- The Internet is tricky.
I feel like you click on a link,
and then you wake up five years later with a beard,
and you're like, "What happened?"
(audience laughs) (intense hip-hop music)
(audience cheers)
But, no, I suffer from depression.
It's a great way to start off a set, you know.
Sorry to go blue right away, but it's true.
I... (audience laughs)
No, I've had it my whole life, and, you know,
it's like, a lot of times I'll feel sad for no reason.
But then I'll remember some of the reasons,
you know? (audience laughs)
I'm like, "This actually makes lot of sense. This adds up."
There are certain types of weather
that are better for depressives,
like I love it when it rains.
It reminds me why I got in the whole sad game, you know?
Keeps me grounded. (audience laughs)
Whenever it's pouring outside, as a sad person,
you can turn to any random optimist on the street
and just be like, "Hey! You're in my world now."
What! (audience laughs)
(Aparna chuckles)
Yeah, I relate to people who have self-doubt.
I have a lot of anxiety.
Don't be mistaken by the sassy drag queen stage persona.
(audience laughs)
I know, it's confusing.
But, yeah, I have a lot of anxiety.
I don't know, I feel like it's weirder
to not have anxiety than to have it,
'cause I feel like if you're not scared,
you're not paying attention, you know?
I feel like if you open a newspaper a day,
skim maybe three headlines, you're just like, "Seems cool!"
It's like, "What? Everything's on fire!
(audience laughs)
"Even the newspaper is on fire!
What are you so chill about?"
And, you know, sometimes when you tell people
you have anxiety, they're always like,
"Well, you know, there's nothing to fear but fear itself."
It's like, "Okay, have you checked out some of fear's work?
(audience laughs)
It's pretty much churning out solid gold hits.
(audience laughs)
Making some great points, rarely misfires.
And if you don't have anxiety, the way I would describe it
is there's an edgy improv group in your brain,
(audience laughs)
and it just needs a one-word suggestion
(audience laughs)
to spin countless scenarios that no one's comfortable with.
(audience laughs)
And the whole time, you're just like,
"When will this show be over?
I just came to be supportive!
(audience laughs)
None of these thoughts have a future."
(air whooshes) But people get into stand-up
for a lot of different reasons.
Mostly to escape your past,
sometimes to hide from your future.
But I kinda did things backwards.
I got into stand-up comedy to pursue my real dream,
which is to do temporary administrative support
in an office. (audience laughs)
Thank you.
That is where I truly excel.
I've worked in a lot of offices, though,
and I would say my main regret is I've never done this.
I wish just one time, when I'd been sitting
in a tense company meeting, I'd stood up
in the middle of it, apropos of nothing, and gone,
"I think the bigger issue here is, I can't read!"
(audience laughs)
I love offices, 'cause awkward stuff like that
happens all the time, and you can't fully address it,
'cause you have to see those people the next day.
Like, one time I worked in a different office,
try to keep up, and this happened to me in an elevator.
A woman walked in, then I walked in, then a man walked in.
So far, all innocent. That's important.
Button panel is right here.
Woman presses five, I press four.
The man's too far away, so he goes, "Six, please."
I was raised well, so I press six.
He goes, "Why, thank you!"
And then the woman goes, "Oh, you're welcome."
(audience laughs)
What?
(audience laughs)
That is an example of taking credit for someone else's work
on the smallest scale possible.
(audience laughs)
She was using manners in a rude way!
(audience laughs)
I don't think that's how you do it!
What are the circumstances that she just has
to steal other people's thank-yous in elevators?
When she walked in, when she just like,
"I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to win.
(audience laughs)
Where's my rose?"
(audience laughs)
And let me just tell you, there are a lot
of time and space constraints
to seeking revenge in an elevator.
It's not a lot of room to move, we're on the clock,
so I had to think fast, go straight to primal instinct
survival mode, so you can't judge me for what I did.
I just looked her dead in the eyes,
and I farted really loudly.
(audience laughs) (air whooshes)
One thing I wasn't ready for when I moved there
was New York is the fashion capital of the country,
so there are always models walking around,
which was kind of a bummer.
Just feral models, wandering the streets,
(audience laughs)
that no one warns you about, and they're always
stepping out of buildings when you least expect it,
just ruining your day, just like, "Aah!"
and you're like, "No, I'm down here!
You know, I don't have much."
I don't know. (audience laughs)
Models, to me, feel like self-esteem pickpockets.
(audience laughs)
They're fine at a distance, but then you
directly walk by one, and you're just like, "No!
(audience laughs)
I have nothing!
Even my personality is the wrong shape!"
(audience laughs)
People talk about New York moments.
I think there should be a separate category
called New York breaking points.
I had mine a couple of months ago.
I was walking in Manhattan, I just saw
a loose muffin that had fallen on the sidewalk,
and I just kicked it really hard!
(audience laughs)
It was like, "I didn't know that about myself.
I didn't know I was a muffin-kicker."
The top shot off in one direction, the body kept rolling.
I was like, "Sick! Children, look away!"
It's like, "If you see something, say something."
What if it's you?
(audience laughs)
What if you're the something? (air whooshes)
I've also been getting into the Internet.
I don't know if you guys have been, it's pretty fun.
(audience laughs) Yeah.
I got my AOL CD, I'm finally on there,
(audience laughs) but the Internet is tricky.
I feel like you click on a link,
and then you wake up five years later with a beard,
and you're like, "What happened?"
(audience laughs)
My latest Achilles' heel on the Internet is list articles.
Listicles, I believe, is the time-saving term.
(audience laughs)
I don't know if you guys are familiar with them,
but the whole point, they're known as clickbait,
the whole point is just to get you to click on the link.
They just want those hits.
And there's a lot of sites that specialize in them.
There's BuzzFeed, HuffPo, third site is doing great work.
(audience laughs)
But at first, they started out normal
in terms of being enticing.
A typical one might be something like
"12 Actresses Before They Were Famous."
And you'll be like, "Oh, well, I'm not famous.
Let's relate."
(audience laughs)
Or it'd be like "37 Puppies So Cute, You'll Be Mad,"
and you're like, "I'm already mad!
Bring it on!" (audience laughs)
(Aparna chuckles)
And then I feel like they ran out of all the normal ones
and they slowly started getting weirder,
'cause they have to put up 70,000 a day.
It's a valuable job.
So you would start getting ones that were a little odd,
like "51 Burritos Without Makeup."
(audience laughs)
"I guess there has to be some airbrushing involved."
(audience laughs)
Or it'd be like "300 Ways to Prove You're Real."
(audience laughs)
"Am I real? Hm, better check a hundred of those."
(audience laughs)
I can't wait until they run out of all the weird ones
and it just comes back full circle to mundane again,
and it's just like "The 10 Commandments!"
(audience laughs) (Aparna chuckles)
(audience cheers and applauds) (intense hip-hop music)