- Do you guys observe Pride?
(audience cheers) (audience claps)
Okay. (chuckles)
All right, calm down. (audience laughs)
I do, Pride is obviously really, really important.
It's important to buy products.
(audience chuckles)
For all of June this year,
I only bought clothing from companies
that use LGBT friendly sweatshops, and...
(audience laughs)
I think, in general I try to be an ethical consumer.
Like the other day I was at a party,
and someone offered me cocaine.
And I said, "I'm sorry,
"does this come from a woman-owned drug cartel?" (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
It's just something a lot of people don't think about.
(audience laughs)
Aside from being a proud member of the LGBTQ community,
I'm also part of
the most marginalized sexual minority in the world.
Which is people who are horny, but prude.
(audience laughs)
Anyone else? (chuckles)
(audience hollers) Yeah.
Yeah, just kind of like, "Hey daddy, don't look at me."
(audience laughs)
It's the energy I'm bringing. (chuckles)
(audience chuckles)
I actually, I just got out of a very long relationship.
It was over a year ago, but I haven't matured, and.. .
(audience laughs)
We were in a long-distance relationship.
Emotional distance, we actually lived together, but...
(audience laughs)
But when you go through a breakup, like,
(sighs) you just, you have all these intrusive thoughts
that you can't control,
your brain is just doing its own thing.
Has anyone here ever experienced intimacy, and I...
(audience laughs)
So I would just wake up every day,
and have all these unwanted thoughts, just like,
"I have to get a wrist tattoo."
(audience chuckles)
That says breathe.
(audience laughs)
(chuckles)
I don't think so. (audience chuckles)
I was, one thing you can do
if you're going through a breakup,
which I highly recommend, and I did do, as well,
is just start attending a lot of weddings.
I just started going to them left and right,
whether I was invited to them, or not.
(audience laughs)
I was actually in my best friend's wedding,
which was in London.
She married a British guy
that she met while studying abroad, so, whoopsie, you know?
(audience laughs)
No, I'm kidding. (chuckles)
She's Lizzie McGuire, but...
(audience laughs)
I was a bridesman in the wedding,
and if you haven't been to a traditional Anglican wedding,
the way it works is that there are six groomsmen,
and six bridesmaids, and one bridesman, and...
(audience laughs)
Each bridesmaid walks down the aisle with each groomsman.
And then the bridesman walks down the aisle with,
say it with me, the bride's grandmother, and...
(audience laughs)
So, so my friend, she's Filipino American,
her husband is very British, like I said.
So I'm walking down the aisle
with just the sweetest little Filipino lady.
Has had to watch her people be freed
from their white colonizers. (audience chuckles)
Just to have to sit through
her granddaughter walking down the aisle with,
you know, Benedict Cumberbatch.
(audience laughs)
I should say the Philippines,
were technically colonized by Spain, not Britain,
but that joke works well
if you're woke, but uneducated. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
I did like London, though.
I guess I'm sophisticated?
(audience chuckles)
I used to live in San Francisco.
(audience members hoot)
Is anyone here a tech oligarch?
Okay. (audience laughs)
Just kind of blinded by your own narcissism.
(audience laughs)
If you haven't been to San Francisco,
it used be all like, hippies and artists, and stoners,
or whatever, and then one year all the tech people moved in,
and they were like, "You don't live here anymore."
(audience chuckles)
And then all the hippies were like,
"But we're almost done making this quilt." (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
And then all the tech people were like,
"No, (audience chuckles)
we 3D printed this better quilt."
(audience laughs)
And it costs $4,000. (audience chuckles)
And it films you while you sleep.
(audience laughs)
And if you don't have one, you can't log in to Spotify.
(audience laughs)
So get on board. (chuckles) (audience laughs)
I hate tech people, I'm currently looking for a job in tech.
(audience laughs)
So let me know if you have any leads,
after the show. (audience chuckles)
It's okay for me to say that.
Hypocrisy is a very big part of gay culture, so...
(audience laughs)
If you call me out on it, that's hate speech.
(audience laughs)
I would love to work in tech.
I'm truly, I feel relaxed just thinking about it.
(audience laughs)
My friends are like,
"Why would you want to work at faceless corporations?
"It's like, don't body shame them. (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
"Just 'cause they don't have faces,
"doesn't mean they don't have,
"all the legal protections of personhood."
(audience laughs)
(chuckles) "Okay." I snapped.
(audience laughs)
No but I, I am, I am a tireless advocate
for marginalized corporations. (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
I don't think your activism is fully intersectional.
Unless it includes
the liberation of multinational conglomerates.
(audience laughs)
(audience members hoot)
Yeah. (audience chuckles)
Yeah, we exist. (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
And no matter what gender my kids are,
I'm raising them as brands.
(audience laughs)