- Exciting to be here, indoors, doing comedy,
we're doing it again, yeah!
Things got very desperate during the pandemic,
I did a rooftop show in January,
fifth floor, 23 degrees,
fuck COVID, let's skip straight to pneumonia.
Who needs a middleman?
Let's go right to it.
Did a lot of Zoom shows.
That doesn't feel like doing comedy,
that feels like swinging at a hologram pinata,
it's not a good feeling.
I was offended when someone asked me the first time,
like, you wanna do comedy on Zoom?
I was like, no.
I'm a live entertainer!
I need a captive, present crowd.
They're like, we'll pay you $50.
I was like I'll yell at my laptop camera
in an empty room to complete silence,
let's just keep this under the table
because I'm on unemployment and if I make $50
I lose $30, so let's keep this hush.
I hate Zoom, I hate Zoom so much.
I think the thing I hate the most about Zoom
is that I'm still late to it.
I'm late to Zoom, it's my own apartment,
what excuse is there?
You got like, hey, sorry I was late,
I don't respect you.
That's it, that's the only reason.
Feeling good, I got my shots recently.
(all cheering)
Thank you, thank you very much.
Botox, I got Botox.
I'm not vain, I'm just very competitive at poker.
That's why I get Botox, it basically pays for itself.
It's weird watching the reversal, during the pandemic.
Like, in my friends, like, it was,
the friend, my friends who were most adamant
about COVID safety were like, the social justice ones,
you know, like the anti-slut shaming,
anti-body shaming, anti-victim shaming
and I got COVID last June and they were like,
what were you wearing that you got COVID?
Were you wearing a mask?
Was it a big mask or one of those little skimpy ones
with your nose poking out you little whore!
I'm a millennial, I'm a millennial.
The thing about millennials, we thought we were progressive.
You know, 'cause we fought for gay marriage,
we're like, let gay people marry!
And they're like, never!
And now Gen-Z is like, gender is a myth,
sexuality is fluid, and a couple is up to nine people
and they're like,
we'll give you gay marriage.
You drive a hard bargain.
You know, young people, they're beyond gay rights now,
a lot of them are non-binary,
they're not man, they're not woman,
they're somewhere in between.
And here's my only problem with that.
Have you seen old people?
They're all one gender, they're all,
everyone over 75 has boobs and a mustache,
they are, they are beating you at your own game,
you know, you're not being progressive?
You're being impatient, just wait your turn.
We all converge with time.
I was not a Trump guy, despite looking like all of his sons
combined, I was not big into Trump.
I got annoyed with this question,
people asked me, you know,
yeah, but Trump's good for comedy right?
I was like, yeah, Trump was good for comedy
the way Chernobyl was good for oncologists, just,
too much to work with too quickly
and will lead to a compelling mini-series, but, uh,
I have to say, credit where credit is due,
he did accomplish a lot of things,
he said he would bring jobs back to Americans
and he did that, he absolutely did that.
If you consider terrorist a job, he totally did.
Remember our terrorists before Trump?
You know, we had to fly 'em in from overseas,
they could barely speak English?
Now, we have good, white, American terrorists, yeah!
Who can barely speak English, a lot of,
lot of typos in those manifestos, let me tell you.
I hate that word, by the way, manifesto.
It's too fancy for what it is.
It's always like, the shooter left an eight page manifesto.
Like, it's a blog, don't give it a Starbucks name.
That's not,
I don't like to complain about cancel culture
but I do get jealous of what comedians used to get away with
Eddie Murphy is returning to standup comedy
after 30 years away
and he would say wild things, but he only ever got
in trouble for his personal life.
Like when he was pulled over with a transgender prostitute
and he told police that he was just giving her a ride.
Imagine if that happened today.
People would be like, wow, didn't know Eddie Murphy
was a hero, what!
He supports trans rights, wants to legalize sex work,
and carpooling to reduce his carbon footprint.
Yeah!
Eddie Murphy for president, you know?
And his cabinet would just be him
in seven different fat suits, just Secretary of Clump,
Attorney of Clump, Norbert.
I do think it goes too far sometimes,
some of my friends think
we need to get rid of gender reveal parties
and I disagree with that.
I think we need to keep having them,
just not for babies.
Here's when we should be having gender reveal parties.
You know whenever a famous politician
gets caught with a prostitute?
And there's that moment of suspense,
you turn on the news, and like,
Senator Robert Hutcherson, a vocal opponent of gay rights,
was caught today with a prostitute, it's like,
(inhaling and laughing)
please be a boy, oh man, oh man!
Woo, red state, blue balloons, let's do it!
The confetti is just shredded NDA.
I'm not woke,
I'm progressive, not woke, and I get annoyed
with woke people because it feels like I have to agree
with any crazy shit they say, you know,
I'm like, I don't think businesses should be allowed
to discriminate against gay people.
Someone's like, yeah, and bisexuals should get to vote twice
it's like, um, and that too I guess,
that's also our thing, now.
Yes, and, you know?
You know, it feels like I'm ordering fast food
at a drive through and my friend is high in the backseat
also shouting shit at the microphone.
I'm like, hi, yeah, can we get like police reform,
like, body cams, better training?
Spay and neuter all cops!
Like, that's not,
ah, okay.
Is it, I'm afraid to argue with woke people.
Because I look like this and I don't know
who's gonna back me up, you know?
Because listen, I'm on board with 95% of it,
they're like, Black Lives Matter, I'm like, hell yeah.
They're like, future is female, stop Asian hate!
I'm like, absolutely!
They're like, all white men are scum!
I'm like, um, hey there.
That last part, that hurt my feelings when you said that
and honestly, it's a little hypocritical, given that you're,
and then I feel a warm hand on my shoulder
and I turn around and there's just a skinhead smiling
at me, he's like,
I hear you, brother.
No one has it harder than the white man.
It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
All right, ha-ha, I'm back.
Um, listen, I don't want you to hate me for being white,
but I don't want you to like me for being white.
Why are these the only two options?
Jesus, okay, well if I have to pick a side,
I'm gonna go with you guys, because at least
your heart is in the right place.
I'm just kidding, it's because you control
all of film and television, that's why I'm over here.
But when you find my old tweets,
I'll be calling you, yes I will!
Shoot for the moon,
even if you miss, you can still comfortably tour
the Midwest.