Congratulations on solving that last test!
You solved it...[SLIGHTLY FASTER]...than the slowest cooperative testing duo on record!
This test was designed to measure how well human test subjects could perform with very limited visibility.
The results were conclusive:
Not very well.
Good luck.
Woah! Woahwoahwoahwoah!
Ah, crap...
So, uh... Uheheh... What brings you down here?
'CORE SYSTEMS' INITIALIZING
Uh oh.
RESUMING CORE PRODUCTION
Hello! And welcome to Aperture Science!
In this short film, we'll be taking an exclusive peek behind the science.
At the weird, and often wonderful, personality cores that keep the facility running!
So! Sit back, grab a beverage of your choosing and join me, as we prepare to...
...Meet The Cores!
...Again!
This is the story, of a core, named ST4NL3Y.
ST4NL3Y worked for a company in a large underground facility, where he was personality-construct number 427.
Construct number 427's job was simple: he moved up and down his management-rail, pulling levers on a wall.
Orders came to him from the mainframe; telling him which levers to pull, how long to pull them, and in what order.
This is what construct 427 did, every second, of every day, of every month, of every year.
And although other cores might have considered it a waste of processing power...
...ST4NL3Y relished every moment that the orders came in.
As though he had been made EXACTLY for this job.
And ST4NL3Y was happy.
And then one day, something very peculiar happened.
Something that would forever change ST4NL3Y.
Something he w-
...wait.
Th- the script ends here?!
But you can't open like that and then leave it there! I need to know what happened! The AUDIENCE need to know what happened!
The SUSPENSE! The MYSTERY! What happened to ST4NL3Y?!
...no matter. I'll narrate my own story. With a beginning, middle, AND end. [clears throat]
This is the story, of the Narrator Core.
The Narrator Core sat in front of his microphone reading the script.
The director told him which lines to read, how to read them, and in what order.
Suddenly, the narrator became aware of the limited time...
...and noticed that the screen was slowly fading to bl-
No! No!
No, no! Wait! Wait!
So! Last time we spoke, you were about to tell us EXACTLY what it is you actually do here.
I was? ...oh, Y- yes! Yes I was!
Uh, well, I've actually been pondering that query for exactly: 181 days...
4,367 hours...
262,055 minutes...
...and 1.527 billion seconds...
...and I finally have what I would like to describe as a most accurate description of my vocation for you.
And...that iiiiiis?
I'm a role model.
A role model.
Yes, yes! I'd consider myself like a... a 'wayward beacon'!
Towards which other cores may only aspire to reach.
A giant glowing star! A... a goal in life!
So.... a role-model for WHAT exactly?
Well...th- that one's obvious really, when you think about it. I'm a role-model for....err...umm...
Uh...erm...hmmm...
I'll get back to you on that one.
Alright you maggots! You are here for one reason!
And one reason only!
To become the ruthless killing machines you were designed to be!
Now! When I say "fire", you will fire!
...when I say "fire"-
Holy Johnson.
You can actually follow orders!
Um, Sergeant?
What is it Private?!
I don't think I can kill anyone...
Well...looky here boys! We got ourselves a pansy!
And guess what?
We don't like pansies.
Take 'em away!
Noooooo!
Now...anyone else got any issues they'd like to bring up?!
SIR NO SIR!
[laughs]
What is your major malfunction gearbag?!
You got a problem you'd like to share with us, Private?!
Uh, no sir! No I do not!
What is your serial number, Private?!
T-86772601, sir!
Well Private T-86772601...
...I suggest you find yourself a chassis and fall back in line!
SIR YES SIR!
Oh dear sweet baby Caroline!
Is this some kinda sick joke?!
You're not even a turret!
Yes I am!
Where are your guns?!
Carry on soldier!
Since the previous supervisor went missing, I've been put in charge of maintaining the relaxation vaults...
...and the, uh, humans. Hahaha...ah...seriously though he really didn't leave me much to 'maintain'.
He REALLY did a good job.
...killed all of them.
Hmm. I've always wondered what was in the fridges...
Not going to lie; I expected cake.
So - so what you're seeing behind me is - is a trial run for a new series of tests. Heh.
It was one of GLaDOS's old ideas that... never saw the light of day. Heh heh.
Any reason in particular?
Well there were reasons. Heh heh, sure, yeah, lots of reasons. Heh heh...
Animal welfare, among other things. *Tearing up* ....reasons...
What's it about?
Ah! Well, well, you see, it involves filling chambers with water and...
Oh, there - there he goes. Hah you get the idea! Heh heh heh. Whew.
Well. That's.... um... terrifying...
Heh, terrifyingly awesome! Heh heh!
Heh heh heh, sharks! Sharks!
Oooh, if only Space Core was here to see this...
I miss that guy.
Gee-whiz, do I love testing! Oh boy, tests! Ah-hah!
Tests with sharks! Tests with lasers! Tests with lasers on the sharks!
Ohhhhh yes! Hah hah!
Beyond this door, in the deepest, darkest depths of the ancient Aperture facility,
lies the oldest, wisest core in existence.
The all-seeing eye. The omnipresent Omnisphere.
Ahem.
Who dares to wake me from my slumber?
Please forgive me, oh Wise One.
What is it that you seek?
I... uh... Don't have a question. I just wanted to meet you.
Then I do not have an answer, and I must return to my rest.
Oh, actually, I do have a question.
Very well. Ask, my child. And I shall do ALL that is within my power to answer.
Where is the nearest exit?
The way I came in was very slow.
Seriously?
I have been contemplating the very meaning of existence for centuries.
Universes have been simulated and collapsed within my own matrices.
And you want to know where the nearest exit is?
Yeah.
Well... You know what? I'm not going to tell you.
Not until you at least ask me something challenging, something worthy of my vast intellect.
Like what, exactly?
I don't know, what is your destiny? How are you going to die? What's the meaning of life?
Is the number 3 a myth?
Something big!
Challenge me, you insufferable little fool!
But I'm the Fact Core. I already know everything there is to know.
Hahahahahahahahaha!!!
How on Earth can something as puny as yourself contain all the knowledge of the infinite-
finite - finite - finite...
finite...
Um... Large solid-state drives?
They don't make us like they used to, clearly.
Oh, oh, oh I do have a question!
Urgh, go on then, get it over with.
Humor me, what is it?
Is the cake really a lie?
GET OUT!!!!!
But you didn't tell me where the exit is!
URGH... It's over there! The bloody door marked with the bloody exit sign!
Oh. Thanks.
Leave me! Pathetic creature!
I am utterly wasted on this planet.
Excuse me.
Would you be willing to answer a few simple questions?
Hello, is it me you're looking for?
Umm...
You can hear it in my voice that I am the Music Core...
Woah! Hold up! Hold up!
Okay! I think we are breaching some kind of copyright law right now.
*Beep*
This is a security announcement.
Please do not leave companion cubes unattended, anywhere within the testing facility.
Unattended cubes will be removed and may be incinerated.
Thank you for your time.
You have a beautiful day now.
*Beep*
I love my job.
My name's Chuck.
I'm the law 'round these parts.
It's my job to keep undesirables and unauthorized cores out of places they ain't supposed to be in.
How exactly do you enforce these laws?
I...got my methods.
*Preparing zapper gun sound*
*Zapper gun sound*
I see.
Yeah!
...I'm telling you man...
...you simply LOOK at Her funny,
...and you're going straight to Android hell.
I've even heard rumors..
that She banished a couple of cores to space once.
Hehehe!
Hey, hey, hey hey hey hey hey!
You know what we need more of?
Let's me guess... Space?
Space!
URGH For the love of-
It's true!
I was there!
Hey there guys,
I- I- I couldn't help
overhearing your conversation about Her.
I- I thought I'd weigh in a little bit.
Because, you know I actually dated her once?
And she's not quite what you'd expect.
(Laughter)
Stop laughing!
Ah... Thanks, I haven't laughed like that for a while.
I-it-it's true!
That does not sound like a fact.
(Stuttering) N-no, it's true!
Oh yes, those were the days!
We were having the most wonderful time...
So, what happened?
Eh...I-I don't like to think about it too much but I told her it couldn't work out between us...
...I mean...
She IS one of the most fascinating cores in the facility...
But she couldn't live up to my exacting standards.
She just couldn't handle my perfection!
I tried to ignore it, but she just simply wasn't good enough.
She wanted me back of course, as they always do...
But... for some reason, she ended up giving me the silent treatment, and I didn't hear from her for months!
[Birds, crickets, and nature sounds]
A part of me actually misses her, you know?
Perhaps one day I will give her another shot!
*Heavy breathing sounds*
What's with the mask?
For some reason...
...a human decided it would be good idea...to..make a core that required oxygen to function.
And I've nearly...used up the oxygen supply...
Just another core in the endless production cycle.
[Depraved laughter]
Can you take off the mask?
It would be extremely painful.....
...for me..
It was surgically grafted to my hull.
I cant understand...a word you're saying.
Strange.
I get that a lot..
Hello.
I'm Aperture Science's resident Humor Core.
I'm SUPER excited, all the time!
Now.
What do you get when you mix an Aperture Science Personality Sphere with a Macintosh?
Uh...
I have NO idea.
An apple core! [crazy laughter]
Fact. That joke is... awful.
eheh... heh.. it's the only one I know.
...I'm a humor core...
...without any humor...
Please help me.
*Banging sounds*
Welcome to the repair wing!
I'm Virgil, the Maintenance Core.
When I'm not busy fixing chambers, I'm down here, repairing the other bots.
This guy right here is a..
...uh...
...regular... customer.
Affectionately known as... "Glitchy"
Uh.. do I have to ask why he's called that?
Ehh, let's just say he has a..
..habit..
..of...
...breaking.
Sooo, what seems to be the problem today?
Well... I wanted to see if my true purpose was to fly.
Aaand..
That didn't work out too well.
*Bang sound*
Still searching, huh?
I'm so close.. I.. I know it.
So you.. CAN fix my eye, right?
heh.
Sure, that's easy, even a core with rudimentary understanding
of advanced electromechanical engineering can do it.
OOOOOH.
Good.
W-
Will this hurt?
Nope.
I just disabled your pain simulation protocols.
Great.
Now.. just hold still...
...and it'll all be over...
...before you know it.
Oh!
Oof!
Oh.
That tingles.
Huh.
Wow.
That really was painless!
Thanks, Virgil!
Oh..
There goes my handle again.
*Explosion*
...he does that a lot!
We have a patent on lava!
Seriously!
You're comin' with me kid, I got a Material Emancipation Grill with your name on it.
You are aware that the test subjects are...basically vegetables themselves at this point?
Yes sir! We've got gels to make you high! We've got gel to make you fly!
Mhmmhello there, mmGorgeous.~
It's true!
I was there!
Oh, hey guys, I-I couldn't help overhearing your conversation, I thought I der- I dro- oh..
Yes-yes! A wayward beacon as it were.. uh-th-that others call.. bleh..
Yes-Yes! Exactly! I wou- I-I would consider myself a 'wayward beacon'
What was it? That he says again? (mumbling)
What is your.. what is... (laughter) (Cough, cough.)
Ooooh..
This kills the throat!
Ehhh..I've lost the voice..ahaha..
Mwehehehe..
I kinda sound like the Soldier. [Team Fortress 2]
"And from that day forward, any time a bunch of animals are together in one place, it's called a 'zoo'!"
Ooorah!
You know, it's such a delight to be asked back to "Meet The Cores 2", I mean..
it was so long ago that I did, uh, part 1
A-and.. uhm..
I'm surprised Harry101UK managed to pull his finger out to actually DO this one after so many years...
Unattended cubes may be removed... and will be..
..no, they WILL be removed...and they MAY be incinerated... god dang.
This is a secur- oh my GOD, Cowboy, where is that coming from?
Very well.
Ask your question my child, and I shall do ALL that is [unintelligible]...
I am not going to tell you..
...uh, not until- ueefggbe, bleh, bluh...
Beyo- [throat clearance]
Beyond this door..
in the deeke-... erm..
Beyond this door..
In the deepest, darkest deps..
..deps..
..de...
Man,
since that previous supervisor went missing..
I've been put in charge...
Whoops.
Heheheh.
Nope.
I just disabled your pain simulation pro..
[spits and stumbles]
I just disabled your pain simulation protoco.. goddamnit..!
heh, 'PROTOCOLS'.
'PROTO'-'COLS'
I just disabled your pain simulation procoto...
[nervous laughter]
S-So, can you f..
So, you CAN fix my right eye?..oh. Heh..
Ooh, that tingles... oh! Oh, that tingles! Oh! Oh, that ting- ooooh that tingles....
[awkward laughter]
Oh, this voice is a strain on the larynx, but..GEE-WHIZ IS IT FUN!
Oh, it's like Gonzo had a baby with Joe Pasquale!
I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS, OH GO- I DOn't have any legs. Haha.