-Thank you very much. Enjoy yourself.
Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show"! You're here!
[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you.
Thank you for watching.
Let's get to some news.
Well, guys, today in Washington, D.C.,
it was the deadline for U.S. federal agencies
to remove TikTok from all government devices.
[ Audience "Oohs" ] Yeah.
And five minutes later, inflation, climate change,
and world peace were immediately solved.
[ Laughter ]
Apparently, government employees were really into TikTok today.
One White House staffer finally looked up from his phone
and said, "Vice President Biden, what are you doing here?"
[ Laughter ]
Some more news -- today, President Biden held a reception
at the White House
to celebrate Greek Independence Day.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Things got off to a rough start
when Biden was the only one who showed up wearing a toga.
[ Laughter ]
But Biden did the best he could,
although it was kind of embarrassing
when he ended his speech with,
"And may Zeus bless the United States."
[ Laughter ]
Guys, listen to this. I read that the grand jury
weighing charges against former president Trump
over hush payments made to Stormy Daniels
is taking the next month off.
[ Audience groans ]
What? -[ Laughs ]
-Even Ted Cruz is like, "You're going on vacation now?"
[ Laughter ]
Yep. A potential indictment is at least a month away.
Melania was like, "Well, cancel the party."
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of ongoing court cases, a federal judge ruled
Mike Pence has to testify in a January 6th investigation.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Meanwhile... -Yeah!
-Meanwhile, right now, everybody's talking about
the Gwyneth Paltrow trial.
And I think that they're both dealing with
some pretty similar questions on the stand.
-Really? -Yeah. For instance,
when a lawyer asks, "How would you describe that day?
Paltrow says, "A reckless 70-year-old nearly killed me."
Pence says, "A reckless 70-year-old nearly killed me."
[ Laughter and applause ]
See? -Yeah.
[ Applause ]
Next up, when asked, "How has the incident
affected your life going forward?"
Paltrow says, "I never want to go skiing at Deer Valley again."
Pence says, "I never want to see a guy
wearing deer antlers again.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next up, when asked
"What did you say when it happened?"
Paltrow said, "I screamed the F word."
Pence says, "I screamed the F word -- fiddlesticks."
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally, when asked,
"Have you spoken to the man you claim is responsible?"
Paltrow said, "No, my lawyer advised against it."
Pence said, "No, we had a conscious uncoupling."
Oh, there you...
[ Laughter and applause ] -I believe him.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, today in Washington, Senator Bernie Sanders
grilled the former C.E.O. of Starbucks
on the company's labor practices.
You could tell Bernie was really angry
because the volume of his voice
went from tall to grande to venti!
[ Laughter ]
Bernie wasn't even supposed to be there.
He just heard a billionaire C.E.O. was testifying
and busted in like the Kool-Aid Man.
"Oh, yeah!" [ Laughter ]
Some news from overseas.
King Charles' first portrait as monarch was just released.
Here it is.
That's not bad. [ Laughter ]
Not bad. Can we see a portrait of an old king?
I mean, there you go. [ Laughter ]
-Wow. -Come on, Charles.
Where's the drip?
[ Laughter ]
Hey, have you guys heard about this website?
It's called character.ai?
Uses artificial intelligence
so you can have a conversation with any historical figure.
It's real.
Well, it was recently valued at over a billion dollars,
so I thought maybe we could try it right here on the show.
We'll try it?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Character.ai, connect me to Abraham Lincoln.
Wow. I can't believe this. All right.
Uh, hello, Mr. Lincoln. How are you?
[ Laughter ]
Fam? Let me try another question.
What are you doing today?
[ Laughter ]
You were a great president.
Your leadership was truly an inspiration to all Americans.
All right, I'm done with this. I don't want to do this.
It's broken. Forget it.