Hey guys, it’s Hasan Minhaj.
If you’ve seen the show, you know that I talk a lot about being Indian-American
and the Desi experience growing up in this country.
But high school was a long time ago.
So, I wanted to talk to Desi kids growing up in America right now.
So, I got together with seven Desi-Americans from the Greater New Jersey and New York area—
and then one kid who drove all the way from Missouri.
Alright, real quick–
say your full name and then say the way white people say your name.
So, my name’s Hasan Minhaj.
I would get Han-sen Min-haj-a.
I’d get Sa-han Meen-ha.
I’d get Sean. I’d get–
– (Sean.) – (Sean.)
My name is Jena Adya Dookie.
People say my name Jenna I-eat-a-doo-kie.
Okay, so my name is Sahir Mir.
People would call me Sa-hear Mur
and then, like, Cher.
My full name is Preksha Kalvar
and people pronounce it Presh-ka Calamari.
(Oooh.)
My full name is Pavan Datta Kolluru
and all my friends at school,
all my full time teachers, they call me Pavan.
That’s like my white name.
Yeah, my name is
Tejasri Vijayakumar,
but I go by Teji.
Most people say Teh-ji.
I had a teacher that called me Tev-ee for half a year.
Tev-ee?
Teji: Tev-ee.
Abeer: Tev-ee?
Teji: Yeah.
I’ll be honest, I’ve rolled with that too.
Teji: Yeah.
Like, when people are like “Ha-sahn,”
I’m like, “Fine.”
Okay, so my name is Abeer Khan and no one ever pronounced my name wrong.
People get it right a hundred percent of the time?
Not a hundred percent, like– people spell my last name wrong–
like, K-A-H-N—
that’s how they say, it’s K-H-A-N.
Okay.
My name is Suhani Madan and, like, when people, like, read it off attendance
they’re like Shoe-nee or like—
But also my friends call me Susu…
which means pee…
I just went with it.
You went with Susu?
Suhani: I mean, I was the only one who knew what that meant so, like, they—
They didn’t really know, so, like, it’s fine.
Abeer, what would you do if someone called you pee-pee?
Abeer: I would say it back.
Oh, you’d be like “No, you’re pee-pee.”
Yeah.
I would get an Uno reverse card, I’d pull it up, I’ll be like, “No, you little pee-pee.”
I like that.
Have you ever had problems with your name?
Suhani: So, when I was little, I didn’t have a middle name and everyone, like—
everyone else had a middle name, they just guarded it, like, so, like—
They’d be like, “Oh, my name is, like,” whatever. Like, their first name and their last name.
And then people would be like, “Oh, what’s your middle name?”
And they’d be like, “I can’t tell you. It just—I can’t tell you.”
Do you– do you have a middle name?
’Cause I don’t have a middle name.
– Suhani: I don’t have a middle name. – Yeah, I don’t have one either.
Suhani: Yeah, a lot of Indians I feel like don’t have a middle name.
Why is that?
Suhani: I don’t know. Like,
– Pavan: They just put like, a hundred first names. – my grandparents don’t either.
Okay, so what did you say your middle name was?
Suhani: I decided that my middle name would be “Biryani.”
Suhani: Because– Abeer: I mean, I love Biryani, so...
Suhani: Because it rhymes with Suhani. And like, Suhani “Biryani” Madan. That just sounds good.
I think that’s a great name.
– Suhani: It sounds good. – Abeer: I think that’s an awesome name.
Let me ask you guys a question: What is the most stressful thing
about going to school right now, for you personally? Is it just academics?
Jena: Yeah…
Well, also, the fact that people just can’t seem to wrap their head around the fact that I’m brown.
Okay.
Jena: There’s no other brown people in my school.
Pavan: There’s not that many Indians. We have like seven guys, two girls in my grade.
I got a lot of crap for being vegetarian. I was like, eating, like, yogurt or something at lunch
and people had these chicken nuggets and they’re, like, trying to get it in my food.
Did you ever think, you’re like, “Alright, what— I’m just gonna have one chicken nugget?”
Pavan: When I was younger, yeah. But not any more. I’m like—
‘Cause I had the same thing with pepperoni.
Pavan: Yeah, like…
Like, I was just like, “God will understand.”
Pavan: My friend would like, print out pictures of, like, cows, like, “Here you go!”
I’m like, “Why are you giving me this picture? Like,”
“You worship cows right?” I’m like, “Shut up.”
Abeer: If someone ever did that to me, I woulda gone down to the cafeteria,
I would’ve gotten the milk tray and just smacked it right at their face.
I respect that.
Have you ever gotten something like that?
Sahir: My school’s like, 60 percent Indian, like…
I’ve had a couple people, like, say things about me being Muslim though.
’Cause everyone there’s like, you know, like, Hindu.
Yeah.
So they’ll, they’ll just be like, “Oh, so you’re from like Pakistan, right?”
Hating Muslims is timeless.
– I mean, that’s just like a... – Sahir: That’s just...
Sahir: I don’t think that’s going to go away for a long time.
It’s a classic. Know what I mean?
Abeer: For vacation, like, sometimes American people,
they go to like, different places to like France, or Cancún, or the Bahamas.
Do you know what Cancún is?
Yeah I know what Cancún is.
Abeer: Okay, so like, my friends they would say, like, they went to Germany
or like a bunch of fun places like Disney World—
And then where would you go?
Abeer: So, like, I would just say I went to France to see the Eiffel Tower
’cause I didn’t want them to know that I actually just went to India, like all the vacations.
It was the same thing for me. My parents would–
Every time we would go on vacation,
– Abeer: Yeah. – we would just have to go to India.
They were like, “If you’re going to go on a plane, we have to see your grandparents.”
Abeer: Yeah.
And so like, if they were like, “What was that like Abeer?” What would you say?
Abeer: I’ll just say, “Oh, it was a lot of fun. It was a really cool sight to see.”
Why do you talk like that? That’s how– the way you would talk to your friends at school?
Abeer: No, not like that!
“It was a sight to see?”
Abeer: No, it was a cool sight to see.
Okay, it was a cool sight to see.
What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told your parents?
Sahir: Let me think.
Do you want me to tell? I’ll tell you the biggest lie I’ve ever told my parents.
Abeer: Okay.
In high school, there was this girl that I really liked and she would wear bracelets all the time.
So, I really liked her and I went into my mom’s closet and I stole chooriyan from her closet
and I gave it to this girl, and I didn’t know that
they came from my grandmother.
So it was, like, a family heirloom.
The girl was like, “Cool!”
She didn’t like me back.
All: Ooooohhhh!
She then went to Europe for the summer...
Pavan: She lost it.
…and I remember like a few weeks later my mom was like, “Najme! Where are my chooriyan?”
And my dad was like, “Seema, I don’t know where your jewelry is!”
And they were having, like, a full on argument
because my mom thought my dad had, like, moved it
and put it somewhere else — and I totally let the argument happen — felt super guilty.
Girl comes back from Europe, and I’m like, “Hey, remember that jewelry I gave you?
It belongs to my grandmother. Can you please return it?”
And she was like, “Uh, yeah I lost it.”
So basically—
yeah, I lied to my parents and, uh, I let them get in an argument over a family heirloom that I lost.
– Pavan: Did they know about it later on? – Jena: Wow.
I told my mom after I got married.
Teji: Oh, okay!
What do you guys do when you hang out with your friends?
Jena: I eat and go to the mall.
Teji: Yeah.
Jena: That’s pretty much it. I just eat food…
You guys still go to the mall?
Jena and Teji: Yeah.
Pavan: We’ll go to like a movie or something. Or go to one of their houses,
just like, play PS4 or play basketball.
Do you guys play Fortnite?
Pavan: No.
– Sahir: I used to. – Abeer: I did.
Jena: No.
Abeer: I did.
Were you addicted to it?
Abeer: Yes.
Can you floss?
Abeer: Yeah.
Show me.
Abeer: Okay.
That’s awesome!
Do you still dab?
Abeer, are you popular at school?
Abeer: I guess, yeah.
That’s the coolest response ever.
Preksha: Go off.
That’s a cool way of saying you’re really popular.
Abeer: Yeah, I guess.
But do you know any new dances? There’s flossing and dabbing.
Teji: Oh... The “Woah!”
The what?
– Oh, this. – Everyone: The “Woah.”
Can you do it?
– Abeer: No. – Pavan: That’s like the Indian uncle coming out of him.
But what— what is this?
Jena: “This” is what you caught. You caught “this.” Yeah, you caught two fists.
So I’m gonna throw it to you.
Preksha: Okay.
OKay, Let me ask you this: Are these phrases still in?
“Lolz?”
All: Yes.
Okay.
Okay. “Roflmao?”
– Teji: Yes. – Jena: No.
– Pavan: No. – Suhani: Kind of.
– Sahir: No. Not really. – Pavan: Kinda.
“Pwnd?”
Sahir: Oh I remember that from like six years ago.
Abeer: Yeah, me too.
You remember that from six years ago?
Abeer, you were six.
You were six years old then.
Pavan: He was ballin’.
Abeer, you’re lying, bro! You are lying, Abeer!
What about “1337?”
Leet.
Pavan: Never heard of that either.
All: What?
Pavan: How old are you?
Alright, what’s the new Internet slang?
Sahir: “No cap.” “Deadass.”
Teji: “Periodt.”
Wait, wait, wait.
Okay, What’s “no cap?”
Sahir: Like, without exaggeration. Like, “Bro, I won that no cap.”
So, “Abeer is cool, no cap.”
Sahir: No cap.
Sahir: Deadass.
– All: Deadass. Yeah. – What’s “deadass?”
Sahir: Same thing. It’s like, “Yo, I’m deadass really cool.”
So use it in a sentence.
Pavan: Like…
Abeer– come on. Use deadass in a sentence.
Abeer: Okay. Mom, don’t get mad.
Everyone: Aw.
Abeer: “I deadass failed my test.”
Did that check out?
All: Yeah.
Alright, just real quick. You guys are very clean shaven. Did you guys shave before you got here?
Pavan: Yesterday, yeah.
You shaved yesterday?
Pavan: Yeah.
Sahir: Yeah, I shaved yesterday.
Your parents let you shave?
Sahir: My mom said it was like, a sacred thing that I need to, like, stop, but I was like,
but I was like, “No, mom,” like “my mustache looks disgusting. Like I’m going to shave it.”
And then she recorded me doing it for the rest of the time.
Your mom recorded you shaving your mustache? How old were you when you—
Sahir: Fifteen.
Okay, what?! Okay.
You had a mustache until you were fifteen???
That is a level of strength that is unbelievable.
I shaved my mustache when I was in the eighth grade. It was a big deal.
My parents— they went to India to visit my grandparents—
so I had to stay with an auntie and uncle.
And, I— this uncle that I was staying with, in Davis, had a Gillette Mach3.
I just picked it up and I went for it and I was clean shaven.
And then when I came back my dad was pissed.
Pavan: My parents were, like, urging me to shave, they were like,
“You look disgusting.”
– Pavan: I’m like– – Really?
How old were you when you shaved?
Pavan: Uh, fourteen. So it was recently, like, this past summer.
So, what did you have? You just had the mustache?
Pavan: Yeah. My sister called it a pedo-stache. She was like,
“It looks like you have a pedo-stache, please shave.”
What do you do if you want to go on a date? What do you do?
– Teji: You don’t. – Jena: I’m not allowed to date.
Preksha: Just tell my mom.
Jena: You crazy?
Sahir: We’re all brown.
Preksha: I just tell my mom.
Sahir: You run it by your parents?
Preksha: I tell my mom everything.
– You tell your mom?! – Pavan: If you say that,
– Preksha: Yeah! – Pavan: they’d be like, “Nah.”
Preksha: she’s like, “Oh, you can have a boyfriend, you can do whatever you want,
you can have fun, but like just don’t be too serious about it.
Like don’t fall in love with somebody or get too deep into it.”
That’s the most Indian thing ever.
Preksha: Right.
If you get attached to someone you love, you won’t be able to study.
Do you think your parents would be cool with interracial dating?
Pavan: Yeah.
Teji: My sister has a white boyfriend.
Whoa. What’s the white boyfriend like?
Teji: He’s nice. I like him. He’s funny.
No. It’s not like– what do your parents think?
Teji: Oh, my parents!
Yeah, I’m sure you’re cool with it!
Of course, we’d all be cool with it.
You’re not like, “He’s the devil. He’s the white devil but it’s okay.”
Teji: I think my parents would be less okay— but he also has as, like,
impressive credentials as my sister does.
My sister goes to Yale Med and he goes to Yale Law.
Oh cool.
Teji: So that’s what I mean by equally impressive.
Pavan: Awesome.
Teji: Yeah, exactly.
Yeah. It’s a match made in heaven.
Teji: Right. Yeah.
So, dating is still not cool.
– Teji: Not until you’re in college. – Preksha: No. My mom still yells at me!
Teji: But once you’ve gotten into college…
Abeer: Not until we’re, like, twenty-three.
Pavan: Your parents say, “Oh, you can date in college. You’ll have fun there.”
We all know that’s not true.
Preksha: What?
What do you mean? Why not?
Pavan: If you’re going to med school, how can you have fun with a relationship?
Jena: Yeah.
Is medicine still the thing?
All: Yeah.
Teji: I’ve been asking a lot of people this, because I’m applying to college,
but like what did you apply for when you were applying to college?
What did I apply for? I applied pre-med and I was an idiot.
Are you nervous?
Teji: A little.
What’s the expectation? Are your parents like, “Ivy or bust?”
Teji: Yeah.
What do your parents want you to do with your life?
Jena: Anything in the medical field, but on the side they said I could do something else,
but I always have to have a back-up plan.
But why does everything–
why do our dreams have to be on the side?
Jena: I don’t know. ‘Cause they’re scared that it’s not going to work out.
Why are you guys snapping?
– Preksha: That’s like saying “yes.” – Suhani: Like poetry.
Suhani: It’s like agreeing.
Teji: Yeah, it’s like agreeing.
Why can’t you just say yes?
Teji: Because then you, like, disrupt the conversation,
but I guess snapping also did that.
Yeah, snapping is pretty rude.
Pavan: I have, like, an older sister, right. They always said, “Oh, she was a ‘test’ child.”
So, like, the eldest was the experiment.
Pavan: Yeah, but the thing is, now she went into this six-year med program.
I’m like, “Oh, the test child did that, what are the ratings for me?
What do I have to do?”
If you could, alright, let’s say, for a day you could make your parents’ expectations disappear,
what would you do?
Jena: Do drugs.
Jena: No, I’m just kidding!
I’m just kidding. I would not.
I knew it!
Jena: Get a boyfriend.
You’d get a boyfriend.
Jena: Go out with my friends.
Okay.
Jena: And then I’d probably, I don’t know, eat meat.
Eat meat?
Jena: Yeah.
Do you for real want a boyfriend?
Jena: Um…
‘Cause I’m just telling you this, just as a boy, we’re—
– Jena: I want to see– – It’s a little overrated.
Jena: I want to see what it’s like.
Like guys are a little like–
If that’s your first wish out the gate, I would put meat up first,
then do drugs,
don’t worry about the—
Jena: Okay.
I’m trying to be a cool 2019 brown parent.
Pavan: Yeah.
So what am I going to do? You guys tell me.
Pavan: No beating.
– Jena: Yeah, no beating. – Pavan: Just don’t do that.
Okay, no hitting.
I know hitting is not...
Jena: Let her hang out with her friends.
What if it’s a boy?
– Suhani: That’s fine. It’s a friend. – Jena: Yeah. Yeah. At your house, though.
You really want me to let my daughter hang out with one of her friends that’s a boy.
You tell me. my daughter’s sixteen. She goes, “Abu, this is my friend Cody.
We’re going to go to the movies. He’s my friend, we’re just going to hang out.”
Jena: Let her go.
Teji: That’s fine!
Jena: Let her go.
– Jena: Put a camera on her. – For real?
– Jena: Track her phone. – So put a camera!
I’m totally fine with that.
Pavan: Don’t do that.
why? Why can’t I spy?
Pavan: You don’t want to stalk your kid, that makes them hate you more.
Preksha: That makes them rebellious.
Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to put a camera on her.
I’m gonna go, “Look it wasn’t me. It was the U.S. government. They survey Muslims.”
Jena: Yeah!
Pavan: My parents gave me like freedom, right? So then that makes me,
like, I don’t hate them. But I see other friends who are like, “Oh, my parents are super strict,
they don’t let me do this, they don’t let me do that,”
then they always just talk crap about their parents behind their back.
That’s beautiful, so your parents trust you.
Pavan: Yeah.
Should they trust you?
Pavan: Yeah. I don’t do anything stupid.
Abeer, what should I do?
What should I do to be a cool dad?
Abeer: Get them an iPad.
Seriously?
What’s one thing that you love to do that your parents just don’t understand?
Abeer: Dancing.
Like, when you start flossing, what does your mom think you’re doing?
Abeer: She just understands Bollywood dancing, to be honest.
What’s one of your favorite Bollywood movies?
Abeer: Teefa in Trouble.
That one’s a good one.
Jena: Dhoom.
Dhoom 1?
Jena: Yeah.
That’s a classic.
Jena: That’s my favorite. Abeer: I watched that.
Sahir: Krrish.
Jena: Oh yeah.
Dude, Krrish sucks!
– Sahir: It’s so good! – Jena: No, it’s so good! I love that one.
Dude, Krrish sucks so, so bad.
Jena: No.
Any non-Desi people watching this,
Krrish was basically Desi E.T. and it was so bad.
Sahir: But like, the special effects were funny.
Yeah, they were funny because they were bad.
Sahir: You can still appreciate that.
Did you like Krrish? Abeer, did you like Krrish?
Abeer: A little bit.
Yeah? Oh my god, Abeer!
Jena: it’s good.
If you could do an episode of Patriot Act, what would you do your episode on?
Teji: I think, like, doing the difference between, like, South Indian and North Indian and things.
Oh, that would be dope.
Pavan: Indian stereotypes.
Like the “Indian Standard Time,” that’s what I get a lot.
Suhani: I feel like a lot of people get, like, they just group India as one.
There’s so many, like, different parts of India, like different cultures,
and different languages. Like, “Do you speak Indian?” “No.” Like which Indian, brother?
There’s so many languages.
Teji: I was walking with two friends, and one of them asked me, like,
“Oh, do you speak Indian?” And then the other girl said, “No, you idiot! She speaks Hindu.”
Jena: They compare you to every single brown person, like, they’re like,
“Are you related to Priyanka Chop-ra?” And they say their names like all messed up, I’m like…
Pavan: Wait, did people ever call you, like, a coconut or anything? Or an Oreo?
Suhani: ABCD?
Teji: Yeah, ABCD.
I’ve been called an ABCD.
Abeer: American-Born Confused Desi.
Do you feel like you’re confused about your identity?
Abeer: Oh, yes, please.
What do you mean?
Jena: Aww.
Abeer, you’re like the most confident person I’ve ever—
Abeer: I’m kidding, I’m kidding.
Abeer, you’re–
Abeer: American-Born Confident Desi.
All: Yeah!
Abeer! Dab on that dude.
This has been super illuminating, uh, and it’s definitely been
one of the craziest afternoons of my life. So thanks.
Abeer: You’re welcome.
Sahir: Thank you.
Jena: You’re welcome.
For real, do you guys watch the show?
All: Yeah.
Do you know the theme song of the show?
All: Yes.
Do the theme song.
Abeer: Okay.
Put it in and then out.
And then the other way.
And then in.
And then you just keep doing that.
How do you switch it out? Like, I’m like, off–
Pavan: your hands have to be parallel the whole time.
Abeer: Yeah, like this.
I can’t do this. I’m bad at this.
Dab is just this?
Abeer: Yeah, like that.
Abeer: Yeah!