- Attention.
Everyone, please.
I'm proud to announce I'll be holding a competition
to find my latest wingman.
- Wait, what happened to Derek?
- Derek tore his ACL judging the wet t-shirt nationals.
- Calen, no one wants to be your wing-person.
- Benefits include one free drink,
after a two-drink minimum.
- Well, I'm married and I've actually only
been drinking yerba mate lately, so...
- I don't know why I even look up.
- Okay, whoever wingmans for me
I promise to not bother for one full week.
- And, what would constitute a successful wingman-ing?
- International rules will apply.
A successful wingman must initiate
one conversation with a girl.
That conversation must include some
kind of physical touching.
And, that girl must contact me within
24 hours by the electronic means of her choice.
- All right, I'm in.
- Excellent, interviews will be in Conference Room B.
And Elliott, put on a tie.
- Did you shave?
- Yeah, it's an interview.
So Elliott, if I were to fight a bear, how would I do?
- Bears are pretty strong.
May I ask how much honey you're able
to eat before the fight?
- And Harper, what are you bringing to the table?
- Well, I'm a woman who dates women, so I know what we want.
- What do they want, is there like a new kind of flower?
- Elliott, I'm conducting the interview, okay?
- Sorry.
- Harper, is there some kind of new flower?
- No, there are no new flowers.
Physical attraction's important.
- Hell yeah, dude.
- But it's not as important as a mental connection.
- Okay, so ummm, how would you convince them
that I'm capable of doing that?
- You have to actually be able to have one of those.
- Right, but like, until I can, you would...
- Is your version of wingman-ing just
tricking women into liking you?
- Well I mean, they figure out what I'm like pretty quickly.
- But you're fine with wasting their time
and emotional energy until then?
- Well I feel like I deserve a rebound.
- Rebounding isn't real, it's like the tooth fairy.
- What?
- Do you consider yourself a man of your word, Calen?
- I'd hardly consider myself a man if I weren't.
- Good.
(ding)
- Okay, so do you wanna go on a trial run,
go over to Barnes and Noble,
the ArcLight, or Veggie Grill.
(ding)
- Physical contact.
(ding)
- Hey that is unfair, okay?
That's obeying the letter of the law, but not the spirit.
- Come on Elliott, let's go.
- Oh.
- [Elliott] I gotta go.
- Ay tu Brutus, ay tu?
- I'm sorry I was gonna help Calen be terrible to people.
- Oh that's all right, I knew you just wanted a friend.
- Yeah.
So, are we friends?
- No, not yet.
But I'd set you up with one of my friends.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Like one that likes boys?
- Some that like boys and girls.
- Oh, whoa.
Whoa.
- We'll start slow.
- [Elliott] Okay.
- I mean you're a good guy,
so I wouldn't have to lie about it.
- Thanks Harper.
- I mean I wouldn't mention that whole nail-biting thing,
but I guess not mentioning something
is technically not lying.
- Oh, well I did get prescription gloves for that.
- Cool.
Yeah, don't wear those on the date.
- Of course, I've never done that.
- See you around Ethan.
- It's Elliott.
I have a lesbian wingman.
- [Harper] I am not your wingman.
- Okay.
Lesbian wingman.
- It's like the tooth fairy.
- Wait, what?
Then who's been leaving dirty coins under my pillow?
(laughter)
Should we take that one out?
- Your broke first!
- Yeah, you did.