- Hey everybody, today we're gonna talk about something
that in all honesty we should have talked about
like a long, long time ago.
And that is reporting your abuser.
But before we get into that, I know we have a lot
of new people here.
Welcome.
If you have a question or concern,
and you're wondering if I've talked about it before,
just hop into the search bar on YouTube
and put in my name, Kati Morton,
and some keywords for your search,
like trauma, depression, abuse, et cetera.
I have almost 1,200 videos,
so chances are I've talked about it already.
Okay, now let's get into today's topic,
reporting our abuser.
Many of you have asked questions about this process.
If you have to report in order to heal and move on,
or what the process itself even looks like.
So I'm gonna try to answer as many of your questions
as possible in one video.
And of course, feel free to ask any others you may have
in those comments below.
I am always happy to talk more about this.
Now, whenever someone hurts you in anyway,
you always have the option of reporting them to the police,
or other governing body.
But, you don't have to.
You have the option to.
So know that you never have to report it
if you don't feel you're ready,
or you don't want to, or think that it would do
more harm to you than good.
It's your choice.
Now, I have to be honest,
I do believe anyone who purposefully harms another person
deserves to pay the full price for their horrific decision.
But the process is long, and often traumatizing.
And therefore, it is completely up to the victim.
Now, the question about whether or not
you must report in order to heal.
Know that you can process a trauma and heal
without reporting anyone.
Remember, the way we heal and move on
is really through giving our brain
another chance to process an event healthfully,
as well as learning how to overcome
any defense mechanisms and unhealthy coping skills
that maybe have cropped up as a result.
It can take time.
And various types of therapy and treatment.
But whether we report them or not
isn't necessarily going to make it better or worse for us.
Okay, so just keep that in mind.
And if you don't remember, I've talked about
how our brain stores memories in the past,
and how great the movie Inside Out was.
If you haven't watched it, I would encourage you
to check it out and find it.
But, the way that they talk about like marbles
being memories in our brain is a really great
way to consider it.
So every time we have, I don't know,
let's just say in a day we have these stories
through our day, right?
If I was to come back, if I worked away from home
and I came back to Shaun, he'd be like, how was your day?
I'd tell the story of my day, right?
We all do that.
Oh, traffic was pretty bad in the morning,
but then it was okay in the afternoon
and that lady at work was pretty nice, and we tell a story.
And those stories, when they're told cohesively,
we are able to tell them to someone else.
It's easy for us to understand, it makes sense, right?
It has a beginning, middle and end.
Those are rolled nicely into a smooth,
beautiful marble that our brain can file away.
And it just puts it into like,
for right now because short term memory is much clearer
about the date, it'd be like,
oh that was like last week, or that was yesterday.
But then as it gets farther away,
it's like, oh that was like early 2018,
or that was like summer 2017.
We lump them into kind of chunks, right?
You can kind of follow me along with that.
But if something's traumatizing
and we aren't able to tell ourselves
a cohesive story about it, it's like our brain
is trying to put that marble together,
and it trips up and it drops it
and the glass sprays everywhere.
All the stuff that was created in that marble
are like shards, and in order to heal,
we have to sweep all of those bits up,
and we have to put them back together.
And it takes time.
We might cut ourselves along the way, right?
Like that's kind of like the flashbacks that happen.
Or that when we slip a little bit back.
When we feel, we're like complete in hyper vigilance
for a month, or whatever.
That's all part of that process.
And I just want to walk you through that again,
because I just love that visualization,
and I feel like knowing that we're picking up
these tiny shards can give us a little bit more patience,
and hopefully a little more love
and compassion for ourselves as we try to reassemble it.
And that's why seeing a trauma specialist,
trying out like I said earlier different types of therapies,
it can be extremely beneficial.
Don't give up if just one type of therapy
doesn't work for you and isn't helpful.
That's why there's so many of them, okay?
Now, let's get into the process.
And I'm not gonna like to you, the process is pretty awful.
and let's just add this to my growing list of things
within the mental health and legal system
that I would love to see completely overhauled.
There's a lot of things.
And of course, this process is going to vary
depending on how you were abused,
when it happened, and when you reported it.
So just keep that in mind.
Now, in short, in the States,
feel free to let us know what the process is
where you live in those comments,
but in the US, you have to make a statement
and file a police report.
That's kind of how it all gets started.
Also, if you tell a therapist and you're underage,
they may report for you because we're legally mandated.
So that can get it started as well.
But when you go and you file a police report,
this means that you either have to go into
the police station yourself, or if it's been a public act,
maybe the police arrived when it was happening or something,
and they've escaped.
They may have already come to you and asked you
to make a statement.
But either way, you have to talk it out with them.
Telling them as many details as you can.
And I know, that alone can be really, really hard
and frustrating, because we may not remember anything.
Or, maybe we didn't see their face,
or we just can't even recall.
And that part of it, the fact that it can be really hard
for us to recall any information, and often they wear
masks or gloves, and we don't know,
and it just all happened so fast.
I can't tell you how many of my patients say
when something was like a quick attack or something,
they were like, I don't know,
it happened so fast, I had no idea.
Feeling that way can just add more shame or anger
onto what we may already be feeling.
And the police are also gonna want you
to go to the hospital for an exam.
This could be to swab wounds, scrape out your nails.
You know, I watch Law and Order.
If someone attacks you, scratch them.
But they're gonna want to get that.
They may even want to do a rape kit.
Whatever they can do to gather evidence,
depending on how you were harmed.
And I know from chatting with all of you
about this for years, that even going to the doctor
for a checkup can be hard after being assaulted.
So of course, this is gonna be really, really difficult.
Especially if it just happened.
And I do want to add that if you want to file a report,
this part of it is so important.
By enduring this part, you give the police
the best chance of catching the asshole who did it,
if you don't already know who hurt you.
After that, if you saw their face,
they may have you work with a sketch artist
to put together a rough sketch of them
that'll be released either publicly
or first they'll take it around to possible suspects,
see if there's any matches.
Maybe have you do a lineup,
and that can be really terrible too,
because just seeing that person's face again
is enough to push us into dissociation,
have a flashback, or any number of coping skills.
And next, if they find the asshole,
you'll be asked to testify at the trial,
because you're the one that was hurt.
And they may have you testify multiple times
depending on whether they do a grand jury hearing first,
or if there are appeals later on.
So just know that you'll have to be prepped
by the prosecutor for your testimony,
and you may have to do it a few times.
Also, by testifying you will most likely
have to face your abuser in the courtroom.
For my patients, this is the hardest part.
And as far as I know, I'm no lawyer obviously,
but there aren't any laws that allow you
to testify without them seeing you.
I believe it's because they have the right
to face their accuser but again,
I could be completely wrong, and each state and country
and their laws can be different.
But, they may have some laws for witness protection.
I would ask about that, it never hurts to ask,
but that's just a really difficult part
because the last person we want to see is them.
We just hope they like, I don't know,
disintegrate into the earth and never come back.
So that is really, really triggering
and can be re-traumatizing.
And finally, you wait for the verdict.
And that can be good or bad,
because we have no control over it.
And if they aren't convicted, it can feel like
it's happening all over again.
Or it can make us angry.
So angry that maybe we relapse
and start self-harming again, or get back into
eating disorder behavior, or whatever.
Or, it could help give us closure and help us move on.
We just never know how the jury or judge is going to rule.
And again we have no control over it
so that part can really suck too,
and I know a lot of you have told me
that when you testified, you did all the stuff
you were supposed to do and then come to find out
they don't get convicted.
And that can feel terrible.
And so, part of the work that I would encourage you
to do in therapy leading up to this
is just preparing for both.
And I know, preparing ahead of time,
we still don't know how we're gonna feel in the moment,
but it's best to at least consider it,
and maybe talk it out with your therapist.
So you're in a safe space, so you know that
if that happens you're kind of prepared and you have a plan.
It just helps to at least consider it.
Now, I know that's a lot, and much of that makes it sound
like I'm not onboard for you to report abuse or assault.
But know that I do support that.
I think you should report it, but I just don't want
to sugarcoat it, or have you think it's gonna be easy,
only to be shocked or upset with the actual process, okay?
Because it is hard, and it can often be re-traumatizing.
So, make sure you have a therapist
or other mental health professional there to support you
while you navigate this process.
There are also a lot of different people
within the court systems that are there to support you,
like victims' advocates, and lawyers that work for free
or pro bono to help people like you,
and who have been harmed by someone else.
And so, make sure that you're asking a lot of questions.
Make sure you're getting all the support you possibly need.
There might be groups that are available.
I don't know, but it can help to just ask
and make sure that we have that whole support system
in place prior to having to go through all of this.
And I know some of it can happen in the moment
and we're gonna have to go through it,
but as soon as you can, make sure you get
some help and support.
And I know talking with friends and family
can be helpful as well, but when it comes to trauma,
it's really best to see a professional
who understands PTSD, and how to really help you.
And with all that in mind, know that I do think
we should all press charges, and make those who hurt us
pay for what they did.
But I also understand is how difficult the process is,
and again, it's your choice.
You don't have to go through with it.
Even if you start the process, let's say you file a report,
and you even do the medical exams and all of that,
and then you decide it's too much, that's okay too.
You have to do what's best for you.
Whatever you think will help you
in your own healing process.
Do that, okay?
Don't let anyone tell you that you have to do something.
It's your body, it's your life, and you get to decide.
So take your time.
Talk it out with your therapist,
and slowly just figure out what's best for you, okay?
And since I know this is a topic that a lot of people
struggle with, I would love it if some of you
who feel strong enough would share
your story in the comments.
I really think we need to talk about this more,
and de-stigmatize it.
So please share if you're able,
and thank you so much for watching,
and I will see you next time.
Bye.
(gentle jazz music)