-Oh, I should have left that backstage.
Hey, everybody.
I was at the doctor the other day and he told me,
"Joe, if you don't start eating right and exercising,
I'm gonna have to put you on medication."
And I said, "Just give me the medication.
I'm not gonna do that now that I know about the medication.
You shouldn't have told me about the medication."
[ Laughter ]
By now you're realizing
I have a higher-pitched voice than most men.
That's a burden that Mike Tyson and I share together.
[ Laughter ]
I went to a fast-food drive-through.
The person on the other end of the microphone heard my voice
and thought I was female.
I pulled around to pick up my Baconator,
and he still called me ma'am.
[ Laughter ]
And I didn't even correct him.
I figured what's worse?
A stranger thinking I'm female when I'm male
or having to persuade... [ Laughter ]
...another man that I'm also a man.
[ Laughter ]
I won't do it. [ Laughter ]
I've had that conversation too many times.
And too many times they were not persuaded.
I told a female friend that, and she said,
"Well, what do you think is worse?
A person thinking you're a female when you're male
or pregnant when you're not?"
And I said, "Well, both have happened to me."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Neither made me feel very good."
[ Laughter ]
But did remind me of a story
when I went to Disney World a couple years back.
There's a thing there called the Fast Pass.
That's where you can pay more to cut in line,
but what they don't tell you is when you cut at amusement parks
it's overwhelmingly children that you're cutting in front of.
[ Laughter ]
So I bought one. [ Laughter ]
Went to the roller coaster, used my Fast Pass,
and realized I enjoy the cutting
way more than any of the stupid rides.
[ Laughter and applause ]
It got to the point
I wouldn't even bother getting on the rides.
I would just go to the front of the line
and then loop back around to cut in front of more children.
[ Laughter ]
At one point a child said,
"Daddy, why can he go in front of us?"
And I said, "I make more money than your father does."
[ Laughter and applause ]
He said, "Daddy, that's the meanest pregnant lady
I've ever seen." [ Laughter ]
I read that the Drug Enforcement Agency is gonna crack down hard
on NFL doctors over painkillers and performance-enhancing drugs.
I don't think they should.
I would take steroids on purpose
just so I don't have to play football.
[ Laughter ]
Because steroids are safer than football.
[ Laughter ]
Doctor's like, "Joe, you tested positive for steroids.
That means you're not allowed to be tackled over and over again
by a 6'4", 300-pound man who's also on steroids."
[ Laughter ]
I'm like, "Well, gee, Doc, that sounds bad.
What are the steroids gonna do?"
He's like, "well, they're gonna give you
a deeper voice and smaller testicles."
I'm like, "I could use both of those things."
[ Laughter ]
"Scratch me right where I itch, Doc."
[ Laughter and applause ]
I do a lot of traveling for stand-up.
On a recent flight though,
a lady had her dog in the middle seat,
and she bragged to me that she bought a fake service dog vest
on the Internet.
Now she takes her dog everywhere,
and I thought that was a little off-putting.
And she explained to me
that technically her dog cheers her up,
so in a way it is an emotional-support dog.
I thought, "Yeah, but what dog doesn't cheer you up?"
If your dog doesn't cheer you up,
you should check to see if your dog is a cat.
[ Laughter ]
Because cats are the number-one reason
you would need an emotional-support dog.
[ Laughter ]
They call those ladies crazy cat ladies,
but they weren't crazy
before they had a whole bunch of pets that didn't love them back.
[ Laughter ]
Got a weird call from my bank, gang.
They said that my security questions were hacked again,
and they recommended that I change the answers immediately.
I replied, "Well, how does that work?
How can I change the answers to facts about myself?"
[ Laughter ]
What's your favorite band? Led Zeppelin. Not anymore.
[ Laughter ]
Now it's the Backstreet Boys. [ Laughter ]
My security questions have been hacked so many times
I have my regular personality
and an alter-ego I had to write down
so I could remember what I said was true about myself.
[ Laughter ]
In my regular life
I enjoy Sprite and "Battlestar Galactica."
Ask the Internet, it's cocaine and cage fighting.
[ Laughter and applause ]
♪♪
-Joe Machi, everybody. Hey, nice to see you.
You should have left that backstage.
Follow him on Twitter @Joemachi.
My thanks to Jason Momoa, J.K. Simmons,
Joe Machi once again. [ Cheers and applause ]
That was great. You deserve it, buddy.