In 1989, the same year that Taylor Swift was born, the world met an even doe-ier eyed girl
whose songs got even MORE stuck in your head.
The Little Mermaid.
Travel under the sea to the whimsically fascist kingdom of
Atlantica, where some fish are allowed to swim free,
while others are forced to drag the ruling class around in
their chariots
Or use their own bodies as instruments.
And meet Ariel, a half naked 15 year old and confirmed hoarder.
Follow along on her literal fish-out-of-water story,
as she falls in love with the human Prince Eric
because he's...
hot.
"Ohhhh, he's very handsome, isn't he?"
"He's so beautiful."
The only thing swimming in their way is the most clearly evil
villain in the Disney pantheon:
Ursula.
"The sea witch?"
"No! She's a demon!"
An old witch who keeps the tortured souls of her victims in her front yard,
eats seafood,
and hates Ariel's whole family.
But none of that will stop Ariel from trading away her voice for a pair of legs and a 72
hour time limit to french a stranger.
"He is quite a catch, isn't he?"
Get swept up in a fantastical romance where love conquers all
If by love, you mean acting like a clueless mute brat so an older guy will make out with
you.
And enjoy the vintage Disney classic with an equally vintage message for today's young
girls:
Look pretty.
"You gotta look your best."
"You look wonderful."
"But without my voice, how can I--"
"You'll have your looks!"
Surround yourself with friends who are dumber and fatter than you,
abandon your family to marry a guy you just met,
and if you're not happy with the contract you signed without even reading...
get your fiance to murder the person who outsmarted you.
So strap on your fins for the musical you can't help but sing
along to.
Featuring songs like...
The Dumb Mermaid Song
"I'm a dumb mermaid who doesn't know sh*t."
"Don't know what this is, or that is either."
The Obligatory Villain song
"These boring bad guy songs..."
"So bland."
"So blah."
"But to move the plot along, the villain has to have a song."
"But in the soundtrack it gets skipped."
The Shouldn't You Ask For Consent First? Song
"Sing with me now."
"Sha la la la la go for it dude."
"Her fish friends set the mood for you to pork the girl."
"Sha la la la why not raise the stakes?"
"The carpet match the drapes? Go on and pork the girl."
The Traumatize Your Kids Song
"Killing fish, killing fish, yes we show children this."
"Even though the heroes are all fish."
"Like if they made sushi of Nemo and Dory,"
"You'd have something as messed up as this."
And The One We're About To Get Stuck In Your Head
"It's so catchy!"
"There's no escapin', it's so amazin' and catchy!"
"You'll never get it out of your head."
"You'll sing the words until you are dead."
"Even when you sleep, it plays on repeat."
"It's so catchy!"
"So what? The message is kinda sexist."
"Girls don't need brain cells, just big ole seashells."
"Also don't be fat, but you'll ignore that"
"Cause it's catchy!"
Starring...
She Swells Sea Shells
White Aladdin
Inky Minaj
Phish
The Closest Thing This Movie Has To A Black Person
Jacked Gandalf
and Whining Nemo
The Little Waistline
This movie would have played out WAY differently if her top
half was a fish instead.