You shouldn't care at all, what others think of you? Oh yeah.
And also your reputation. It's everything. Oh,
and by the way, just be yourself.
So really how concerned should you be about what others think of you
before we get into this? If you find yourself liking this video?
Make sure you give it a thumbs up.
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So if you want to continue what I'm going to explain in this video
much, much more. There is a free PDF in the description of this video,
right below this video. If you look at that description, you'll see a link,
just click that link and it will give you that free PDF.
So I got all this wood. I just chopped right behind me.
I'm in a rural village in Romania and I'm in chopping wood all day. Actually,
no I'm lying. Uh,
this was already here and I just decided to use it as my backdrop,
but hopefully I will be chopping some wood later today.
So the first thing here is to separate validation of self from
external validation. So what do I mean by that?
External validation or things like well,
grades and standards of work at a job to
meet those standards that is external validation. And we have to do that.
You know, if we're studying, we want a degree, we have to pass the grade.
We have to be able to take a test to validate that we have the knowledge that is
required for the diploma. The same thing for work.
You have to meet the standards of the work so that you can keep your job and
that you get raises and promotions. All of those are things that we have to do,
and there's nothing wrong with that. We can't just say, well,
I don't care what other people think,
and then not do a good job or not do our studies.
And then we don't get the validation that is needed to get paid or to get that
diploma or the certification or whatever it is.
But that says nothing about who you are on a personal level that says nothing
about your personal existence, but it's amazing how much we confuse these two.
We think when we don't pass the grade,
when we get turned down for a job promotion or when we don't get the job at all,
we tend to take this very personal and we get confused as to whether or not
this validation has anything to do with.
Maybe we're just not a right fit for a job, or maybe we did fall short.
We didn't study enough,
but that doesn't say that you're not a good enough human being that you don't
deserve to exist, or you don't.
You're not worthy of having all the things that most
people have,
like love and attention and all those wonderful things that every
human being has access to. At any point,
we tend to think that we have to earn those things through validation.
Now this probably comes from our childhood. We are often taught, well,
if you do this or that, then you're a good boy or you're a good girl.
We get confused at an early age about what it means to validate on a personal
level, versus just validating the fact that I worked really hard. Therefore,
you, I achieved this result or, you know, that could be grades, like I said, or,
or a job performance.
This also gets really messy when it is something that's sort of in the personal
realm,
but it still has nothing to do necessarily with who you are as a person who is
existing in the world.
So what I mean by that is when we get turned down for a date, you know,
we ask someone out and they turn us down, or someone breaks up with us.
It's hard not to take that personal.
And we are going to take that personal because there's a lot of feelings
involved. But once again,
that just says that you're not meeting the criteria for that other person.
And it has nothing to do with like a standard or a,
of being good enough or worthy enough. Once again,
this is very hard for people to say, right? As much as possible,
you want to separate these two.
Maybe you're just not a good one for someone else.
Maybe you're just not a good fit for what it is that they want again,
that does not invalidate your existence. Even though it might feel that way,
it feels very personal, but separate the two.
So there is the outside validation,
which is meeting the standard meeting the criteria of something
outside of you. Now, sometimes it just means if you didn't get that validation,
you just need to work harder. It might mean you need to study harder.
It might just mean that you're not a good fit and it's just not going to work
out.
You go find that somewhere else or someone else who appreciates the qualities
that you have. But again, this does not invalidate your existence.
This has come up recently for me as the validate tour,
have most of my life been on the other end,
trying to validate myself for some sort of outside criteria or trying to find
how to validate myself from within and through the past several years of lots
and lots of work that I've done.
I've been able to understand the separation of these two and work on them
separately.
But now I'm in a position of validating others in a way I am certifying coaches
in the self-concept model,
the model that my mentor taught me and endorsed me to continue teaching
he has passed on at this point.
So I'm really the only person who he endorsed to teach this. Therefore,
I'm the only one out there. Who's now certifying coaches.
And we have this first for the first time ever. We it's a beta, uh,
certification cause it's the first time I've ever done it.
And we have a group of coaches who haven't certifying.
And I'm noticing that when they're coming to me as part of their final,
they're giving me demonstrations,
they've done using the self-concept model and I'm having to judge their
performance.
I'm having to tell them what they're doing well and what they're not doing well,
and whether or not they passed. And I'm realizing how personal this can get.
So I'm trying to as much as possible,
separate the two and let them know that this has nothing to do with who they are
are.
And that it's just a matter of knowledge and practice and that no matter what
I'm going to help them get there, but being on this end of it is new for me.
And it's, I'm trying to as much as possible,
make that separation for them. And hopefully they understand as well.
What's interesting is when I reflect back on when my mentor was still alive and
he was mentoring me, one of the things that was very about him was he,
he would not speak to your ego. He really didn't care.
And he wasn't trying to be nasty about it. He wasn't trying to be mean about it,
but when he gave me feedback, it was so incredibly direct.
I had to remind myself that he was not trying to hurt my feelings or he
wasn't so cold that he didn't care about my feelings.
He cared about the work and he cared about making me a better
at this model.
He cared about making me better as a person using his feedback to help me
become the person I wanted to be. And it was an extraordinary thing to,
to be mentored by him. And it was sort of like, I just had to take it. It was,
it was direct. Sometimes it felt bitter.
He never meant it as being bitter. He was never a bitter person about it,
but he left it up to me to sort those things out for myself.
And it actually helped because, because he did not sort of,
he wasn't gentle with my ego.
It helped me understand the difference between the two.
He was just trying to give me the best feedback you could possibly give me to
help me learn and to help me be the person I want it to be to help me become
better. Once you separate these two,
the outside validation for the standard of work or your performance from the
personal,
then things will get a lot easier and you should absolutely seek to be
validated for something that is important to you.
If it's a performance or if it's work, or if it's grades you,
you want to meet that, that, that Mark, whatever the, whatever the standard is,
you want to do that. If that, if this is important to you,
especially if it's something that you're passionate about,
you want to meet that standard. You want to meet that Mark. And if possible,
maybe even exceeded that is perfectly normal to want to do that.
As long as you keep it from being personal. And this is the trick, this is the,
this is, this is very difficult.
And just because sometimes we mess up sometimes and we take it personal and we
try as hard as we possibly can not to take it personal.
Sometimes that's resistance hitting resistance.
The best thing to do with this is just think of it as a new challenge.
Like there's just been something new exposed within you that you have some sort
of connection that you need to understand better,
that you're making this erroneous connection between what is external and what
is personal. And the more you can shine light on that, the better.
So when you're challenged that way, when you do encounter that,
where somebody turns you down for a date, you don't get the job.
You don't make the grade. And it feels very personal. Don't resist that.
Don't say, I shouldn't feel this Damon on YouTube said,
I shouldn't feel this way. No, no, no. It's,
it's an opportunity to then realize, Oh wow. I,
somewhere in my unconscious, I'm making this erroneous connection.
Now I get to locate it. Now I know a little bit better where it's at.
And so now I can go in and say, okay, where is this happening?
And start questioning it. Does this really say anything about my worth?
Does this really say anything about how good I am or how not good I am?
And if you really look at it and you ask those questions,
it's this thing starts to fall apart.
You're able to make that separation easily.
This is an outside validation. It says nothing about validating,
who I am on the personal level when we personalize things,
especially when we personalize things that are external,
that external validation when we don't get it.
And when we feel that personalization about it,
understand that that is a form of self-importance.
Now I'm not going to go into a whole description of what I mean by that.
It doesn't necessarily mean arrogance self-importance can be the opposite is
when self-importance is always personalizing it.
Whether you're doing it in an arrogant way,
or you're doing it in a way that you feel like you're not good enough,
or you're less than.
So I've done a video where I talk more about self-importance and I will link
that video to this video in the description,
and probably right here on the corner of the screen,
when it comes to validating yourself.
So now we're shifting from the outside validation to the internal validation.
When it comes to validating yourself,
make sure you put the locus of control inside you. So what is locus of control?
Locus of control is a Meta program in NLP.
And it's where you place authority as the authority outside of you,
or as the authority inside of you.
You definitely want to put the locus of control outside of you. Sometimes,
especially for example, when I was learning from my mentor,
I took the locus of control outside of me. And I gave him the authority.
If I had maintained that inner authority,
then I probably wouldn't have learned anything.
So I take the locus of control outside of myself. I give it to him.
He's now the authority in what he's teaching me, because it was technology,
mental technology that he created. So sometimes it's good to do that.
And it's really important just to just have that flexibility,
to know where the locus of control is when you step into a situation and then
ask yourself,
where is it most important for that locus of control to be now a hundred percent
when it comes to validating yourself that locus of control is best inside of
you. You are the only expert of you.
You were the only person who can truly validate you.
If you ever take that locus of control outside of yourself and give it to
someone else. When it comes to self validation,
when it comes to validation of your sense of self, you know,
this is on the deeply personal level.
Anytime you put that outside of yourself and you give it to someone else or
something else, you will feel it. It will feel insecure.
You will feel insecure and it will suffering will come out of that.
So always when it comes to validating yourself,
you put that locus of control inside you, you are the only expert of you.
You are the only one who can validate whether or not you are fulfilling.
Your own values are not.
You are the only one who can truly validate whether or not you're living up to
your potential. We can get outside feedback for help. That's helpful,
but no outside feedback can validate or not validate that for you.
So there might be endless ways in which I can fulfill my potential.
There's endless ways in which you can fulfill your potential.
But if it's why go chasing one of these ways, one of these potentials,
if you don't enjoy that, or if it doesn't fulfill you,
then you don't want to do that.
But many of us will go chasing potential in ways that we don't value
because we're confused.
We don't know what are our own personal values versus the values of our culture,
our society,
although all of those external institutions understand what your personal values
are, what your highest personal values are,
especially break this up into different contexts in your life.
What is really important to you in your career?
What is really important to you in your relationship?
You want to elicit those values and you want to elicit the criteria for those
values. How do I know when I have these values,
what do I need to do in order to experience the fulfillment of my own personal
values? That is the only validation, self validation that matters.
And so you might be wondering, well, how do I learn how to do this?
I have that free PDF that I mentioned earlier in this video,
in the description below, when you get your hands on that free PDF,
it will show you how to elicit your values and how to elicit criteria of those
values that becomes your.
Roadmap to self-validation.
It becomes your roadmap to how to live a fulfilling life,
how to discover the things that do fulfill you, how to discover your potential,
especially the potential as it relates to what is going to do it for you.
What do you really enjoy? Because like I said, you have endless potential.
So where do, where do you start? What pathway did you take?
This bugged me for the longest time, not just bug me this,
I tortured myself over this. I was like, I don't know what to do.
I don't know what my purpose is. I don't know what my meaning is.
I was constantly looking for it outside of myself.
And it wasn't until I looked into myself and started to listening to my own
personal values and an understanding what really does it for me.
And that might take a process of discovery of saying, okay, well,
I know I value say success, or I know I value peace, happiness,
any of these things, well, how do I go about fulfilling that? What do I,
how do I, how do I do that? That's the journey. That's where you start saying,
okay, well, I don't know. So I'm going to go try a bunch of things.
And some things are going to work and some things are not going to work,
but the more things I try, the more things I will find that do work, that, that,
that does fulfill me. And so I just keep collecting that over the years,
over my life, really focusing my life on the things that I really enjoy,
and it really fulfill me. And it's the 80 20 rule.
You start taking that 20% of life.
The things that you spend time on that fulfill you,
and you look at the 80% of the things that you're doing in your life,
and that really aren't contributing to your fulfillment.
And then your life becomes both an art project and a science project where you
find ways to include more and more of the things that you do want to do,
that the things I do fulfill you. And so you start moving that 20 and 80,
you start flipping it and you start spending 80% of your life doing things that
fulfill you and the other 20%, you know,
we're always going to have those things that don't fulfill us like doing our
taxes. You know, all those things that are just not fun, but we have to do,
but you can find ways to do work that fulfills you. And you can,
you can find ways, uh, to find people who,
when you spend time with them,
that you feel fulfilled rather than not good enough.
Your life turns into a journey of spending more and more time
finding and creating more and more ways to become fulfilled because you now
personally validate yourself. You don't give that power up to anyone else.
Like I said,
if you want to take this further and make sure you check out that link down in
the description below, also, if you liked this video,
make sure you give it a thumbs up.
And if you haven't already make sure you click that subscribe button and the
bell. So you'll be notified when I put new videos out and last but not least,
if you can think of a friend or a family member who would benefit from watching
this video, make sure you share it with them. Take care.
Okay. So this is the demonstration. Okay. So you don't like that
and like that in many times, and it's hard.
Yay.
Good.