♪♪
-Now let's get to the news.
Russian President Vladimir Putin is reportedly expected
to formally declare war this week on Ukraine.
Really? Now?
Putin's like the guy who's been dating the same woman
for six months but refuses to say girlfriend.
Ukraine has its own dresser, drawer in your apartment.
You're at war. [ Laughter ]
President Biden last week named Karine Jean-Pierre
as the next White House press secretary,
which makes her the first Black woman
and openly gay person to hold the position.
So she's going to spend a lot of time at the podium saying,
no, I mean, questions about world events.
[ Laughter ]
The Biden administration issued a warning over the weekend
that the country may see 100 million coronavirus infections
this fall and winter unless we, as a nation,
commit to going out and catching it this summer instead.
[ Laughter ]
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell
said in a new interview that the Supreme Court
overturning Roe versus Wade
could pave the way for a national ban on abortion.
On the bright side, Mexico might finally pay for a wall.
[ Laughter ]
At a rally held by former President Trump last week,
Pennsylvania Republican Senate candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz
was repeatedly booed by the crowd.
In his defense, that's just how Pennsylvania says hello.
[ Laughter ]
The CDC announced over the weekend
that it's investigating a recent coronavirus outbreak
on a Carnival cruise ship.
That might be the shortest investigation ever conducted.
It's a cruise ship, you say?
Well, I think we've figured out your problem.
[ Laughter ]
U2's Bono and The Edge held a surprise concert yesterday
at a subway station in Ukraine.
If you're curious how it went,
check your iTunes. It's already in there.
[ Laughter ]
They probably didn't think that decision
would have such a long tail.
Is that a decade? It's like a decade ago now.
What's the worst that can happen?
They're still making jokes about it 10 years from now.
What a good Bono.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Good Bono.
I feel like you roll your eyes at me, Wally.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, a family in Massachusetts
recently rescued a puppy
that they found on the side of the road,
which was actually a baby coyote.
Said the family, I guess it's for the best.
It didn't get along with our cat anyway.
[ Laughter ]
Thanks to the family who posed for that photo.
♪♪
President Biden today held a bilateral meeting
with Italian Prime Minister Mario Draghi
to reaffirm the partnership between the two countries.
Though I think he misunderstood which partnership.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden has reportedly
told his national security officials
that recent press leaks about intelligence sharing
with Ukraine need to stop
and could further inflame tensions with Russia.
So remember, the Ukrainian people have our full support,
but if anyone asks, no, they don't.
Congressional Republicans are reportedly split over
what to do if the Supreme Court officially overturns
Roe versus Wade.
Apparently, they can't decide
between a ticker tape parade or a dance party.
[ Laughter ]
I think it's a very fair point,
but I understand why it was a huge bummer.
[ Laughter ]
The Senate passed a bill yesterday to expand security
for Supreme Court justices, and just in time.
Did you see how close that lunatic got to Clarence Thomas?
[ Laughter ]
150 personal items that belonged to the late
Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg
recently sold in an auction for over $800,000,
though I think some of Kavanaugh's stuff got mixed in.
[ Laughter ]
Authorities in Texas are looking for a man
who allegedly burglarized a home and then mowed the front
and back lawns before fleeing the scene.
Police describe the suspect as your dad.
[ Laughter ]
A dog that escaped from a yard in Brooklyn over a week ago
was spotted swimming in the East River
and then walking through the Battery Tunnel
before he was rescued from the parking lot
of a Home Depot in New Jersey.
Though I'm not sure rescued is the right word.
It sounds more like he was apprehended.
[ Laughter ]
Who told you where to find me?
Authorities in Nevada have reported finding
several sets of human remains over the last week
in Lake Mead as water levels drop amid an ongoing drought.
On the upside, the Mafia is now very invested
in stopping climate change.
[ Laughter ]
Artist Andy Warhol silkscreen portrait
of Marilyn Monroe sold yesterday at auction for $195 million
and at Old Navy for $6.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, Starbucks added a new drink to its menu today,
which is cold brew coffee topped with chocolate foam
and sweetened with vanilla syrup.
It's also their first drink to come with the bathroom key.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden spoke today in Illinois
about his administration's plan to support farmers.
Although I feel like he should be asking
about their plan to support him.
Do you guys got one of those "Charlotte's Web" spiders
that could write something nice about me?
[ Laughter ]
Well, speaking yesterday at the White House
about the steps he's taking to curb inflation,
President Biden acknowledged the Democrats
"control all three branches of the government."
Oh, so you are aware?
It's like hearing a six-year-old say
Genesis was better with Peter Gabriel.
Definitely. We just didn't know you knew.
Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has tested positive
for a breakthrough case of the coronavirus.
Gates says he probably got the virus
because he forgot to install McAfee.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Bill Gates has tested positive for coronavirus.
So for now, he's just going to attend meetings on Zoom.
Oh, I mean, Microsoft Teams!
We all -- we love Microsoft Teams, everybody.
A House intelligence subcommittee is set next week
to hold the first open congressional hearing on UFOs.
Oh, come on.
How many times are you going to make him testify?
[ Laughter ]
According to newly released audio
from an interview after the Capitol attack,
Republican Senator Lindsey Graham praised
President Biden and said he's the
"best person to have in office."
And then today he said,
"I'm going to let that go to voicemail."
[ Laughter ]
Actor James Cromwell super glued himself
to the counter of a Starbucks in New York
yesterday to protest the chain
charging more for plant-based milks.
While over a Dunkin',
You kind of just stick to the counter naturally.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you very much.
[ Laughter ]
Two unoccupied beach houses in North Carolina
recently fell into the ocean,
or, as the realtor put it, 360-degree ocean views.
[ Laughter ]
A rat ran on to the field during last night's
New York Mets game.
A staff member quickly caught it,
and out of habit, tossed it to a kid in the front row.
[ Laughter ]
Hi, Baseball rat.
I got a baseball rat.
And finally, an alligator was recently spotted
in the drive through of a fast food
restaurant in North Carolina.
But this is annoying. He had no idea what he wanted.
Let's go!
Let's go! You're holding up the line!
In his new book, Ex-Defense Secretary
Mark Esper writes that despite his hatred
of press leaks, former President Trump
was "the biggest leaker of all."
Said Trump, "Well, that's the last time
I show him the Area 51 aliens.
Oh, damn it."
[ Laughter ]
President Biden criticized
Republicans at a fundraiser last night
for their recent attacks on Disney
and said "they're going to storm
Cinderella's castle before this is over."
Oh, buddy, I hate to tell you.
If they're storming anything,
it's the Hall of Presidents.
Also, that's me, right?
[ Laughter ]
I mean, imagine finding --
That's how I found out I was a president.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden told a small
gathering at a Democratic fundraiser last night
that it's going to be hard to maintain the majority
in both houses of Congress, especially since
they don't have it in the first place.
Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema
appeared on the Senate floor yesterday
wearing a pink tie-dyed shirt that said "no thanks."
I don't know what that means
except that Arizona elected a senator
who only shops at airports.
[ Laughter ]
Even weirder, Bernie Sanders was wearing this.
[ Laughter ]
I need it. I don't know what to tell you.
I need it.
I'm not going to apologize.
Mama needs wine.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden today called Ferdinand Marcos Jr.
to congratulate him on winning
the Philippine presidential election.
Said Biden, "Remember, winning is the easy part.
The hard part is convincing everybody
that you actually won."
[ Laughter ]
While speaking yesterday,
the thousands of union electrical workers,
President Biden referred to former President Trump
as "the great MAGA king."
Okay, can we please not give him any more ideas?
[ Laughter ]
North Korea reported its first coronavirus outbreak today
and ordered all cities and counties to enter a lockdown,
or as they call it, business as usual.
[ Laughter ]
New York Mayor Eric Adams
said on Tuesday that his official residence,
Gracie Mansion, is haunted and added
"I don't care what anyone says. There are ghosts in there."
Mm, I don't think that's who's booing you.
According to a new study, the top three baby names
that are set to make a comeback this year are
Joan, Mary and Margaret,
which is also a full curse in a Catholic household.
Oh, Joan, Mary and Margaret!
[ Laughter ]
In fact...
[ Laughter ]
I stubbed me toe!
[ Laughter ]
So, Bill, I've got a little bit of criticism
recently about my really good Irish accent.
And finally, the New York State Lottery announced yesterday
that the results of Tuesday's drawing
were published with the wrong mega ball number,
and things are pretty awkward at the house
that thought they won.
Honey, I was joking about the divorce.
That was ha-ha, it's me.
That's when I'm funny.
That was a monologue, everybody.
♪♪