- I really feel like I should have said something earlier.
I was thinking about creating this video for months.
You guys, honestly months.
And I know I came on TikTok a couple of weeks ago,
or actually maybe a week ago,
Lord only knows and talked about how I was having a really
bad day and feeling overwhelmed.
And I decided to share this because you guys know,
I don't usually do videos about myself.
It's more about you and how I can help.
But I think we just need to talk about,
or I needed to talk about
how overwhelming the past year and a half has been.
And some of it's the definitely the pandemic,
I think to not talk about that it's kind of
to just ignore one of the, a huge trauma.
And I know a lot of people might hear that
and think Katie, you are overreacting,
or it's not really traumatic,
what's traumatic about it?
And the more I researched for my book "Traumatize"
that's available now, it comes out in September.
But when I was researching for that,
the more I read, the more I realized
that we don't even know what trauma is as a society.
We downplay trauma, real trauma and pretend
that trauma is only these big things like a car crash.
Or I went to war, we think of trauma like that.
And the pandemic was a threat to all of us
and we were all traumatized.
Yet, the thing that kind of sucks for me
and maybe for some of you, is that like,
nothing really changed for me,
even though my entire world was changed.
Meaning like I always,
worked from home most days for YouTube stuff.
And a lot of my stuff
is I can easily do things online, right?
I didn't lose my job.
Nobody that I love died from COVID.
And for a huge swath of time, I did a video about this,
how I felt that I didn't really have the right to be upset
or be having a hard time
because my life wasn't changed that much.
And I felt really selfish to even think
that I was having a hard time.
Like I didn't have a right to.
And anyway, I felt like that for a really long time.
And I talked about it a little bit,
but I'll be honest with you all.
I didn't really do anything to change.
Most of my coping skills were shut down for COVID like,
you guys know, I love yoga and I would go do that,
like at least three times a week.
And I would meet up with my girlfriends
for drinks and food and to catch up and to vent
about what's going on.
And that was very limited.
Like a lot of my friends have kids and because the kids,
you have to go into these little pods to go to school,
they weren't seeing anybody.
And so I've really just had a hard time.
I've had a hard time coping.
Then Sean and I moved to Texas
and that's moving stressful
and all the while just continuing to work.
And I know I did a whole God damn series about burnout.
Like I'm aware of what it is and I know how to combat it.
Yet, I haven't taken the action to do it.
And it feels like even though things are,
I mean, they were opening back up
now I don't even know what's happening.
It just feels like everything is always very uncertain.
And I haven't been able to see my family as much
or Sean's family at all.
And it's just, it's been hard.
And the reason that I wanted to make this video, sorry.
It took me forever to even get around to this
is because I was on a call the other week
with a lovely human.
They didn't mean anything by this,
but we were talking about things that I wanna do, right?
'Cause there's still a lot of stuff that I wanna do.
Like I have an anxiety workbook I created forever ago
and I just keep forgetting
to even let you guys know about it.
And then all of the stuff I've created says,
available July and it's like August, like Jesus,
like it just keeps happening.
Anyway, I was on this call to try to get some support
so that someone can essentially help me make sense
of what I wanna do and make it happen,
and help me make that happen.
And she asked a very plain question.
She said, "Do you even enjoy what you do anymore?
I was watching some of your recent videos
and I just didn't know if you actually enjoy it."
And it kind of,
it hurt my feelings a little bit.
And it also just was like the,
almost the reality check that I needed to be like,
"Hey, Katie, people might be feeling
the fact that you're really overwhelmed
and you're really overworked.
And you're like not taking your own advice."
And I always try to be real with you guys.
I don't want you to think that like,
just because I know better, I always do better.
I've been pretty clear about that.
Like, I don't always do better
and I haven't been taking care of myself.
And I've been working a lot,
even though life stuff is stressful on top
of like the world stress of pandemic,
life and chaos and stuff like that.
Anyway, when she asked me that,
of course my answer was yes.
But then after that call,
I just sat with myself for a minute and I was like,
let's think about this.
Let's like, assess what's going on.
Like, do you really enjoy it?
And what do you enjoy?
What do you not enjoy?
And how can we adjust?
And part of it is that I love connecting
with each and every one of you.
I love the live streams we do on Patreon
are honestly such breaths in for me
that I look forward to them as we lead up.
It's like, I cannot wait for them to get there.
And I cannot wait for Hangouts and things that I get to do
with so many of you.
I really look forward to that.
But I think this push to continue to create
when I felt really depleted
was me pouring out of an empty cup over and over,
week after week.
And I just wanted to let you know,
I'm sorry, if you felt that through the videos,
if you're like,
I don't even think she likes doing this anymore.
I don't even know if she enjoys it, I do.
This is some of the most fulfilling work
I've ever done in my entire life.
But I haven't been taking my own advice.
I haven't been taking my therapist advice.
I know I'm in a new state.
I need to find a new therapist.
Like it's I know that I'm doing it.
And I just wanted to just come on here
and talk about it in case any of you are feeling this way,
because I brought that up at another call with some people
that I work with all the time.
And one other person was saying, yeah,
I feel completely burnt out.
And even though I've taken like some vacations,
like time off, we weren't able to go anywhere
we normally would go.
We aren't able to do anything we normally would do.
And I was just like, same,
like Sean and I did take one week in 2020 off.
And we went to Palm Springs.
But one of the things I love about Palm Springs
is like going out to the pool and talking with people
and going to a new restaurant and hearing
where people are from and what they're doing.
And that's breath in for me.
Usually after VidCon every year,
when I get to see all of your wonderful faces
and I feel so charged up, but also tired, right?
'Cause that's a lot of energy out.
Sean and I will go in to Palm Springs for a week
and kind of recharge, couldn't do that this year.
There was no VidCon.
I never got to connect.
And I know all of this comes
from a very privileged standpoint.
Again, I recognize right.
I know that.
And I don't want you to think that I don't recognize it,
but it doesn't mean that I don't feel bad
and I don't feel overwhelmed and just exhausted.
And almost like there's just no break, right?
And people are each other's throats about certain issues
and fighting over things that honestly,
I think we're just angry because we've been isolated.
That's the biggest thing for me, isolation so painful.
And yes, I know I live with my husband.
I'm very fortunate,
I didn't live alone during the pandemic.
But I crave the time with my friends
where I used to sit down and catch up and vent
and get support and offer support back.
That type of connection is something
that I'm missing in connection with family.
There are so many things that just couldn't happen,
didn't happen, that I don't,
I feel like I'm just now acknowledging the waves
of hurt and overwhelm that I sustained.
and they're still coming.
That's another thing too.
And I think that's why I kind of put off making this video.
'Cause it feels exhausting.
I feel overwhelmed and it feels like it's still happening.
So I'm like, well, I don't even know.
I don't even know how to put my thoughts together
because it still feels like I'm in it.
Like I'm still in the battle.
And I don't know if any of you are also feeling this way,
but I'm just,
it come up on a bunch of calls
and I've been feeling overworked and overwhelmed.
And I've been trying to take better care of myself,
but it's really hard.
And then we had family in town and it's harder to take time,
but I'm gonna make a pledge to you
that I'm gonna do better.
That I'm gonna take better care of myself
so that I won't be pouring from an empty cup all the time,
that I will be pouring from a pitcher that's overflowing.
And if you had been thinking that I wasn't enjoying things
or feeling like I'm not in tune or engaged,
obviously I'm human too.
And I get hateful messages online from time to time
and that stuff does wear on me and it is overwhelming,
but that's not really what's going on.
It's more the fact that I had I as well,
a lot of us had a ton of stress this last year
and because things have been changing
and I wasn't able to use the tools
and the coping skills that I had depended on for years
to keep me going.
I'm just feeling that now.
And the overwhelm of that has probably seeped into things
that I've done.
And so I really just wanted to share this so that
if you're out there and you're thinking,
but I should be fine,
nothing really happened to me and everything
should be okay.
Things are getting better.
Why do I feel this way?
Because we survived a trauma.
We were like at, in a very intense
and overwhelming situation and still are.
And I think that's really the response I'm having.
I'm having, like what I know through my research
for my new book, which is ironic
is that I'm in a trauma response.
And I haven't been able to get to safety
so that I can feel okay.
And that's why it's encouraging everybody
to do with these body shakes and checking
in with each other,
because it's been a lot and I don't wanna belabor this.
I don't wanna stretch this out,
but I just want you to know that
if you're struggling too, know that I feel it.
And I think something that we need to normalize,
especially right now is just taking more breaks
because of how stressful something is in the moment.
And instead it's like most of us just put our heads down
and got back to work,
kept ourselves busier than ever to distract.
And it's really just overwhelming.
And I have been feeling burnt out and I promise
to take better care of myself and be a good example.
And hopefully you'll check in with yourself
and do the same too.
But anyways, I just wanted to put this out there
so that I can hopefully normalize
any of the things you might be feeling.
'Cause it's been super overwhelming.
And then even going back to work feels like its own trauma
and its own over like sense of overwhelm.
For a lot of people I've been hearing
from a ton of people that you get used to being at home
and know it's hard to go out, right?
Like we talk about FOMO and now we're talking about FOGO,
like fear of going out.
And I felt that too,
and it's just a lot of adjustment.
In therapy, we would call that adjustment disorder, right?
When you have a big life change and things
are drastically shifted on you,
it takes time for you to adjust.
And if you can't, you have adjustment disorder.
And I think a lot of us have adjustment disorder as well.
It's just been overwhelming.
And I just wanted to give some context
if you've been feeling like I haven't been as present
or if I haven't been as maybe excited or energized.
Know that I do love you.
I do love what I do.
It's super fulfilling and I plan to continue doing it.
I just should've said something earlier,
but that's why some of the things like have fallen through
the cracks like workbooks.
And I should be talking about my book more,
let you know what it is.
And I should be doing a lot of other things,
but I'm not gonna shoot on myself so much.
I'm gonna try to breathe, get some help,
ask for help when I need it, which is right now.
And hopefully you all just see the change,
but thanks for listening.
Thanks for letting me vent and let me know,
how are you doing?
I'd love for us to share in the comments,
I'll be in them talking as much as I can
because this sometimes it feels good to just know
you're not alone.
So if that helps know that I'm right there with you, okay?
Take care of yourself.
I'm gonna try to do that myself
and I will see you next time.