-Pelotaunt has all the upgraded features
that keep you moving out of spite,
features like gaslighting you about how far you've gone...
-Hey, it says I did four rides, but I did five.
-No, I think you did four. It's a computer.
♪♪
-Okay, Peloton, let's go!
-Only Peloton delivers 24/7 nonstop motivation
from world-class instructors right in your home.
-You smashed it.
-But what if you're the kind of person
who doesn't respond to encouragement?
-You did this.
-If I hear the phrase, "You can do it," I literally won't,
just to prove a point.
-If anyone yells that I can do one more,
I will immediately get off this thing, unplug it, and go smoke.
-I cannot be cheerleaded. I know myself.
-For those people, we introduce Pelotaunt,
the only exercise bike that provides you with personalized,
at-home negative reinforcement and relentless criticism.
-Ready to do this? -No.
-I don't give a [bleep] I get paid either way.
-Hey, I-I guess I could do a little bit.
Look.
Come back.
-Using patented passive aggression,
each Pelotaunt instructor will pull from a toolkit
of emotional manipulation styles guaranteed to get
even the laziest cyclist moving,
techniques such as snotty disdain...
-Really nice big T-shirt.
Do you wear that to swim? -No.
-Well, thanks for wearing it here.
-[ Exhales sharply ]
-...insincere praise...
-Okay, Susan, I know you just had a baby,
so go at your own pace.
-What? I-I didn't have a baby.
-Oh. Are you sure you didn't?
-Yeah. -Oh, okay.
Well, maybe one day.
-...and avoidant attachment style that will put you
in a state of complete codependence.
-Well, I know that, but I was trying to figure out
what to do with that. -Uh, should I go up a level?
-I think she's just a lost cause.
-If you want to talk to me, I'm right here.
Look, look at me, guys.
I'm doing it.
-No corny inspirational speeches here.
Just withering judgment sure to get your heart pumping
and your brain thinking, "Am I bad?"
-Let's give it up for Mike, who's working out in his garage.
-Oh, uh, no, uh, this is my living room.
-What? -I feel mentally broken down,
but, hey, I can see my abs.
-I hate exercise, but I hate Sarah more.
-This is you. You're like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa."
-Pelotaunt has all the upgraded features that keep you
moving out of spite, features like gaslighting you
about how far you've gone...
-Hey, it says I did four rides, but I did five.
-No, I think you did four. It's a computer.
-...live video of your own ass
from behind with an exaggerated fisheye lens...
-Oh, God, is that mine?
-A constant picture-in-picture of an elderly woman
who's like 1,000 times better than you...
-Is there a way to turn her off?
She's kicking my ass. -...a humiliating soundtrack
that will make you feel stupid.
[ "Curb Your Enthusiasm" theme plays ]
-And stop.
-[ Exhales sharply ]
-That was good. -It was?
[ Crying ]
-Pelotaunt. Also available in "Mom."
-Well, this was a dumb thing to buy.
Great job, Mike.
-Welcome, welcome.
My name is Phoenix, as in the University of.
Soulcycle's closed right now,
so we put together this livestream with the trainer fam.
We may not have bikes, but that won't stop us
from charging you to watch us work out.
Let's go!
-What up, what up, Soulcycle computer?
They call me Lee, short for Harvey Oswald.
It's crazy to think that people could be watching this
anywhere from Los Angeles to California.
I've been hearing a lot about squatters -- right? --
so let's get 'em!
I always try to keep a positive attitude.
I moved to New York two days before quarantine.
Shout-out to my roommate, who catfished me.
He ain't no leggy blonde,
but it's his personality I fell in love with.
Let's go!
-My name is Korona with a "K."
I'm always overcoming adversity.
When I was little, they told me
I was pretty enough to act but not model!
So I joined TikTok, where I do neither.
Let's go!
-I am Toyota,
and I hear a lot of people talking about antibodies.
I am pro-body!
Quarantine, day two, let's go! Whoo!
-I am Robert, like Julia Robert.
And I'm good vibes only.
Who do I stay home for?
Me, because I'm quarantined and on house arrest.
Two birds. Let's go.
-What's up? I'm Molly.
Sorry, I'm on Molly.
I'm not gonna get COVID-19, 'cause I'm 22.
Liberate Michigan! Let's go!
Ooh, it's burning now.
-This pandemic has affected everyone.
Coachella -- canceled.
South by Southwest -- canceled.
Bill Cosby -- canceled.
How dare?!
We need doctors right now.
Let's push!
-Commit to what you start!
I'm finishing "Ozark." Let's go!
-I'm on a juice cleanse right now -- Clorox juice.
Eat clean!
-This one's called the bow and arrow.
It's gonna go way back.
Oh! Ow!
-My mantra?
"Eat, pray, pray."
That's right. I'm hot and religious.
It's a trap.
Let's go!
-Just because we're in quarantine doesn't mean
we can't connect, meet up, go to the beach, hug, touch,
kiss an old guy on the mouth at the mall!
Let's go!
-I just got word that our positive attitudes
and good bodies cured coronavirus!
[ Cellphone chirps ] Oh, wait.
Oh, no, no.
Uh, sorry.
Ruth's Chris Steak House is delivering!
Oh!
-Oh, hello.
I'm Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg,
and I wanted to say a heartfelt hello
to everyone who's stuck inside.
I want to show you some exercises you can do
while you're in there to stay, you know, fit and healthy.
So, today we're gonna be working
all the major muscle groups of the body.
We got the abs, gams, tuchus, chicken wings,
and, uh, critical thinking.
So, let's go.
All you really need for a good at-home workout
is a jump rope and some weights.
You got to remember to start by cleaning your equipment
with one of these Lysol wipes.
I'm tiny, they're big. What are you gonna do?
And these are my punching bags, Kavanaugh and Gorsuch.
Alright, let's go.
Got to work out.
Don't want to gain the quarantine 15 ounces.
And you got to eat healthy to stay healthy.
Every day, I eat a half a chicken.
Sorry. Chickpea.
Half a chickpea.
You got to pee a little bit every time you move.
That's normal.
That's good. That's the burn.
Social distancing is important.
Take it from me, I've been social distancing
from Justice Alito since '03.
And that's a Gins-burn.
[ Mid-tempo hip-hop music plays ]
♪♪
I'm very tough.
I'm 87 years old.
[ Breathing heavily ] I survived cancer four times.
I went to law school during the Spanish flu.
Beat it. That's my trainer.
If I mess up, he eats me.
Scary guy.
[ Panther roar ]
If you're wondering, I'm not using this time to relax.
I'm actually training for the 2021 Olympics.
I'm gonna do mental gymnastics to figure out
why they cut the pandemic response team in 2018.
Hey. Gins-burn.
♪♪
So, for these, I like to push myself
with something really heavy.
[ Breathing heavily ]
[ Grunts ]
You got to get fit to post your thirst traps.
I hope I crush these.
Dr. Fauci, answer my DMs. [ Cellphone chimes ]
And that's a slow burn.
[ Sultry jazz plays ]
♪♪
[ Rubber stretching ]
Whew.
Got to cool down now and stretch out with my foam roller.
It's a piece of mostaccioli.
Apparently, the virus came from a sick bat,
which makes me wonder, what was Giuliani doing in China?
Mitch McConnell said that the administration
didn't focus on the virus
because they were too distracted by impeachment.
I mean, are you in Congress or Parliament?
'Cause your timeline is funkadelic.
Funk me.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
♪♪
Anyway, thanks for tuning in.
And remember, stay healthy.
All you need to do is one push-up.
A push-up is when you think,
"Hey, it's been two weeks, maybe I'll put on a bra."
And that's a self-Gins-burn.
Drop the beat.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
♪♪
-I'm Desiree, and this is Body Fuzion.
Do you wanna meet my friends?
-Donna. -Michelle.
-Donna. -Let's begin.
This is a low-impact level-one workout.
But just because it's low-impact,
doesn't mean you won't get...
high results.
Our first exercise is called the step.
Step left, step right.
Left, right.
-Whoo! -Left, right.
If this is not challenging enough,
watch Michelle show you the advanced style.
Left, right.
Left.
Or, take it easy, and do it easier, like Donna M.
Left, right. Left, right.
Left, right. Left.
This aligns our chakras and helps "oxenygate" the blood.
Let's tone our arms.
You can use weights or any household item.
-For a more advanced workout, use 1-pound hand weights.
-Or pencils.
-Or air.
-Flexibility is important.
Breathe, and one, two, three.
Do the best you can.
Someone has done this before.
Take it to the limit.
[ Breathing deeply ]
If this is too difficult, work your fingers.
That's all for today.
Put in tape 2 for an even lower-level body workout.
Body Fuzion.
Yay! [ Laughter ]
♪♪