WELCOME, WELCOME, BENGHAZI, EVERYBODY, IN HERE OUT THERE, TO
"THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WERE IN THE FINAL DAYS OF THE PREVIOUS PRESIDENCY?
WELL, TURNS OUT, NOW THAT WE'RE THROUGH IT, I THINK WE CAN SAY,
IN HINDSIGHT, THAT MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE MORE
TERRIFIED, BECAUSE WE'RE GETTING NEW DETAILS ABOUT THE LAST DAYS
OF THE LAST ADMINISTRATION OF "THE LARDFATHER," IN THE NEW
TELL-ALL FROM BOB WOODWARD AND ROBERT COSTA, "PERIL."
TURNS OUT, TWO DAYS AFTER THE JANUARY 6th INSURRECTION, JOINT
CHIEFS CHAIRMAN, MARK MILLEY FEARED THE FORMER PRESIDENT
WOULD LAUNCH A NUCLEAR WAR.
THAT'S A BOMBSHELL REVELATION A BOMBSHELL ABOUT A BOMBSHELL
THAT WOULD BRING ABOUT THE REVELATION.
BUT GOING NUCLEAR MAKES SENSE FOR THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
AFTER ALL, HE IS A FAT MAN WHO ACTS LIKE A LITTLE BOY.
APPARENTLY--
TRUE STORY.
APPARENTLY, GENERAL MILLEY BELIEVED THE THEN-PRESIDENT HAD
GONE INTO A SERIOUS MENTAL DECLINE IN THE AFTERMATH OF THE
ELECTION.
THAT IS PRETTY FRIGHTENING, BUT NOT SURPRISING.
WE ALL KNOW THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAS PROBLEMS WITH DECLINES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO, GENERAL MILLEY-- A LITTLE NERVOUS?
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: GENERAL MILLEY SINGLEHANDEDLY TOOK TOP-SECRET
ACTION TO LIMIT THE FORMER PRESIDENT FROM POTENTIALLY
ORDERING A DANGEROUS MILITARY STRIKE OR LAUNCHING NUCLEAR
WEAPONS.
WHAT HE DID WAS, HE CHANGED THE NUCLEAR CODES
INTO SOMETHING THE PRESIDENT WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO FIGURE
OUT: HIS CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAYS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT WASN'T JUST OUR GENERALS WHO WERE CONVINCED THE PRESIDENT WAS
GOING TO START A WAR.
THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT BELIEVED THE UNITED STATES WAS PREPARING
TO ATTACK, BASED ON TENSIONS OVER MILITARY EXERCISES IN THE
SOUTH CHINA SEA, AND DEEPENED BY THE PRESIDENT'S BELLIGERENT
RHETORIC TOWARD CHINA.
THAT'S HOW SERIOUS IT WAS.
CHINA WAS AFRAID THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS GOING TO BOMB HIS
DAUGHTER'S PURSE FACTORIES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT WAS-- IT WAS SO--
LOVELY-- OH, QUALITY.
IT'S THE QUALITY.
IT WAS SO PLAUSIBLE, THAT GENERAL MILLEY FELT COMPELLED TO
CALL THE CHINESE AND SAY, "I WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT THE
AMERICAN GOVERNMENT IS STABLE, AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE
OKAY.
WE ARE NOT GOING TO ATTACK."
THAT'S NOT REASSURING!
( LAUGHTER )
WHILE YOU'RE AT DINNER TO SAY, "I WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT THE
TWINS ARE STABLE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY.
THEY ARE NOT GOING TO SET THE GARAGE ON FIRE OR DO ANYTHING
ELSE WITH THE MATCHES I LET THEM PLAY WITH.
HOW ATTACHED WERE YOU TO THE DOG?"
( LAUGHTER )
MUCHPRESSURE WAS PUT ON MIKE PENCE BY OL' BONE SPURS N'
HARMONY.
ON JANUARY 5th, PENCE TOLD THE THEN-PRESIDENT THAT VICE
PRESIDENTS DON'T HAVE THE POWER TO OVERTURN AN ELECTION.
AS MAGAHEADS WERE CHEERING OUTSIDE, THE PRESIDENT TURNED TO
PENCE AND SAID, "IF THESE PEOPLE SAY YOU HAD THE POWER, WOULDN'T
YOU WANT TO?" PENCE REPLIED,"I WOULDN'T WANT
ANY ONE PERSON TO HAVE THAT AUTHORITY," TO WHICH THE FORMER
PRESIDENT SAID, "BUT WOULDN'T IT BE ALMOST COOL TO HAVE THAT
POWER?"
ALWAYS NICE TO HEAR WORDS LIKE "COOL" ATTACHED TO FLAGRANT
ABUSES OF POWER, LIKE WHEN NIXON SAID, "HEY, HENRY, WOULDN'T IT
BE GROOVY IF WE SECRETLY BOMBED CAMBODIA?
COWABUNGA, DUDE!" THE V.P. WOULD NOT BUDGE, WHICH
INFURIATED THE SAD-ITIONIST, WHO SCREAMED, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND,
MIKE.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE IF YOU DON'T DO THIS."
I GOTTA SAY, THAT MUST HAVE BEEN TOUGH TO HEAR, BUT THE NEXT
DAY, AT THE CAPITOL RIOT, MIKE PENCE FOUND SOME NEW FRIENDS TO
HANG WITH.
BOB WOODWARD--
SO SAD.
BOB WOODWARD AND ROBERT COSTA WILL BE MY GUESTS ONE WEEK FROM
TONIGHT.
SITTING RIGHT OVER THERE.
AND I--
IT WILL BE A GREAT SHOW, GREAT SHOW.
I WILL ASK THEM HOW CLOSE WE WERE TO NUCLEAR ARMAGEDDON, AND
THEN ASK THEM TO ROCK ME GENTLY IN THEIR ARMS WHILE I OPENLY
WEEP.
HEY, IN MORE HOPEFUL NEWS, AFTER AN 18-MONTH SHUTDOWN, TODAY THE
BIGGEST BROADWAY SHOWS REOPENED!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"WICKED," "THE LION KING."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ "THE LATE SHOW" IS CELEBRATING
BROADWAY'S RETURN.
CHECK OUT THE DOME!
THERE IT IS, TIMES SQUARE, ALL THE SPLENDOR OF BROADWAY!
( APPLAUSE )
PRODUCTIONS ARE STILL TAKING PRECAUTIONS.
JUST LIKE OUR THEATER, MASKS ARE NOW REQUIRED FOR BROADWAY
AUDIENCES.
THAT MEANS FULL COVERAGE OF MOUTH AND NOSE.
LOOKIN' AT YOU, PHANTOM.
( LAUGHTER )
THANK YOU.
REOPENING IS GOING MORE SMOOTHLY THAN EXPECTED.
PRODUCERS SAY, "THERE WERE ACTUALLY FEWER RODENTS THAN
FEARED IN THE THEATER BUILDINGS."
NOW, THAT'S WHAT YOU PUT UP ON THE MARQUEE.
COME SEE "WAITRESS: WITH FEWER RODENTS THAN FEARED!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE DON'T HAVE ANY, RIGHT?
NO RODENT.
NO RODE ENTS HERE.
>> Jon: MICHELANGELO, LEONARDO, DONATELLO, NOTHING.
>> Stephen: IN OTHER DAZZLING NEWS, LAST NIGHT WAS THE ANNUAL
MET GALA.
THIS YEAR'S THEME WAS AN HOMAGE TO AMERICA.
SOME FOLKS TOOK THAT LITERALLY, LIKE SOCCER PLAYER MEGAN RAPINOE
AND ROCKER DEBBIE HARRY, WHILE OTHERS MADE STATEMENTS, LIKE
A.O.C.'S DRESS THAT READ "TAX THE RICH."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ABSOLUTELY.
STRONG STATEMENT.
AND A LOVELY TRIBUTE TO BERNIE'S "RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE" TANK
TOP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
GOOD.
LOOKS GOOD.
A LITTLE MIDRIFF, A LITTLE DARING.
RAPPER LIL NAS X HAD MULTIPLE LOOKS, INCLUDING THIS CAPE,
WHICH HE SHED TO REVEAL A GOLDEN SUIT OF ARMOR.
UNFORTUNATELY, HE HAD TO LEAVE EARLY TO HELP R2D2 GET HAN,
LUKE, AND LEIA OUT OF A TRASH COMPACTOR.
( APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ I KNOW THE QUESTION ON
EVERYONE'S MIND.
THEY'RE SAYING, "STEPHEN, DID YOU ATTEND THE MET GALA?"
AND THE ANSWER IS, "YES, I DID!" AND THERE I AM.
THAT'S ME.
THERE I AM.
YOU CAN'T PROVE IT ISN'T ME.
ONE MET GALA INVITEE WHO DIDN'T SHOW UP WAS RAPPER NICKI MINAJ,
SEEN HERE AFTER BEING UPHOLSTERED.
MINAJ TWEETED THAT THE REASON SHE DIDN'T GO TO THE MET GALA
WAS BECAUSE OF HER YOUNG CHILD, BUT SHE ALSO TWEETED, "THEY WANT
YOU TO GET VACCINATED FOR THE MET.
IF I GET VACCINATED, IT WON'T BE FOR THE MET.
IT'LL BE ONCE I FEEL I'VE DONE ENOUGH RESEARCH.
I'M WORKING ON THAT NOW."
( BOOING ) NO, I AM NOT SURPRISED.
SHE'S KNOWN FOR HER EXTENSIVE RESEARCH ON WHAT ANACONDAS WANT,
IF AND WHEN YOU'VE GOT BUNS, HUN.
( APPLAUSE )
DEEP DIVE ON THAT SUBJECT?
A. DEEP DIVE ON THAT ONE, BUT IL >> Stephen: HER NEXT TWEET
SHOWED HOW DEEPLY SHE'S DELVED INTO THE VACCINE SCIENCE,
SAYING, "MY COUSIN IN TRINIDAD WON'T GET THE VACCINE
CUZ HIS FRIEND GOT IT AND BECAME IMPOTENT.
HIS TESTICLES BECAME SWOLLEN."
SEE, THAT'S WHY I MADE SURE TO GET MY SHOT IN THE SHOULDER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I CAN'T-- SO IMPORTANT.
♪ ♪ ♪ SO IMPORTANT.
YOU ALL RIGHT.
.>> Jon: YEAH, I'M GOOD ON THAT.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE TO SAY THIS, BUT DOCTORS AGREE THAT
COVID VACCINES DO NOT CAUSE SWOLLEN TESTICLES.
BUT TO BE FAIR TO DR. MINAJ, EVERYONE KNOWS THERE'S NO SOURCE
MORE RELIABLE THAN YOUR EXTENDED FAMILY'S ACQUAINTANCES IN
ANOTHER COUNTRY.
HER REPORT COMES STRAIGHT FROM "THE NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF MY
COUSIN'S FRIEND IN TRINIDAD.
( APPLAUSE )
CHECK OUT THIS WEEK'S STUDY: I HEARD HIS GIRLFRIEND GOT
PREGNANT FROM A HOT TUB.
( LAUGHTER )
HEADED TO THE POLLS FOR THE RECALL ELECTION OF CALIFORNIA
GOVERNOR AND MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY PLAYING MITT ROMNEY
IN A BIOPIC, GAVIN NEWSOM.
NOW, AT THE TIME OF THIS TAPING, WE DON'T KNOW THE WINNERS OR THE
LOSERS, BUT WE KNOW AT LEAST ONE LOSER WHO CLAIMS HE WAS THE
WINNER-- REPUBLICAN FRONT-RUNNER AND MAN NOTICING A SQUIRREL
CARRYING A WHOLE WAFFLE, LARRY ELDER.
YESTERDAY, BEFORE A SINGLE VOTE WAS COUNTED, ELDER WAS ALREADY
CONCEDING DEFEAT AND PREPARING TO BLAME HIS LOSS ON BASELESS
CLAIMS OF WIDESPREAD VOTER FRAUD, GOING LIVE--
( BOOING ) GOING LIVE WITH A WEBSITE
BEGGING VOTERS TO "INVESTIGATE AND AMELIORATE THE TWISTED
RESULTS OF THIS 2021 RECALL ELECTION OF GOVERNOR GAVIN
NEWSOM."
AND HE PUT THAT UP BEFORE A SINGLE RESULT COULD HAVE BEEN
TWISTED.
IT'S LIKE SENDING AN EMAIL TO YOUR BOSS AT 5:00 P.M. SAYING,
"HEY, TOMORROW MORNING, MY ALARM ISN'T GOING TO GO OFF.
I'LL BE VERY LATE, BUT YOU'RE GOING TO BE COOL WITH IT.
SEE YOU AT HAPPY HOUR!"
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: YEAH, BABY.
>> Stephen: IT'S A JOURNEY.
ELDER'S WEBSITE SAYS HE'S GOT PRE-PROOF OF THE FUTURE FRAUD,
THANKS TO STATISTICAL ANALYSES USED TO DETECT FRAUD IN
ELECTIONS HELD IN THIRD-WORLD NATIONS, SUCH AS RUSSIA,
VENEZUELA, AND IRAN, ADDING: "MY COUSIN IN TRINIDAD TOLD ME
HIS FRIEND'S BALLS VOTED TWICE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS SUPREME COURT JUSTICE STEPHEN BREYER.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪