>> Stephen: FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT IS A GRAMMY AND
EMMY AWARD-WINNING COMEDIAN WHO I ALWAYS ENJOY TALKING TO,
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW MR. PATTON OSWALT.
(APPLAUSE) LOVELY TO SEE I AGAIN.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: I FEEL LIKE I KIND OF SEE YOU AND FOLLOW YOU ON
TWITTER, AND I CATCH PEARLS OF WISDOM EVERY SO OFTEN.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU THROW IT OUT THERE.
>> SOMETIMES.
>> Stephen: HOW HAVE YOU BEEN, IT'S BEEN TOO LONG, IT'S BEEN
ALMOST TWO YEARS OR SOMETHING SINCE YOU HAVE BEEN ON HERE AND
WE MISS PATTON OSWALT, WHAT IS WRONG, WHAT DID I SAY, WHAT DID
I DO?
>> I MISS PATTON OSWALT.
I AM TRAVELING, I AM ON THE ROAD AND I'M FLYING OUT ALMOST EVERY
WEEKEND DOING STANDUP.
SO I'M ON,.
>> Stephen: IS THAT STRESSFUL, ALL THAT TRAVELING AROUND, DOES
IT WEAR YOU DOWN.
>> IT GETS YOU A LITTLE WEARY AND I'M VERY PARANOID ABOUT LIKE
THE CORONAVIRUS AND EVERYONE ON THE PLANE.
>> Stephen: EVERYONE IS DOING STANDUP IN WITH YOU HAND
PROVINCE OR.
>> NO, I AM BOXED THERE FOR A HANDSHAKING FESES VAL WHICH I'M
A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY.
CAN YOU EXPLAIN THIS, BECAUSE I WAS TOLD THIS HAD SOMETHING TO
DO WITH THAT ANXIETY OF YOURS, I WILL SHOW IT TO YOU FIRST, SO
YOU KNOW THE PHOTO.
SO I AM GOING TO, DO YOU WANT TO EXPLAN THIS OR SHOULD I SHOW
THIS FIRST.
>> WHEN I FLY ON PLANES I AM-- HALF OF THEM ARE COUGHING
AND SNEEDZING SO I PUT A LITTLE THING OVER MY FACE THAT I-- YES,
THAT I WEAR.
LAUGH LAUGH I-- .
>> Stephen: IS IT NECESSARY TO LOOK LIKE A CHARACTER FROM A
SASINS CREED, AN HOMAGE, WHAT IS THIS?
>> ST ME BEING PARANOID AND OF COURSE THE INTERNET SET ME RIGHT
GOING OH, THAT MASK DOESN'T BLOCK ANYTHING, AND IF ANYTHING,
IT CREATES A MOIST ENVIRONMENT THAT MAKES VIRUSES, AGAIN, JUST
COMPLETELY MADE ME TEN TIMES MORE PARANOID ABOUT EVERYTHING.
>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND, IF I SAW YOU ON MY PLANE I WOULD
GET PARANOID.
>> WELL.
>> Stephen: THIS WOULD NOT CALM THE REST OF US DOWN.
>> EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: LIKE DRIVING THROUGH THE LINCOLN TUNNEL
LOOKING OVER TO THE GUY NEXT TOY AND HE HAS SCUBA GEAR ON.
>> WELL, THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE WITH FACE MASKS LIKE
SURGICAL FACE MASKS AM I'M TRYING TO BE A LITTLE STYLISH
AND POST APOC TIP LICK-- APOCALYPTIC WITH IT.
>> Stephen: NOTHING CAMS PEOPLE DOWN LIKE POST
APOCALYPSE.
>> YEAH, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: DO YOU STILL GET RECOGNIZED.
>> WEIRDLY ENOUGH ON MY FLIGHT LAST WEEKEND, IT WAS A MORNING
FLIGHT, WE GET IN, EVERYONE IMMEDIATELY GOES TO SLEEP.
BUT I GUESS I GOT UP TO USE THE REST ROOM A COUPLE OF TIMES WITH
MY MASK, WITH MY HOOD.
I GUESS I WAS SCUTTLING THROUGH THE PLANE, AND THEN I GET MY
PHONE PING, I GET A DM ON TWITTER.
FROM OF ALL PEOPLE JACK RYAN, JOHN COUNTRIES INSKY WAS SITTING
ACROSS-- CRIS INSKY WAS SITTING ACROSS, HE DMED ME, BIZARRE
QUESTION, ARE YOU DRESSED AS A NINJA ON A FLIGHT TO L.A.?
(APPLAUSE) IF SO I MAY BE SITTING NEXT TO
YOU.
SO-- .
>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND, HOW LITTLE ICON TACT DO YOU MAKE IN
PUBLIC?
>> HE IS LIKE 6 FOOT 3 OR SOMETHING.
AND HE'S JOHN CRYZINSKY, HE IS TALLER SITTING DOWN THAN I AM
STANDING UP, HE IS HUGE.
>> Stephen: A VERY BIG GOI.
>> HE IS WATCHING A MOVIE.
IF YOU LOOK AT THE TONE OF THE MESSAGE, YES, HE SEEMED FRIENDLY
AND FUNNY BUT THERE IS SOME FEAR IN THAT, LIKE ARE YOU?
>> Stephen: HE DOESN'T KNOW THIS IS YOU.
>> THERE IS A PATTON SHAPED NINJA FOR SOME REASON.
SO I EITHER HAD SOME REALLY BAD SCRAMBLED EGGS AND I'M
HALLUCINATING OR SOMETHING IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN.
SO YEAH.
>> Stephen: I SAW SOMETHING ONLINE THE OTHER DAY WHICH I
JUST LOVE.
YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER ALLAH.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD.
>> SHE WILL STILL DO, WHAT I LIKE ABOUT I POST VIDEO SHE WILL
STILL DO THINGS WITH YOU.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: THAT DOES END, FAIR WARNING.
>> SHE IS ON THE VERY EDGE OF THE EYE ROLLING STAGE BUT STILL
LIKES TO DO THINGS.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP HERE THAT YOU BROUGHT.
YOU WANT TO SET UP WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?
>> YEAH, I TWEETED THIS OUT A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO.
WE HAVE BEEN, I HAVE BEEN READING H.E.R. THE HARRY POTTER
BOOKS SINCE SHE WAS FIVE OR SIX.
AND WE, AND THE OTHER NIGHT I WAS, WE WERE READING NUMBER
SEVEN, THE DEATHLY HALLOWS AND WE WERE GETTING NEAR THE END AND
MY WIFE, MEREDITH CAME IN AND JUST RANDOMLY STARTED FILMING US
AS WE ARE SITTING THERE READING AND THEN FILMED THE MOMENT WHEN
I FINISHED ALL THE HARRY POTTER BOOKS WITH ALLAH.
BUT THIS IS IT.
>> DID YOU VUSES FINISHED BECOME.
>> YEAH.
>> YOU JUST FINISHED ALL OF THEM.
>> THAT WAS THE LAST SENTENCE OF ALL OF IT.
>> THAT WAS THE LAST SENTENCE.
>> S WAS IT AMAZING?
>> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU GUYS NOT CRYING, HOW ARE YOU NOT
CRYING?
>> WELL, IF YOU NOTICE, THERE IS A LITTLE LIKE I'M DOING ONE OF
THOSE LITTLE THINGS RIGHT THERE.
YOU CAN ALSO BARELY HEAR ME, I GO ALL WAS WELL WHICH IS THE
LAST-- AND THEN IT ENDS.
AND THEN SHE IS JUST LIKE OH MY GOD, BUT I WANT TO KEEP DOING
THAT, AND I DON'T KNOW-- .
>> Stephen: IT'S BEEN FIVE YEARS.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE NEXT BOOK TO TRANSITION TOO.
>> Stephen: HOW ABOUT LORD OF THE RINGS.
>> HERE IS THE THING WITH LORD OF THE RINGS, THERE IS SOME,
BECAUSE THERE IS THE HOBBIT, WHICH IS--
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.
>> WAIT A MINUTE.
DID YOU JUST GO LIKE-- .
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> THE HOBBIT IS NOT THE LORD OF THE RINGS.
>> YOUR TWITTER MENTIONS ARE GOING TO GO INTO THE TOILET
RIGHT KNOW.
>> Stephen: DON'T GET ME WRONG, DON'T GET ME WRONG THERE
ARE SOME REALLY LOVELY THINGS ABOUT IT, REALLY LOVELY THINGS
ABOUT T THERE IS THE MENTION OF GONDALIN.
THERE IS THE SCENE WITH GOLUM, THE BACK STORY.
>> THE FINDING OF THE RING.
>> Stephen: THAT IS THE THEME OF GOLUM.
>> YEAH, I KNOW BUT-- .
>> Stephen: DON'T TRY TO SCHOOL ME ON THE THINGS THAT I
LIKE ABOUT THE HOBBIT, RIGHT HERE, OKAY, I'M NOT GOING TO
STEP INTO MARVEL WORLD OR STAR WARS.
DON'T COME INTO THE LORD OF THE RINGS OVER HERE.
>> WE ALL SAW WHAT YOU DID TO JAMES FRANCO, WE ALL REMEMBER
THAT BRUTAL BEATDOWN WHEN HE QUIZZED YOU ON THE SUMERELIAN,
THAT WAS PRETTY BRUTAL, I'M NOT DOING THAT, BUT SKIP THE HOBBIT.
>> Stephen: I READ LORD OF THE RINGS MULTIPLE TIME BEFORE I
READ THE HOBBIT.
THEN I READ IT AND I GET WHAT THEY ARE REFERRING TO HERE, BUT
IT DOESN'T HAVE THE HIGH STYLE AND LANGUAGE.
I DON'T THINK IT IS AS GOOD FOR LORD OF THE RINGS.
>> BUT FOR A TEN YEAR OLD.
>> Stephen: SHE'S READY, SHE'S PATTON OSWALT DAUGHTER, IF SHE
WAS SIX, I WOULD SAY READ THE HOBBIT, THAT IS FINE.
BUT SHE'S READY, MAN.
>> I'M JUST, I'M LIKE, BECAUSE WHEN I WAS HER AGE, WHEN I WAS
TEN AND THIS IS DUE TO THAT REALLY BENIGN PARENTAL NEGLECT
IN THE '70S, BECAUSE MY PARENTS WERE GREAT PARENTS BUT THEY WERE
LIKE OH, THIS IS-- ST A KILLER DOG, KCUJO, ENJOY.
I SWEAR TO GOD, I READ, I READ THE STAND WHEN I WAS TEN, I
READ-- .
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE SLEPT YET?
>> IT WAS A VERY, IT IS A VERY WEIRD WAY TO READ BEFORE YOU GO
THROUGH PUBERTY.
LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
IT FEELS VERY STRANGE.
AND I CAN'T READ HER CUJO WELL, AND THEN THE KID DIED AND THE
MOM WENT CRAZY, OKAY, GOOD NIGHT.
THAT'S NOT THE WAY TO FINISH.
BUT MAYBE I COULD EVENTUALLY.
AND SHE, BY THE WAY, SHE SEES ALL THE STEPHEN KING BOOKS ON
THE SHELF, I WANT TO READ SOME OF THOSE, NO, YOU CAN'T READ
THOSE YET.
>> NO, NOT YET.
>> Stephen: I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE IN FAVOR OF CENSORING
THINGS.
>> OH, STEPHEN, FOR GOD'S SAKE, I'M NOT GOING TO READ HER THE
SHINING AND READ HER A LOVE SCENE IN A HAUNTED HOTEL.
I'M NOT GOING TO-- .
>> Stephen: I'M MERELY [BLEEP] WITH YOU.
>> OKAY.
I GOT VERY DEFENSIVE.
>> Stephen: I UNDER STAND THAT YOU CANNOT WAIT FOR PEOPLE TO
ATTACK ME OVER THE HOBBIT.
THAT IS GOING TO BE INSANE.
>> I AM JUST SAYING THAT-- .
>> Stephen: I'M NOT SURE IF THAT IS GOING TO MAKE IT TO AIR.
>> OH, REALLY.
WOW.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SO INTO CENSORING THINGS.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK.
>> OH.
>> Stephen: PLEASE JOIN US, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
SIR PATTON OSWALT.