>> Stephen: HEY EVERYBODY! WELCOME ONE AND ALL.
TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
GLAD EVERYWHEREY'S HERE, TOO.
YESTERDAY WAS ANOTHER GRIM DAY FOR AMERICA WHEN A GUNMAN WALKED
INTO A BOULDER, COLORADO, SUPERMARKET AND KILLED TEN
PEOPLE, INCLUDING A POLICE OFFICER.
IT'S UNSPEAKABLY TRAGIC, AND I CANNOT IMAGINE FOR A MOMENT THE
GRIEF OF THESE FAMILIES AND THIS COMMUNITY CAN BE APPROACHED
WITH WORDS ALONE.
THE ONLY SUITABLE WAY TO HONOR THESE VICTIMS IS WITH ACTION.
BUT OUR GOVERNMENT CONTINUES TO DO NOTHING.
NOW, DUE, APPARENTLY, TO PANDEMIC SHUTDOWNS, IT HAD BEEN
A YEAR SINCE THERE HAD BEEN A LARGE-SCALE SHOOTING IN A PUBLIC
PLACE.
NOW WE'VE HAD TWO IN A WEEK: BOULDER AND ATLANTA.
EVIDENTLY, THE ONLY SOLUTION FOR AMERICA'S GUN VIOLENCE IS
PUTTING ALL OF US UNDER HOUSE ARREST.
THE RESPONSES FROM GUN APOLOGISTS HAVE BEEN
PREDICTABLE.
THE COLORADO STATE SHOOTING ASSOCIATION RELEASED THIS
STATEMENT: "THERE WILL BE A TIME FOR THE
DEBATE ON GUN LAWS.
THERE WILL BE A TIME FOR A CONVERSATION ON HOW THIS COULD
HAVE BEEN PREVENTED.
BUT TODAY IS NOT THE TIME."
WHY NOT?
THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY EVERY TIME THIS HAPPENS, AND THAT'S WHAT I
SAY ABOUT WHAT THEY SAY EVERY TIME THEY SAY IT EVERY TIME IT
HAPPENS.
EVEN THE IDEA OF BEING IN A "GROUNDHOG DAY" SITUATION IS
ITSELF A "GROUNDHOG DAY" SITUATION.
REMEMBER, EINSTEIN SAID, "THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY IS DOING
THE SAME THING AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS.
ALSO, SAME DAY GUN PURCHASES.
WHOSE STUPID IDEA WAS THAT?
THANKS 'EINSTEIN.'" ANOTHER GUN FETISHIST WEIGHING
IN ON THE TRAGEDY IS COLORADO REPRESENTATIVE AND H.R.
SUPERVISOR FOR JOHN WICK, LAUREN BOEBERT.
LAST NIGHT, BOEBERT TWEETED, "WHILE WE ARE STILL AWAITING
IMPORTANT INFORMATION AND DETAILS IN THIS CASE, RANDOM
PUBLIC SHOOTINGS AND SENSELESS ACTS OF VIOLENCE ARE NEVER
OKAY."
WHERE DOES SHE FIND THE COURAGE?
"SENSELESS ACTS OF VIOLENCE ARE NEVER OKAY," IMPLYING, OF
COURSE, THAT INTENTIONAL VIOLENCE IS FINE.
YOU KNOW, THE KIND HER BUDDIES PLAN ON PARLER.
OH, SPEAKING OF CAPITOL HILL, THERE WAS A SENATE HEARING ON
GUN VIOLENCE ALREADY SCHEDULED FOR TODAY, AND REPUBLICANS KNOW
THE MAJORITY OF VOTERS WANT SOME FORM OF GUN CONTROL.
SO THEY IMMEDIATELY TRIED TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
CASE IN POINT, LOUISIANA SENATOR JOHN KENNEDY, WHO
OFFERED THIS DOLLOP OF DISTRACTION:
>> I DO THINK WE OUGHT TO KEEP THIS IN PERSPECTIVE.
WHAT HAS HAPPENED IN THE LAST FEW DAYS, IN THE LAST YEARS IS,
OF COURSE, TRAGIC.
AND I'M NOT-- I'M NOT TRYING TO PERFECTLY EQUATE THESE TWO, BUT
WE HAVE A LOT OF DRUNK DRIVERS IN AMERICA THAT KILL A LOT OF
PEOPLE.
WE OUGHT TO TRY TO COMBAT THAT TOO.
>> STEPHEN: I'LL TAKE THAT DEAL!
LET'S REGULATE GUNS THE WAY WE REGULATE ALCOHOL AND CARS!
GOT TO BE 21, GOT TO PASS A TEST TO GET A LICENSE, GOT TO HAVE A
REGISTRATION AND INSURANCE.
IF YOU MOVE TO A NEW STATE, YOU GOT TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN, AND
YOU CAN'T GO OUT LOADED.
LATER, SENATOR KENNEDY SPUN A DIFFERENT LINE OF FOLKSY B.S.
>> I DON'T BELIEVE WE HAVE A GUN CONTROL PROBLEM IN AMERICA.
I BELIEVE WE HAVE AN IDIOT CONTROL PROBLEM.
>> Stephen: OH, WE DEFINITELY HAVE AN IDIOT CONTROL PROBLEM.
IT'S PEOPLE WHO DON'T RECOGNIZE THAT THIS COUNTRY HAS LONG HAD A
GUN PROBLEM, "JOHN KENNEDY."
SO, WHEN IDIOTS LIKE JOHN KENNEDY REFUSE TO DO ANYTHING
ABOUT GETTING RID OF IDIOTS' GUNS, IT'S CLEARLY TIME TO GET
RID OF JOHN KENNEDY.
AND THAT MEANS VOTING THEM OUT.
OF COURSE, A LOT OF OTHER IDIOTS OUT THERE HAVE TRIED TO
UNDERMINE YOUR FAITH IN VOTING, LIKE THE EX-PRESIDENT'S
EX-LAWYER AND "HUNGER GAMES" SOCCER MOM, SIDNEY POWELL.
AFTER BIDEN WON THE ELECTION, POWELL WENT AROUND LYING THAT
DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS, A COMPANY THAT MAKES ELECTION
EQUIPMENT, WORKED WITH DEMOCRATS TO RIG ITS MACHINES TO ENSURE A
WIN FOR JOE.
IN RESPONSE, DOMINION FILED A $1.3 BILLION DEFAMATION LAWSUIT
AGAINST HER.
BILLION-DOLLAR.
THAT'S NOT GOOD.
AS THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S LAWYER, HER STRONG SUIT IS
CLEARLY NOT "WINNING IN COURT."
BUT POWELL IS DEFENDING HERSELF, IN THE DUMBEST WAY POSSIBLE,
ARGUING THAT HER LAWSUIT SHOULD BE TOSSED BECAUSE "NO
REASONABLE PERSON" WOULD BELIEVE HER CLAIMS.
IN A WAY, SHE'S RIGHT.
NO REASONABLE PERSON COULD HAVE BELIEVED HER ELECTION-RIGGING
NONSENSE.
WHICH IS WHY SHE SPENT SO MUCH TIME WITH NO REASONABLE PERSON.
TO GET OUT OF PAYING A BILLION DOLLARS, POWELL'S LAWYERS HAVE
ALSO CLAIMED THAT HER CONSPIRACY RANTS WERE JUST "OPINIONS AND
LEGAL THEORIES" AND NOT STATEMENTS THAT THE PUBLIC WOULD
IMMEDIATELY BELIEVE.
YES, I REMEMBER THEM NOT BELIEVING YOU.
WHAT WERE THEY CHANTING ON JANUARY 6?
>> SIDNEY POWELL'S THEORIES!
ARE WORTH INVESTIGATING!
NOT THAT WE TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY!
ON AN UNRELATED NOTE!
HANG MIKE PENCE!
>> STEPHEN: SPEAKING OF PEOPLE UNDERMINING DEMOCRACY,
POSTMASTER GENERAL AND BAD GUY IN A KIDS MOVIE THREATENING TO
TURN THE SKATE PARK INTO A CAR DEALERSHIP, LOUIS DEJOY.
EVER SINCE BEING CHOSEN TO HEAD THE POSTAL SERVICE, DEJOY HAS
CHOSEN TO DESTROY THE POSTAL SERVICE.
DURING THE PAST ELECTION CYCLE, DEJOY, WHO IS AN ALLY OF THE
FORMER PRESIDENT, MADE CHANGES TO THE POSTAL SERVICE THAT MADE
IT A LOT HARDER TO DO MAIL-IN VOTING.
IT WAS SO EGREGIOUS THAT, JUST BEFORE THE ELECTION, A FEDERAL
JUDGE BLOCKED HIS POLICY CHANGES, CALLING THEM "VOTER
DISENFRANCHISEMENT," BECAUSE OF HOW BADLY DEJOY HAD SLOWED MAIL
DELIVERY.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE DOING A BAD JOB WHEN YOU MANAGE TO SLOW
SOMETHING WE ALREADY CALL SNAIL MAIL.
UNFORTUNATELY, WE'RE KIND OF STUCK WITH THIS GUY.
PRESIDENT BIDEN CAN'T JUST FIRE HIM, BECAUSE HE'S NOT
TECHNICALLY A POLITICAL APPOINTEE.
AND DEJOY HAS NO PLANS TO MAIL HIMSELF A PINK SLIP, AS HE
RECENTLY TOLD CONGRESS: >> HOW MUCH LONGER ARE YOU
PLANNING TO STAY?
>> A LONG TIME.
GET USED TO ME.
>> STEPHEN: SO, HE'S BASICALLY LIKE HERPES THAT LOSES YOUR
PACKAGES.
AND OUR POSTAL SYSTEM COULD GET WORSE.
IN FACT, DEJOY HAS UNVEILED A TEN-YEAR PLAN THAT INCLUDES
HIGHER POSTAGE RATES, SLOWER SERVICES AND REDUCED POST OFFICE
HOURS.
THOUGH HE HAS INTRODUCED ONE-DAY PACKAGE DELIVERY, IN THAT YOUR
PACKAGE WILL BE DELIVERED "ONE DAY."
SWITCHING TO LIGHTER NEWS, THE GLOBAL PANDEMIC. ACCORDING
TO A NEW STUDY, SINCE THE CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN BEGAN,
AMERICANS HAVE GAINED AN AVERAGE OF NEARLY TWO POUNDS A MONTH.
AND ONE COMPANY THAT ISN'T HELPING IS KRISPY KREME, BECAUSE
THEY JUST ANNOUNCED THAT, IN ORDER TO ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO GET
THEIR COVID SHOTS, THEY WILL BE GIVING FREE DOUGHNUTS TO ANYONE
WITH PROOF OF VACCINATION.
THIS OFFER PERFECTLY SUMS UP AMERICANS' PRIORITIES.
"LIFE-SAVING MEDICINE?
WAIT, THERE ARE DONUTS?
OUT OF THE WAY, GRANDPA!
I HAVE A PREEXISTING CONDITION OF NOT HAVING A DONUT IN MY
MOUTH!" I COULD GO FOR ONE.
OH, GOD, YES.
>> YOU HAVE TO HAVE COFFEE.
>> Stephen: I'LL HAVE YOURS THEN.
KRISPY KREME SAYS THAT FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR, VACCINATED
INDIVIDUALS CAN GO BACK EVERY SINGLE DAY AND CONTINUE GETTING
FREE DOUGHNUTS.
THERE'S THE INEQUITY INHERENT IN OUR SYSTEM.
OUR SOCIETY IS NOW BROKEN UP INTO TWO GROUPS: UNVACCINATED
PEOPLE HIDING IN THEIR HOMES FOR FEAR OF INFECTING THE ELDERLY,
AND INVINCIBLE GODS, BESTRIDING THE WORLD WITH UNLIMITED FRIED
DOUGH.
WHILE WE'RE ON BREAKFAST, I'VE -- DONUTS FOR BREAKFAST, RIGHT?
OH, ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: NOW WE'RE ON SOME BAD NEWS, UNFORTUNATELY, FOR
SUGARY CEREAL LOVERS THIS WEEK, BECAUSE
A TWITTER USER REVEALED THAT HE FOUND SHRIMP TAILS IN HIS
CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH.
HOW COULD ANY PART OF A SHRIMP GET MIXED UP WITH CINNAMON TOAST
CRUNCH?
DID I MISS A SEASON OF "DEADLIEST CATCH?"
FIRST OF ALL, SHRIMP TAILS DO NOT BELONG IN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
SECOND OF ALL, SHRIMP TAILS DO NOT BELONG ON SHRIMP.
THEY ARE HARD, THEY'RE SHARP, AND THEY DO NOT TASTE GOOD.
I DON'T WANT THEM IN MY PASTA DISH ANYMORE THAN I WANT HOOVES
ON MY BURGER.
CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH DENIES PUTTING SHRIMP TAILS INTO THEIR
PRODUCT, EXPLAINING, "AFTER FURTHER INVESTIGATION WITH OUR
TEAM THAT CLOSELY EXAMINED THE IMAGE, IT APPEARS TO BE AN
ACCUMULATION OF THE CINNAMON SUGAR THAT SOMETIMES CAN OCCUR
WHEN INGREDIENTS AREN'T THOROUGHLY BLENDED.
WE ASSURE YOU THAT THERE'S NO POSSIBILITY OF CROSS
CONTAMINATION WITH SHRIMP."
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, C.T.C.?
THOSE ARE CLEARLY SHRIMP TAILS!
THIS IS LIKE THE LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN SAYING:
(IRISH ACCENT) "AFTER FURTHER INVESTIGATION,
WE'VE DETERMINED ME LUCKY CHARMS DO NOT CONTAIN MOONS, STARS AND
CLOVERS.
LOTS OF SHRIMP, THOUGH."
THEN, THIS AFTERNOON, CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH DOUBLED DOWN ON
THEIR DENIAL, TWEETING, "WHILE WE ARE STILL INVESTIGATING THIS
MATTER, WE CAN SAY WITH CONFIDENCE THAT THIS DID NOT
OCCUR AT OUR FACILITY.
WE ARE WAITING FOR THE CONSUMER TO SEND US THE PACKAGE TO
INVESTIGATE FURTHER."
YES, THEY NEED THE CONSUMER TO SEND IN THE PACKAGE SO THEIR
EXPERTS CAN ANALYZE IT IN THEIR C.S.I. LAB, WHICH OF COURSE
STANDS FOR CEREAL SHRIMP INVESTIGATION.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
I'LL BE TALKING TO DANA CARVEY ♪♪♪