Everyone welcome back. Thanks for joining me for another video. If you are new to my channel, my name is Stephanie
I'm a life and relationship coach
If you are a subscriber and you're part of the notification community you guys we have hit a hundred thousand subscribers on this channel
That's such a huge milestone. I'm so excited. I'm so grateful
And so thankful for all of you guys and all of your comments and love and support
So I just wanted to say thank you. We have hit this amazing milestone
So this week I want to talk about something that a lot of people struggle with and it's the hope of your ex coming back
so if you are going through a breakup if you are going through a divorce if you've been
discarded by someone who could possibly be narcissistic
No matter what
the situation is
Going through a breakup is not an easy thing to do and there are many stages that you have to go through
It's definitely a roller coaster of emotions for sure
there's definitely a grieving process that we have to go through but often times there are people
That will struggle with the thought of your ex coming back
So it's this hope that some people have of your ex returning of your ex partner
realizing what they had and saying
You know what?
I realized that you're the one and here I am or
for maybes bad behavior that your ex had and them
changing and becoming the person that you want them to be or the person that they even maybe were in the beginning phase of your
relationship if you're dealing with someone who's narcissistic
So this hope that we have of this person coming back into our lives
It keeps us stuck and most people don't realize that
Replaying these stories over and over again. It keeps them stuck and really prevents them from moving on now like a lot of topics
I talk about on this channel a lot of things in life are not black and white and this is a topic that is in
Black and white just because a relationship ends doesn't mean that you could possibly knock it back together in the future
But the point of me making this is that you learn that when a relationship ends to move on from that
relationship in a healthy way
to possibly grow yourself to allow that person to possibly grow and if at any one time in your lives
You rekindle that flame and get back together, then that's absolutely amazing
you would have both learned and grown from your
Experiences to be the people that you probably needed to be in order to be together and have a healthy relationship
But what ends up happening is most people don't realize that they just keep this
hope alive within them and
There are a couple of steps a couple of tips that I want to give you to really help you to
understand how important it is to move on after a breakup or a
relationship and how this thought of this person coming back is really hurting you now, like I said,
Could you possibly get back together with this person?
Absolutely, but as of right now, is it healthy for you to keep this feeling of hope and faith in this person?
changing
Realizing that they had a great
partner in you giving you the things that you probably need in the relationship and that that person wasn't capable of giving
to live in this hope of
this person changing or being something that they're they're currently not it's such a stuck place to be because you're
basing your life your happiness the relationship that you really want on someone else the truth of the matter is that
No, good relationship. No healthy relationship ends
So the only time a healthy good relationship will end is unfortunately if someone passes away
So when we accept that this relationship that I was in even though there might have been some good stuff
even though I see the potential that this person has this person is not capable of being what you need at this time, or
You're not what this person needs and that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you
It's just perhaps they're not ready for what you want or they're sabotaging
Their relationship themselves because they have their own wounds that they're carrying around and they're projecting those wounds onto you
Accepting that no good relationship ends. I
personally think is a huge stepping stone towards real recovery because you have to know exactly
What you want in a relationship?
And I say this all the time if you don't know what you want and I mean being very clear on the type of partner
that you're looking to attract that you need if you're looking to be with someone long-term or
even for the rest of your life
If you don't know what it is that you need the dynamic between the two of you and it's not easy
no relationship is going to be easy all the time, but it should be very
effortless it should be easy in the sense just like you and someone that you're really good friends with the relationship just flow is very
naturally
Right and you both know how to talk to each other and communicate with each other and you have a healthy relationship
You have an understanding and a respect for each other
That's what you want in a partner and at that past
Relationship didn't give you that and it obviously didn't because it ended then you're lowering your standards
on what it is that you truly want so when you know exactly
What you want and you can be honest with yourself to say is this?
Person or was this person giving me what I need in a relationship?
is this person capable of giving me what I need in a relationship and
Accepting that this person probably is not ever going to be able to give me what I want in a relationship
Perhaps like I said, they have their own wounds. They have their own projections
They have their own stuff that they're carrying around with them that could possibly be
sabotaging a lot of relationships and the two of you are just
Not meant to be I feel like a lot of this hope that people will have where they're replaying
These stories over and over again
well, you know maybe if they got their act together, well, maybe if they kind of
you know realize that I'm a great catch and that they have a good thing and
someday
they'll possibly come back and that we had such a great connection and
they would play these these stories over and over again that keep them stuck in that hope feeling and when you're
Stuck in that that means that you lack
Confidence you lack self-worth you lack self value you lack true true self. Love
Because when you really love yourself you accept people for who they are
You don't take offense and you're not attached to people that are not good for you, you know exactly what you need
It's just like if you want a healthy relationship and I apologize is crazy windy outside my house right now
But if you want a hell the relationship
It's just like you owning a company and and hiring for a job. You have to have a job description
You have to know what you need and you have to be confident and okay
I need this person in this company to help me in this way. It's no different with relationships
You have to know exactly what you need and when you're not getting it from this person
Like I said if they're not equipped if they're not capable they have their own stuff
Whatever it is that you don't stay attached to someone changing or possibly seeing that you're a catch if someone doesn't know
That you're a good person and this is and you add value to a relationship and that you are a catch you
Can't change that in a person. It takes so much work to change ourselves the thought of possibly changing someone else
It's a never-ending battle that you're constantly going to lose because you have no control over
Someone else their healing their process their journey where they're at
You just don't know that so we can love a person
We can have a connection with a person but in order to determine
Whether or not someone is right for you to be in a relationship
That's a totally different thing and I think sometimes people get so mixed up with what we have a great connection
Well, we really love each other
We are friends and there are certain things in the relationship that are really really good and that's amazing, but those things don't
determine
always
Longevity in a relationship. It doesn't determine whether or not you can verbally communicate with each other
It doesn't determine on whether or not someone uses emotional abusive tactics or possibly shut down when things get too difficult or too hard
So it's being with someone and finding a real healthy relationship long-term. There's so many aspects of it
It's not just we have great sex. I'm really attracted to this person. They are my friend. I have good times with them
Those are all you know factors
But what you really need in that relationship is that easiness of the relationship where it just flows?
Naturally, it doesn't mean you don't hit bumps in the road. It just means when you hit those bumps
Like I said, just like someone a family member a sister a brother a friend whenever you hit those bumps with that person
You still know how to manage that bump and and come back to we respect each other. We love each other
We're gonna get through this disagreement this argument
what have you the only difference between
Your relationship with someone that you're best friends with and a partner is just the sexual attraction. That's really it
so you're basically trying to find your best friend and the person that you're obviously attracted to sexually so
When you go out there and you're dating think about that person think about the person in your life
That is an amazing friend to you
You have a great connection and friendship and understanding
Of each other and respect for each other that has allowed you to be friends for 20 years for 10 years for five years
Whatever. The last thing is, you have to stop replaying these stories
So I feel like oftentimes when a breakup happens
We tend to only remember the good times and we don't ever remember the bad times. We don't ever remember the things that
Frustrated us about being in this relationship
or that we felt like we weren't getting from this person that we really wanted and we tend to only
Replay those hopeful positive good times and that's amazing
We should always leave a relationship and remember the good times
But you also need to remember the things that were wrong in the relationship
And I think that that helps you to move on and to accept that this person wasn't right for you
You know a lot of the times when a relationship ends and I hate saying this when there's nothing in sight, you know
It's been a few months a few years and you haven't met anyone and you're not dating anyone
You're not excited about anyone and you're just kind of
Stagnant, right it can be very easy to go back to will that relationship was amazing or that relationship having really good parts
To it. And you start
Justifying again all that bad stuff all that bad behavior or all the things that you wish were really different in that past
Relationship and that's when we start replaying these stories keeping that hope alive
Instead of allowing that relationship to pass and die and move on now
So when there's nothing in sight it sometimes can keep us stuck
And again, we don't need to have a relationship insight
We need to focus on what's going on inside of us that we feel
This need to stay stuck in this past story in this past relationship with a person that's not right for us
Remember the stories that you're playing you have to catch yourself. This is going to be a test of mental toughness
This is going to be the thing that you need to do in order to or you need to practice in order to really move
on is
Recognizing. Ok, what? Am I replaying this story? When am I living in that?
Hope feeling and not facing the reality of what that relationship actually was about
So whenever that hope starts to come up you have to remind yourself of ok what it is. What is it that I want?
What is it that I want? I want a healthy relationship. Ok. How does the healthy relationship? What should it look like?
How should it feel you know?
What are the things in a partner that I really need that I didn't get from this last person?
What were the reasons why this relationship had to end whether I ended it or they ended it and all
Relationships are different how they end so when someone discards you when someone betrays you and someone cheats on you
Those are very different situations then you
Possibly ending the relationship with someone doesn't mean that you ending
The relationship is a is an easy thing to do, especially when you love someone you don't want the relationship to end
But it's all different in terms of how we process this breakup and being discarded
Someone betraying you cheating on you and you living in that. Hope of like, maybe they'll come back
Maybe they'll recognize the mistake that they did again. Both of them it starts with you
You have to really love yourself to say if someone cheats on me, but raise me leaves me
Abandons me. What have you?
That has nothing to do with me and I don't want anyone
That would ever do that to me now
I know that that sentence can seem like the hardest thing in the world to say
especially when you're so in love with someone and you just found out that they're leaving you or that they cheated on you or
Whatever, right? That's a difficult thing to say
But your self-worth is determined by how you view yourself and when you know yourself worth and you know your value, you know
What you deserve you're not oh you're never going to be attached to?
Relationships that are not good for you
So if someone wants to leave as hard as it is and as hard as there's a process now that you're gonna have to go
Through there is grieving. There is anger. There is all these different things. It's not just saying every single day
Okay, I'm gonna move on from this relationship and never think about it again
Absolutely not but in the moments of feeling sad the relationship is over
Even if you're the one ending the relationship in the moments of looking back and replaying those stories of well
There were some good times and starting to justify bad behavior or things that were going on the relationship that you aren't happy about
When you start justifying it just know that's you coming from lack. That's you letting your wounds
dictate the fact that you're gonna stay stuck in the space unless you learn to move on from this in a healthy way and
The only way you can move on to it move on from it in a healthy way is to know what you want
Know what you deserve and strive every single day to get closer to that
That's the person that you want to meet and attract into your life
You don't want to waste any time or energy on a relationship. That is not good for you
Not right for you and life's short and you deserve to be happy. So know what you want in a relationship
know what you deserve work on those two things every single day and
consciously be aware of when you're playing that story over and over again and realize that that story is
Hurting you from attracting the person that you really want into your life
So, I hope that this has helped you guys if you have any comments, please leave them down below
Please leave me any questions. Don't forget to give this video a thumbs up
And if you haven't already don't forget to hit the subscribe button and click on the notification bell. I will see you guys next week