- So Hensler declares that,
"The marriage has become very unsupportable,
unless she consents to having her mouth surgically closed."
My God, man.
Holy cow, you put this in front of the court.
A pleading is a document that you file with the court.
And whenever I file a pleading, it is well-researched,
it makes good faith, well-reasoned arguments,
and it is spell checked within an inch of its life.
But the pleadings we're talking about today
have none of those things.
These are the most bizarre and ridiculous pleadings
that have ever been filed in an American court.
We start with the Iowa man who requested trial by combat.
So in America, we take pride in a judicial system
that allows anyone to have their grievances heard
before a neutral judge or a jury of their peers.
And instead of resolving disagreements through duals,
like "The Days of Yore,"
legal disputes can be addressed in a calm and civil manner.
Well, that is the ideal, at least.
Because reality is often much, much different.
Enter David Ostrom of Paola, Kansas,
who during a heated custody battle against his ex-wife,
requested an Iowa court turn their legal battle
into a literal battle,
complete with samurai swords.
In an effort to resolve a dispute
over his ability to communicate with his two children
and get his ex-wife to pay property taxes
on their former home,
Mr. Ostrom filed a motion challenging
his former spouse and her attorney
to quote "trial by combat."
Mr. Ostrom was purportedly inspired by Richard Luthmann,
a Staten Island attorney and "Game of Thrones" officinato,
who requested a trial by combat
to settle a dispute with another lawyer and his clients.
In Mr. Ostrom's motion he wrote,
"My ex-wife and her attorney indicated
they have destroyed me legally,
now I wish to give them the chance
to meet me on the field of battle,
where I will rend their souls from their bodies."
Mr. Ostrom, ever the chivalrous type,
said his ex-wife's attorney would be allowed
to fight in her place as her, quote "champion."
Mr. Ostrom defended the legality of this request
before the court by writing quote,
"Trial by combat was still regarded
as a legitimate method for dispute resolution
when the constitution was ratified in the United States
by the original 13 colonies.
To this day, trial by combat
has never explicitly been banned or restricted as a right
in these United States."
Check mate. Never rescinded. Still okay.
That's how the law works, right?
So Mr. Ostrom also requested a three month delay
so he could obtain two samurai swords for the fight.
In opposition to Mr. Ostrom's medieval motion,
the counsel for Ostrom's ex-wife,
who refers to himself in the response as quote,
"potential combatant," very cheeky,
that is a excellent defining term, argued quote,
"Although the respondent and potential combatant
do have souls to be rended,
they respectfully request that the court
not order this done.
We humbly request that the court deny this motion,
as the potentially life ending ramifications
surely outweigh the severity
of the petitioner's proposed legal remedy
of trying to avoid responsibility for property taxes
and to acquire additional telephonic communication.
What a buzzkill, seriously.
Now I regret to inform you that the judge
denied Mr. Ostrom's motion,
while granting opposing counsel's request
to temporarily suspend Mr. Ostrom's child visitation rights
and order a psychological evaluation.
Like a guy can't just request trial by combat to the death?
I mean, judges.
Mr. Ostrom was declared sane
and then demanded his ex-wife and her attorney
also get sanity tests.
Mr. Ostrom insisted he was neither violent, nor crazy,
and had no intention of hurting anyone.
Rather, he was simply frustrated
with what he believed was a system
stacked against men in custody disputes
with financial support
and wanted to draw attention to the issue.
Now trial by combat
is technically illegal in almost every state.
And in fact, in Kentucky of all places,
there is an anti trial by combat law
that says every elected official
who takes the oath of office must actually swear before God
that they never fought in a dual with deadly weapons
nor challenged or aided any in such fight.
Now #notlegaladvice,
regardless of the legality of trial by combat,
it's probably a bad idea
to settle disputes with deadly weapons,
especially if you wanna get elected in Kentucky.
- Nor have I sent nor accepted a challenge
to fight a dual with deadly weapons.
- [Devin] But that takes us to perhaps
the most bitter divorce filing of all time.
And as you just saw,
emotions can run high in matters of the heart.
That's why for divorces,
it's often a good idea to hire an attorney
to proceed with an air of professionalism.
Or you could just choose the path
of Texas attorney Paul Frank Hensler,
who handled his own divorce with a handwritten petition
that was um...
Well, it was interesting.
Let's just take a look at this.
Now fair warning,
this is a 1985 divorce petition from Texas,
so don't be surprised from what follows,
where it's not exactly the most evolved of pleadings.
And in what reads like a badly written country song,
or honestly an awesome country song,
Hensler states his wife moved outta the house
after only 10 months of holy matrimony
after she got pissed off and hauled ass
with their car, the MasterCard, her $365 in cash,
her federal civil rights
nine year old employment discrimination case
against the Texas Department of Human Resources
to which she is welcome,
having board me stiff for two years
about just how everybody picks on her.
So Hensler declares that
the marriage has become very unsupportable
due to a conflict of personalities between he and his wife,
but says the real blame lies with his ex-wife's
failure to provide the quote
"legitimate ends of the marriage
that prevents any reasonable expectation of reconciliation,
unless she consents to having her mouth surgically closed."
My God, man.
Holy cow, you put this in front of the court.
Now Hensler attests that he and his wife
had no children together, although quote,
"Petitioner swears on oath
he did everything he could to knock her up."
That's not even germaine to the pleading here.
But Hensler sarcastically says his wife is quote,
"Liberated now and feminists don't have children
by male chauvinist pig lawyers, so she swears."
Gosh, I can't believe this marriage only lasted 10 months.
Now Hensler requests the court divide their estate
among parties based on possession,
clarifying he means the legal sense of possession,
not possession like in horror movies.
But Hensler does assert his wife could easily stand in
for quote, "The girl from the Exorcist."
- I'm the holy spirit. (girl growls)
- Hensler requests the court grant his divorce
and have his wife's name legally changed
to the demonic Bella Abzug, Jr.,
a play on the name Beelzebub.
Hensler then closes the petition with quote,
"Screw you (beep),"
while signing the pleading with
"Respectfully submitted, Paul F. Hensler".
Fun fact, lawyers who sign things "respectfully,"
nine times outta 10
were secretly meaning no respect intended.
Except me, of course.
Always with due respect.
#notalllawyers.
But that brings us to the defense attorney
who demanded that everyone call him Captain Justice.
Now to promote the fair administration of justice,
courts serve as evidentiary gatekeepers
to ensure only reliable and authenticated evidence
is admitted at trial,
while excluding any evidence that needlessly inflames,
confuses, or prejudices the trier of fact.
But in one Tennessee burglary case,
the dueling efforts of prosecutors and defense counsel
to obtain a fair trial took a very bizarre
and let's call it a humorous turn.
Now, back in 2013, the state of Tennessee
was scheduled to prosecute Donald Powell
for aggravated burglary.
Assistant District Attorney General Tammy Rettig
was the local prosecutor who represented the state,
while Powell was represented by
inappropriately named Drew Justice.
Before trial, ADA Rettig filed a motion in limine
to get the court to exclude evidence
she believed would unfairly prejudice the state's case.
Her request stopped defense counsel
from referring to the state's legal representative
as "the Government", because that's not very nice.
Yes, that's right.
The prosecutor, who represented the government of Tennessee,
demanded that the defense counsel be prohibited
from calling her "the Government"
because it might bias the jury against, let me see here...
The government. (book slams)
Now in ADA Rettig's one page motion,
she suggested Mr. Justice's repeated references
to the state's attorney as "the Government"
was derogatory and prejudicial to the state's case
and Mr. Justice should instead refer
to the state's attorneys by their names or titles.
Mr. Justice responded to this baffling motion
with his own appropriately cheeky response.
"The government has moved to ban the word government.,"
Mr. Justice begins,
noting that the state of Tennessee quote,
"Offers precisely zero legal authority
for this rather nitpicky position."
Mr. Justice argues granting such a motion
would violate his first amendment rights.
Mr. Justice asserts that the term "the Government"
is not inherently derogatory,
particularly since courts frequently refer
to the prosecutor's office as "the Government."
In the alternative, Mr. Justice argues
that if the ADA gets to choose her own name,
then we the defense should
get to choose our own names as well.
Mr. Justice first requested the court
stop referring to the defendant as defendant,
stating that the word has a negative connotation that quote,
"Dehumanizes Mr. Donald Powell."
Mr. Justice instead proposed calling his defendant
by his full name, Mr. Donald Powell, quote,
"The citizen accused" or "That innocent man."
But Mr. Justice was not yet finished.
He asked the court that he no longer be referred to
by the meager name of lawyer or attorney.
That's when Drew Justice went full Ted Mosby.
- Pleased to meet you captain.
I'm Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville.
- [Devin] First, Mr. Justice suggested that the court
call him "Defender of the Innocent,"
as all defendants are presumed innocent until proven guilty.
He then proposed the title of "Guardian of the Realm."
Mr. Justice also suggested if ADA Rettig gets to be quote,
"Assistant District Attorney General,"
then defense counsel deserves an appropriate
military title to match, "Captain Justice."
Mr. Justice, sorry, Captain Justice argued that
the court shouldn't even be calling him the defense,
writing the quote, "whole idea of being defensive
comes across to most people as suspicious."
The captain then proposed that his side
instead be dubbed "The resistance."
And as a "Star Wars" fan,
I can certainly see the appeal of that last one.
But the cheeky defense counsel closed his motion
with a similarly rye fashion, quote,
"Wherefore Captain Justice, Guardian of the Realm,
and Leader of the Resistance,
primarily asks that the court deny the state's motion
as lacking legal basis.
Alternatively, the Citizen Accused
moves for an order in limine
modifying the speech code as aforementioned,
and requiring all other euphemisms and feel-good terms
as the court finds appropriate."
Now you might have thought that lawyers are incapable
of committing extensive trolling in court,
but this motion shows just how wrong you are.
Yeah, sometimes when the prosecution does ridiculous things,
you gotta just troll the crap out of him.
Now sadly, the court denied
the Assistant District Attorney General's motion,
while also denying defense counsel's request
to be called Captain Justice.
Tennessee's fears that being called "the Government"
would prejudice their case turned out to be unfounded.
After waiving his right to a jury trial,
Mr. Powell was, in fact,
convicted of attempted aggravated burglary
and his conviction was upheld on appeal.
But it seems like Mr. Justice's suggestion
that his client be called quote, "That Innocent Man"
was just a little bit premature,
if not incredibly petty trolling.
So A+ on that.
But that takes us to an actual meritorious motion
because one of the best reasons, if not the best reason,
to ask for a continuance
is that the Chiefs made it to the Super Bowl, man.
Now of the many skills that lawyers possess,
one we certainly lack is the ability to see the future.
But one possible exception is DUI attorney
and Kansas City Chiefs super fan Denise Kirby,
who successfully predicted in a legal filing
that the Chiefs would break a 50 year championship drought
that would render her too busy
cheering on her team at Super Bowl 54 to attend trial.
Here's how it went down.
Now in October 2019, Ms. Kirby filed a motion
to continue her February 3rd, 2020 DUI trial
on the grounds that she'd personally be in Miami
watching her team play in Super Bowl 54.
At the time of the motion, the concept was laughable.
So much so, that apparently everyone in the courtroom
laughed at her request.
But then the Chiefs made it to the Super Bowl.
So Ms. Kirby filed a new motion to continue trial.
According to Ms. Kirby's motion, quote,
"The courtroom erupted in laughter"
when she confidently asserted in October
that she would be in Miami
to watch the Chiefs in the Super Bowl."
She further noted that the court had advised
that should that happen, it would grant the continuance.
Quote, "It happened," wrote Ms. Kirby.
As a result, Ms. Kirby would not be back in time for trial
and thus needed a continuance.
The motion ends with quote, "Go Chiefs!"
Because of course it does.
Now ultimately the Chiefs and Ms. Kirby
would have the last laugh.
In a historic fourth quarter comeback,
the Chiefs overcame a 10 point deficit
with 21 unanswered points
to beat the San Francisco 49ers 31 to 20.
It was heartbreaking.
I was born in San Francisco.
I'm a big 49ers fan.
Sorry.
The court, having granted Ms. Kirby's continuance,
helped fulfill the prophecy
that allowed her to see that historic victory.
And that takes us to the importance of being earnest.
Hemingway.
Now lawyers have a reputation for being humorless,
buttoned-up suits.
- Well, I'm a professional.
I'm serious and I'm a professional.
- Can't imagine why.
But we lawyer-types love to cut loose and have some fun.
So what is an attorney to do
when our extracurricular activities clash with trial dates?
Well, if you are Florida lawyer, Frank Louderback,
getting ready to attend
an Ernest Hemingway Look-Alike Contest,
you hope that your court is understanding
of your scheduling conflict
and non-refundable deposits, as well.
The court was not.
Here's what happened.
In 2012, Florida man Jerry Allen Bottorff
was facing federal charges
in connection with a murder-for-hire plot
involving the murder victim's wife,
Cristie Sehorne-Bottorff,
whom Jerry had met at a swinger's club,
and who later became Jerry's wife.
Just your typical Florida love story.
Now, Frank Louderback was scheduled
to go to trial in July of 2012,
but everything changed for the St. Petersburg lawyer
when he became a semi-finalist
in the annual Ernest Hemingway Look-Alike Competition
at Sloppy Joe's Bar in Key West.
Now Louderback understandably felt
that this fortuitous change in circumstances
merited a brief suspension of trial,
informing the court quote,
"Undersigned counsel has secured a block of six rooms
to accommodate family, friends and fans
and has had to pay non-refundable deposits."
Now non-refundable deposits not withstanding,
US District Court Judge Steven D. Merryday
denied the request writing quote,
"Between a murder-for-hire trial
and an annual look-alike contest,
surely Hemingway, a perfervid admirer
of quote 'grace under pressure' would choose the trial."
And in his denial,
Judge Merryday showcased his own sense of humor
and admiration for Hemingway,
citing Dorothy Parker's 1929 New Yorker profile
of the author, quote,
"At his most robust,
Hemingway exemplified the intrepid defense lawyer.
He works like hell and through it.
He has the most profound bravery.
He has had pain and the kind of poverty
that you don't believe.
He has had about eight times
the normal allotment of responsibilities.
And he has never once compromised.
He has never turned off on an easier path
than the one he staked himself.
It takes courage."
Judge Merryday closes the motion
by citing the iconic final line
of Hemingway's "The Sun Also Rises."
And you've gotta love the way
that the judge ends this order.
Best of luck to counsel in next year's contest.
The motion docket 127 is denied.
And while Louderback would live to compete another day,
sadly Bottorff and his wife pleaded guilty to the charges
and were sentenced to life in prison
and in perhaps the greatest miscarriage of justice,
would never live to see a Hemingway look-alike contest.
Of course, none of these lawyers pleadings make any sense.
They are completely illogical.
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