When we were kids, we used to go to my gran's house for Diwali.
Diwali is brown Christmas.
Fucking winter festival!
Anyway, go on. Sorry!
THEY LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY
I've seen my dad eat brain masala before.
What?! Yeah, mate.
Brain masala. Masala?!
No, I don't think... Brain?!
My dad took us to Billingsgate Fish Market
and he said, "I'm just off to get something,"
and he came back...
and, over his shoulder, he was carrying a shark. I'm not...
It was insane. And he said, "This makes great curry."
He actually bought a shark?! Yeah.
But the other thing my dad did, which isn't as cool, is he once
came home from the pub, was really hungry,
and so deep-fried a hard-boiled egg.
What?! He said, "I really fancy something really bad for you..."
Yeah...
..and so he deep-fried a hard-boiled egg.
He died of a heart attack. I don't who...
I don't know who found that surprising.
I can't... I imagine he went, "Yeah."
I reckon my first girlfriend was like when I was about 14. 14?! Yeah.
Goodness me, Romesh. Not serious, it was...
And she was white, so magical. Anyway, um...
But I, I remember one of my earliest girlfriends
sort of, openly, was cheating on me.
How...? How...? How openly?
Well, like, she'd tell... like, everyone knew.
At... At what point does that stop being...?
The word "cheating" doesn't really cover that, does it?
No, because I've changed the rules and allowed her to do that.
But I wasn't allowed to.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Next question. When you had your first relationship, at 19...
Yeah, at university.
..you must have been super desperate and just insane, right?
Yeah. I think I was like two weeks
away from some sort of sex doll situation.
Right. So how did you meet? She was like a fresher as well, was she?
I met her through the debating society, Romesh. Oh, my God.
Right, OK. Why are you surprised?!
Did you ask her out?
No. It was relayed to me via a third party.
Oh, my God.
Somebody told you that she fancied you?!
Is that what happened...
at university?!
Wow!
19 years old!
You heard, you heard this sentence - "Nish,
"somebody else who's in Debating Society fancies you."
I mean...
if that doesn't scream "virginity", I don't know what does, mate.
NISH LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY
I went to see...
Do you know Ice T had a metal band called Body Count? Yeah!
Yeah, I do remember.
I went, I was slightly underage, so I bought a packet of cigarettes,
so I was smoking in the queue, so that the bouncers would let me in.
So, as I walked up to the front of the queue, he said,
"I need to search you," searched me, and said, "What is this, mate?"
and pulled, from my pocket,
a packet of Hobnobs.
Why did you take...?!
I was quite overweight, I just liked to have biscuits with me
at all times!
Romesh... And he just went, he just went, "Just go in, mate."