost.
Of course, Weston felt like he wasn't loved exactly as he is,
but as a result of conforming to her ideals
he became the "golden child".
He demonstrated his love for her
by approving of her exactly as she is,
and changing himself, because she was unworkable.
She would not change anything.
In her mind, if her children were good and loved her,
they would do exactly as she says.
Because of all of this,
now in his adulthood, Weston is on a subconscious mission;
His subconscious mission
is to be loved and approved of and liked
and validated exactly as he is without changing anything.
That includes everything about him
that is not particularly functional,
everything that he's doing that's not only detrimental to himself,
but everyone around him.
Recently Weston moved in with his new girlfriend Sahara.
And to be honest with you, Sahara is suffering, big time.
She's totally aware of these things
that are detrimental not only to him, but to her and other people, as well.
She wants him to change those things.
When conflict arises,
he refuses to engage and leaves the apartment,
he spends all his free time listening to music
and exploring places he hasn't been to in the city
instead of finding ways to improve their financial situation,
which leaves her to be the primary provider for the two of them.
He leaves piles of things everywhere in the apartment
because he hates to clean,
his ill-fitting lounge clothes have holes in them
and he wears them everywhere,
even when it is totally inappropriate to do so.
And she's pretty sure they don't want the same things in life.
Many of these things don't only hurt Sahara,
they're things that are sabotaging his success
and his progression
and the things that he wants.
People don't take him seriously as a professional
because of the way that he dresses,
because his apartment is such an incredible mess,
he has a scattered energy,
he's getting distracted often
and he's always losing things.
People find it impossible to be in a relationship with him
because he does not handle conflict well,
and conflict is an inevitable aspect of any relationship.
He's stuck in a crappy financial situation
in an apartment that he absolutely hates.
And instead of finding a compatible relationship arrangement with Sahara
he's simply keeping things as is,
which means the emotional tension in their relationship keeps rising
to the point where the relationship is mostly negative now.
Sahara is actually being more loving to Weston
and one could argue more in alignment with Weston's best interest
than he himself is.
Because of her willingness to recognize
the things that he is doing
that are acting as an oppositional force
to the very things that he is so desperately wanting.
Drawing his attention to those things
and essentially putting pressure on him to change those things.
But Weston refuses to entertain this notion.
In Weston's mind,
if Sahara really did love him,
she would not ask him to change anything.
In fact, she would do the following:
She would A:
approve of the fact that he spends his time
on music and exploring the city,
stop creating conflicts,
stop getting upset about all the dirtiness in the house,
or just clean it up herself without nagging him,
stop caring about what he wears
no matter where he wears it,
oh and stop harping on all the ways they're incompatible,
and focus on the ways they are compatible, instead.
Because Sahara gets upset with him about these things,
he tells himself she doesn't like him,
she doesn't love him.
Because if she did,
she wouldn't be doing these things.
She would leave him exactly as he is,
without having to change literally anything.
And because he's decided this
he's put his foot down and become completely inflexible.
He's demonstrating unworkability in his relationship.
Weston refuses to change anything about himself.
He slipped into a withdrawn surly attitude
because he feels Sahara isn't a good person
because she keeps trying to change him
and he thinks that because she wants him to change,
Sahara doesn't really value or love him at all.
Of course this just serves to make the relationship even worse.
This pattern doesn't just extend to his girlfriend though,
it extends to literally everything in his life.
Whenever Weston gets any negative feedback
about anything about him,
he automatically feels shamed,
unseen,
harmed,
pushed in the opposite direction of what he wants...
Weston recently attended a self-help seminar.
When the speaker at that event
told Weston that maybe
he needs to think about changing some of his behaviors
if he wants to have the kind of success that he wants to have,
Weston got super super defensive.
He decided the speaker is not a good person.
He thinks the advice he got is the opposite of what he needs to do.
All he was really looking for was validation.
All he really wanted was advice
about how to get what he wants while staying exactly as he is.
All he really wanted was to be told how to get the experience
of being valued and loved
the exact way he is and without changing.
When the speaker explained that to get different results
you have to be willing to change,
he decided that the seminar wasn't for him
and simply didn't return after lunch
for the afternoon segment.
Weston is thwarting his own self-development.
He is looking to stay the same.
He is looking in the wrong places for validation and he is simply
looking for people to approve of him exactly as he is
and enable his dysfunction.
But he is stuck in the illusion
that this is progress and this is love.
Weston doesn't see things about his behavior
as being dysfunctional
and as being detrimental to other people and to himself,
even though, that's the reality
of these behaviors.
That's the reality of these aspects of him right now.
Because he doesn't see this,
he feels like trying to change any of those aspects about himself
as self-hating,
when in fact,
changing patterns that are detrimental to him
would be a self-loving step.
The reality is that without really intending to do so,
Westin has become just as unworkable in relationships
as his mother was with him,
and now Sahara has found herself
to be in the exact same position with Weston,
that Weston used to be in with his mother.
When we fall into this pattern
we have decided on a subconscious level
that if somebody loves us,
we will know it because they will support our dysfunction.
Of course, on a conscious level we don't see it as dysfunction.
We also fail to make a conscious choice
about what aspects of us
are dysfunctional, detrimental and therefore we want to change them,
and what aspects about us are beneficial
even if other people might disapprove of them.
And therefore, we want to powerfully line up with them,
own them and accept them
and stand by them.
When this is the case,
guess what happens?
We can't properly assess our compatibility.
We can't properly assess our compatibility
relative to people, places, things...
Anything...
Situations...
We're just going to walk straight in
and expect them
to make us right the way we are.
To understand more about this, watch my video titled:
Incompatibility (A Harsh Reality In Relationships)
I'm gonna spell something out for you;
Like, literally spell it out:
When it comes to life,
knowing 'A' what you are willing to change and why
and 'B' what you are unwilling to change and why
is critical.
You need to know where you can
and where you can't be pliable,
in order to create the life you genuinely want.
To love yourself ultimately means
to act in alignment with your own best interests.
If something about you is detrimental to yourself
and to other people who are a part of you,
and you continue to do it rather than change it,
you are out of alignment with your own best interests.
In this way, it can actually be profoundly self-loving
to change something about yourself that is detrimental.
Also...
To love somebody is to take them part of yourself.
When you truly do this,
there's not a giant separation between their best interests
and your best interests.
What you end up with is the need to find a win-win,
because you can no longer be happy with them being unhappy
to prove their love to you.
Or...
You recognize your own unwillingness
for changing that thing
and the reason why,
and you stand by it, instead.
And when you do this,
this opens up this door where you must walk through
in order to recognize and account for incompatibility.
When incompatibility is an element
because you're unwilling to change something that's causing somebody pain
you have to find that next best win-win.
So given the incompatibility,
what arrangement are we going to find
so I'm not in pain and you're not in pain anymore?
The more compatible we are with someone
the more likely it is that they're going to approve of us exactly as we are.
But love is something entirely different.
And both love and progress
i.e. self-development
imply some degree of making changes to ourselves.
Have a good week.
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I wanna thank you personally
for the bravery that you have to step into awareness.
I'll see you in the next video.
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