Can I ask a question?
Why do you think gay people love horror so much?
Because we do.
Oh, I, I know why.
I know why.
Because we love seeing straight people get killed.
Hi, I'm Trixie Mattel.
And I'm Katya.
And we are two queens who like to watch,
- ooky-spooky edition. - Spooky.
Today we're watching, I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House,
Winchester,
The Autopsy of Jane Doe,
Cargo,
and #Alive.
Movies about the undead and ghosts.
Very in my wheel house,
- this sub-genre of horror. - Yes.
For me, this is just called "documentary."
For me, it's called "when she forgets to put makeup
on the back of her hands."
As always, major spoilers abound
so, if you're prone to be spoiled, then I'm gonna shoo
you away with my broom right now.
Go on, get, get, go on, get!
The first movie we're watching is That Lives in the House.
I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House.
"The Trixie Mattel Story."
No, my story is, "I Am the Skinny Thing
That Lives in the House."
Well, depending on the time of year.
Sometimes I'm just the house.
(Screams)
At that point, I would be more than suspecting
that the home is haunted.
Yeah, I think-
I love that she said, "Ahh! Ahh! Ahh–I think it's haunted.
I really do.”
Oh, Mary Dugan, Mary Dugan.
- Excuse me. - It's you, it's you.
Excuse me, get out of my house.
"Are you gonna take me to the catillion or what?"
What if she's just like, "Oh, that's my roommate."?
"Oh, hi. Hi Beverley."
"You came home late last night."
Could you imagine?
Could you imagine, every time you're, like, startled
in your house, you're like “Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Oh.”
That makes you the best roommate.
Every time you see your roommate in the house,
scream like it's a specter.
"Wake up, it's time to go shoot for Netflix."
Oh, "Good morning."
"Good morning, creepy TV."
The pretty thing you are looking at is me.
"White Diamonds by Elizabeth Taylor."
"The new fragrance."
Still cannot see any of what is coming.
Oh my God.
Oh good, turn off the light, yeah.
You know what?
Honestly, scary movies have cracked the code.
They said, "You know what's scarier than seeing something?”
“Seeing nothing."
"Nothing."
Moving on. Winchester.
Built by Sarah Winchester, heir to the Winchester fortune,
the building is actually being built
as a prison to house vengeful ghosts.
Most of whom have a bone to pick with the Winchesters.
♪ Beautiful dreamer, wake up to me ♪
♪ Starlight and dewdrops–♪
First of all, there's nothing scarier
than kids singing, period.
- I know. I know. - I don't care if it's Christina Aguilera
singing in The Mickey Mouse Club. A child's voice
- singing an earnest song. - Haunting.
- Yeah. - Too much.
♪ "Beautiful lady, floating above my bed."♪
If I had a son or daughter, or whatever their gender
is, because I wouldn't have a gender reveal party,
'cause I don't burn down entire countries,
I would say, "You need to stop that singing,
because we've talked about how creepy it is when you sing.
We've talked about the sound of your voice."
Immediately, "Whoa, whoa, oh my God, shut the (beep) up.”
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, we're not singing."
- "Yeah, we're not doing any of that." - "You think you're little Miss Annie?"
"You think this is the Von Trapp Family Singers?
And if you're not singing to sell songs to make money,
what are we doing?"
Henry?
The house crashed down and now we're about to watch
a woman taken by a spirit.
Can I ask you a question?
With your TV money, would you buy a house
if you thought it was haunted?
Abso-(bleep)-lutely.
Don't have to find a boyfriend.
Ain't never gonna get lonely.
Oh girl, yes, 100%.
- I'm not joking. - Plus, I would have the ghost trained
and like, my friends would come over and I would be like, Matilda, like-
- Yeah, let's all get 'em. - guests all be flying.
You become very good Judies with them and you say,
"All right, I'm having a dinner party, Wednesday 8pm,
you all better let them have it."
And then-
Girl.
- ♪"Dayo."♪ - ♪"Dayo."♪
- Yes. - Yeah.
These vermin profit from death.
Sarah, fight him.
No more!
If your family invented rifles that kill people...
Oh, your ass is getting haunted.
- Yeah, your ass is getting haunted. - Girl, you're getting haunted.
You're getting haunted.
Yeah, yeah.
And you've got a singing kid?
You're gettin' double haunted.
Also, you're heirs to the Winchester fortune,
get the guns.
I know.
I mean, you can't shoot a gun at a ghost.
Why not?
- You're probably not gonna hit it. - But you know what?
You can try.
So this is The Autopsy of Jane Doe,
and let's just say that with this body,
there's a lot of mystery.
That's me, if I was in these movies.
When people are dead I'm like, "Okay, move on."
Yeah, "Moving on, let's not linger."
If we're in a zombie movie, and you got bit,
I'm shooting you in the face so fast
- and moving on with my life. - So fast, yeah.
- I don't like, "Ugh," no. - “Ugh.”
- No. - We're not doing this.
Yeah.
"She's dead, you stabbed her."
Obviously the blanket on the face
was even more than I would do.
Yeah, you'd just kick her.
They are not at Cedar Sinai, where are they?
It’s not a hospital,
this is where they bring dead bodies.
Not a hospital.
The morgue?
Yeah, this is a morgue.
They brought them a “Jane Doe.”
That body's haunted.
Mama, she, that corpse is haunted.
"Hi, it's Karen from hospitality.
We have a delivery."
Yeah.
- "Pew!" - "Pew!"
I know that woman's demented,
I know that she's cursed, and that she's probably evil...
Her body's slamming,
I'm just gonna say it.
I know.
By the way, this actress's job was to lay naked.
Sign me up.
Finally, a role I can embrace.
- I could chew on. - Yes, seriously.
I didn't get the job because I don't have that body
and I'm not a woman.
That is my dream role.
To play a dead woman?
Play a dead woman, totally butt-ass naked,
and you’d better believe the director would be so over me
because every time I felt the camera near my face
I'd go like this...
"Just stay (beep) dead, what do you not understand
about 'Jane Doe is a dead body'?"
I'd be like-
Yeah, they'd be like, "You're supposed to be dead."
I'd be like, "Okay, hold on."
Yeah.
I mean, what would you do?
If you started this evil body on fire,
and it didn't even char?
I'd be like, "What are you doing?
Your skin looks phenomenal."
Yeah, "Drop the face routine, sis."
"Drop the skincare routine, sis.
Are you on Biotin?"
When your body dies,
I don't think they should try to burn it.
Shoot it into space.
This movie's called Cargo.
Okay, we're over in Australia.
There's been a pandemic that's made everyone, you know,
not good, and this father is looking for shelter
for him and his child because he's infected.
Now, I don't know if you could imagine how a pandemic
might scare people in some way, but you're really
gonna have to put your imagination cap on here.
Yeah.
- Ah! - Ah!
Ahh!
- "What you got there, good?" - Oh boy.
"What you got there, good?"
She's got a little steering wheel in the belly, I think.
- Okay. - No, that's a tree branch, sis.
That's a tree branch.
Kay.
Oh.
(Baby crying)
Babies are so tired.
Your Mom's stabbed, but that baby's like, "I'm bored."
I'm gonna be controversial, okay.
Speak on it.
That baby is out the window.
What you gonna do with a baby, in the apocalypse?
You gotta throw the baby to the wolves,
then you're gonna run the other way.
Throw the baby.
- Ohh! - Oh, my, God.
Oh my God, her face is now pea soup.
- Oh, they're– - Oh my God.
Oh, oh she's biting him.
She's biting him with that peanut butter mouth.
Ugh!
Oh!
Stay here. Stay here.
No.
Well.
He's leaving the baby.
See, he took your advice.
I'm so glad he dumped the baby.
I know, get the negativity out of your life.
I'm not trying to watch a movie with a crying baby.
They only think about themselves.
Okay, so he's stuck in a cage about to become zombie food
and he's trying to find a way out.
They're coming.
Oh! Oh boy.
- Oh my God. - Oh (bleep).
- And there's like, animal meat laying there. - Are those little intestines, dangling?
- Ooh. - Oh, not the little, oh, sausage things.
I'd be a vegetarian zombie even.
Like, I would not last long.
I'd be like, "You guys really shouldn't be doing this."
I'd be eating a bunch of people and I'd be the zombie
who's like, "Do you guys have anything else?"
Yeah, "Um. I'll just fill up on bread."
Who are they stealing keys and a baby from?
Oh the baby's alive.
Is that baby climbing a ladder?
- Are you trying to tell me that that baby is... - They do grow up fast.
That baby said, "See ya at Gymboree, (bleep)."
This is #Alive.
I believe this is a Korean film, and there is a zombie
outbreak, and this gentleman is, like, a stay-at-home,
kind of, gamer.
His family's all out, and he's home alone, and he's watching
on the news, there's a zombie outbreak.
- No, you’re not. - "I'm fine, I'm fine."
You're not fine, bitch.
Also, I'm not selfish.
- If I was there- - No kidding.
My little ass would've jumped off that building.
Jumped off the building, abso-(bleep)-lutely.
In a second, in a second.
I'd really jump out the window.
I hate in zombie movies where people are fully bitten,
they're like, "I'm fine."
- "(Bleep), you're not fine.” - No.
You're not fine and you know it.
Jump out the window.
This gentleman's hair is dyed blonde the whole movie
even though it goes for weeks.
So, we could make fantasy movies.
But we've gotta tether ourselves to reality,
- show me the natural growth. - Yeah.
Also, when you're running for your life,
how are your lashes flawlessly mascaraed?
"Ugh!" You fall to the ground in, like, an apocalypse
and I'm like, "But your lashes are flawlessly separated,
tops and bottoms."
These, by the way, these zombie actors, these zombie actors,
violently slamming into walls.
I know.
I mean, they're turning it.
The zombie actors in this movie are so good.
I don't think I would have a success story
in a zombie apocalypse.
Again, exactly.
I don't have the endurance.
I don't have the gumption.
I don't have the motivation.
I've lived a great life, I have a wonderful legacy.
I don't want to-
Well...
You've lived a great life, when was that?
- I'm ready to hang it up. - Lived a great past life?
I'm ready to hang it up at every go.
You're ready to live a great after-life, bye.
There you go, bye.
I wanna go out without a chewed-up neck.
Oh, we're both wearing nylons.
Yes.
Going down to the courthouse, honey.
Oh, are they fast-moving?
Oh no, fast movers.
There's different types of zombies.
There's shambling, Walking Dead zombies.
Yeah.
Run around them.
There's 28 Days Later, sprinting at you, screaming.
Yeah, that's too stressful. I don’t think–
World War Z, back-flipping,
parkouring off a wall, zombies.
Yeah. Yeah, the Dominique Dawes of zombies.
I can't do, I can’t do the–
The Gabby Douglas of zombies.
You know what I would do?
I would find a weapon and I would be like,
"All right, you mother(bleep)."
"Bingo, you (bleep) bags."
"Y’all can't kill me, bye."
Oh, mama.
See, this is all the more reason to literally
just give up and, like, jump off the bridge.
Also, she should have served this.
Bam!
Honey, boom.
Yeah, "Are you enjoying that?"
- Not anymore. - She said, "You know what?
I'd rather stick it out."
Yeah. "Anybody else?"
“I'm not offering a free buffet.”
You want genuinely horrifying,
woman blood-curdling screaming,
you watch I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House.
If you want dead gun revenge, haunted house,
and A-list caliber acting, you go to Winchester.
If you wanna watch indestructible, beautiful
female bodies that are also evil, you watch...
The Autopsy of Jane Doe.
If you wanna watch Australian people in the bush
trying to get away from zombies, you watch Cargo.
Cargo.
You want pulse-pounding zombie horror
with a social media twist, you watch #Alive.
All of these wonderful movies
are now streaming on Netflix.
- Whoo, scary. - Whoo!