- I'd like you guys to think what you would like
a freestyle rap about.
And we will get five suggestions.
We'll drop a beat and have some fun.
And the first suggestion is gonna come
from someone over here. What would you like?
- [Woman In Audience] Asparagus.
- [Man In Audience] Colonization
- Well, you, you said asparagus?
- [Woman In Audience] Yeah.
Which is a food, but, but, but it's
it's preferable to colonization
by this young man in the front row.
(audience laughing)
Let's let's, let's pull up a stool
and have this thorny discussion.
You're you are from a colony.
What's your name?
- [Man In Audience] Parcho.
- Parcho.
I, I, I'm not even gonna try.
I apologize.
My ancestors would not have,
they would've called you boy.
And I apologize for that.
(audience laughing)
I
I can't believe you're applauding that.
That is absolutely disgusting.
So what, what about, let's be more specific.
Let's kind of drill down into this.
What specifically about colonization?
- [Man In Audience] Everything, I guess.
- Everything, but no, we can, we can
we can hone in on a specific topic.
- [Man In Audience] Railways.
- Railways. Okay, cool.
(stammers)
- [Man In Audience] Yeah, the kind we left behind
that don't work anymore.
- The kind we left behind that don't work anymore.
Well, I mean, they are 160 years old, right?
You guys should have done some upkeep,
that's.
We frisk people for weapons on the way in, right?
Good. Okay.
(audience laughing)
You've left your onion rings untouched.
Was that, was that a, a gamble?
And you've decided you didn't like them?
But you've been here a while
cause you were wearing a UC Irvine hoodie.
- [Man In Audience] Yeah.
- Yeah. But did you not go there?
- [Man In Audience] I did.
- You did.
- [Man In Audience] (inaudible)
- Yeah I know, I know, I know that.
It's getting awkward. So.
(audience laughing)
A little bit, right?
Colonization, but specifically the railways
and asparagus shouted over there.
I'm glad you were excited.
Just you're just like anything but that awkward interaction.
Asparagus and colonization railway,
middle of the room,
please do not bring up any of the apparent things
my country did in its past.
And what would you like a rap about?
- [Woman 2 In Audience] The use of Vaseline.
- The use of Vaseline.
Thank you.
Yes. I'm just waiting for you
this side of the station to be like
actually that was something you stole from us. And,
no, that was the cow we know of.
Front of the front, front of the room.
What would you like a rap about?
- (inaudible)
(audience laughing)
I'm gonna let you say that into the microphone
because I think several people at the back will ejaculate.
Would you just, would you repeat that?
- [Woman 3 In Audience] Licking weenises?
- Thank you.
But for those of you that don't know,
the weenis is the colloquial term for the bit
of skin dangling on the end of your elbow opposite.
The more medically named antecubital fossa.
Licking weenises.
Over here, what would you like a rap about?
- [Man 2 In Audience] The queen.
- The queen, I, I feel, I feel that that feels too obvious.
That feels too kind of, you know,
let's be more imaginative than that.
You can make, give the queen an activity.
(audience laughing)
Don't say colonizing.
(audience laughing)
- [Man 2 In Audience] The queen existing.
- The queen existing?
You count that as an activity?
Okay.
The queen existing, licking weenises, asparagus,
the uses of Vaseline, colonization, the railways.
Okay, cool.
This is a freestyle that is a rap made upon the spot.
Usually they're very, very good.
If this one is not good, you know who to blame.
My lovely band are gonna are gonna bring
bring together all the sounds
in the universe and create something magical.
Let's see what that's gonna sound like.
(instrumental music plays)
Feel that tension.
They're like, yeah, Chris, this is disgraceful
and horrendous and let's have some fun.
We'll skate past this quickly.
Got a lot of us.
We're moving on the first one taking that asparagus.
I like it.
I never feel fear.
Even though the veg is green.
If you shaped like a spear, I like it.
I'll explain. Let me talk.
You've gotta break it. Snap it at the stalk.
Don't use a knife on the hard little pick.
If you just bend it where it splits is the perfect plate.
And then you blanch it.
Maybe get a little bit of steam and ask it.
Do you want some bamboo?
Do you want some lemon or some butter?
Maybe get some capers, but later you'll discover
if you go into the Lou, come into the steam
or whiff off your piss, you can smell that Urine.
You're like, whoa, ate it quiet long in the past.
But still I smell that piss pong.
It'd be making sense.
A at rhino, a guys like your had an asparagus night
yall I'd be like, yeah, I should have used the Cubical.
and keep the little aroma away from yall.
maybe I could talk about this in my dream.
I like to keep moist using pot of Vaseline.
I take it by the side of my bed. It's not smelly.
What's it come from. That's petroleum jelly.
The brand name with the V A S, Vaseline.
I like to put it on my weenis.
I keep it kind of moist opposite of dry.
And if this lady on the street catches my eye,
I'll be like, don't worry. I'll give you a choice.
The Vaseline pot keeps my weenis moist.
I like to hold my arm out at a little angle
but then I make it flex.
Watch my weenis hang low.
Going down low, going down deep.
You'll be going down on your knees and saying, ah
ever so glad that I seen this tongue
out hard and you're gobbing on the weenis.
Ever so weird. I could pay you pretty penny.
What's the queen do?
She exists for many, many, many, many years and decades.
You think by now she would've decayed, but she hasn't.
She's still persists in a home, Buckingham Palace.
You've got the Liz on the throne.
If you say what's that diamond on your wrist?
She says I stole it in the past and still exist.
It's kind of weird. It's kind of absurd.
You might think the crown jewels,
they would come out as curse.
Cause we got them, that was an ill gotten prize.
We came over when we decide to colonize.
We walk in saying, hello you.
Can I steal this plunder and get the jewels?
Going off to Bangalore, going off to other places
and taking all the treasure right in front of your faces.
You're like, whoa, when will you go away?
We're like, don't worry, got a prize to say.
We are going to display this.
Inspire your today.
Look what we made, some lovely railways.
And you'll be like, nah, they're rotten just a bit.
To say in these ill-gotten gains, they don't fit.
But railways, you've gotta keep them up,
I beseech you. maybe replace the rails and the sleepers
then all the trains go through. It's amazing.
I know it's kind of weird. I'm trying to gauge in.
Gauge in, that's a railway pun.
Whoever thought colonization could be fun?
Well not these two guys. They're not into you.
They'll put a one star review. We're from India.
We didn't like it. We thought it's really, really shit.
But on the plus side, who expected rap from a Brit?
(audience applauds)
I'm sorry.