Riley: Please, don't try this at home!
Jory: Get your pet spayed or neutered!
Jon: Huh?!
Jory: You can always just microwave it!
Riley: NO!
Jon: No, don't do that...
Hello, and welcome to "Is It a Good Idea to Microwave This?" I'm your host, Jory Caron.
*Riley sings "Baby" to Justin Bieber doll during Jory's introduction*
Jory: Riley? Riley?!
*Riley stops singing in embarrassment*
Uh, and I'm your sidekick, Riley McIlwain.
Riley: (flustered) You didn't see anything, did you, Jory?
Jory: No, Riley, I did not see you singing lovingly to that Justin Bieber doll.
Riley: Good!
*theme song plays*
Jory: It smells like victory!
Jory: All hands to the deck!
Jory: Nobody likes roasted nuts!
Jory and Jon: WHOA!
Jory: You got that on camera, right?
Riley: I don't trust this bitch!
Jon: Are you out of your mind?!
Jory: The masks- they do nothing!
Riley: You TOTALLY could have died!
Riley: The tin foil shield- it actually worked!
Jory: Stopping, stopping!
Riley and Playlist Live crowd: 3.5!
Jon: YEAH!
Jory: Is it a good idea to microwave this?
Jory: Let's find out! Here at the Jory Caron Microwave Laboratory...
Riley: (in high-pitched Bieber doll voice) Here at the Jory Caron Microwave Laboratory, safety is our #1 concern.
Riley: (still in high-pitched Bieber voice) That's why we hide behind this giant tin foil shield to protect my nuts, because only Kim Kardashian likes my nuts!
*Riley "screams" as the Bieber doll*
Jory: We also have this, uh, Emerson microwave named Emily or something or other.
Jory: Let's microwave him before he pisses me off any more!
Riley: (as Bieber doll) Oops! My shirt fell off!
Jory: No, no!
Jory: No, this is how we're gonna treat him!
*all laugh*
Jory: (laughing) Oh, whoops!
Jory: (laughing) OH! Whoops!
*Riley laughs hard*
Jory: Can you stuff his leg into that hole?
Riley: We need to take his pants off! (laughs)
Jory: Are we just raping him?! We're raping Justin Bieber!
Jon: Why does he have blue underwear?!
Jory: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Take it!
*Jory and Riley laugh*
Jon: Justin Bieber, exposed!
Jory: Trust me, trust me!
*Riley laughs hysterically*
Jory: I wonder how long we should microwave him?
Riley: Let's do 7:77.
Jon: 'Cause I'm in heaven when I'm listening to Bieber!
Jory: What?!
Jory: (singing to tune of "Baby") I'm in heaven, heaven...
Riley: (takes over singing for Jory) ...heaven, OH! I'm, like...
Jory: Fine, let's do this!
Jon: Alright!
*sound bite of Bieber's "oh"s from beginning of "Baby"*
Jon: Say "goodbye" to Bieber, ladies!
Riley: (in high-pitched Bieber voice) 'Bye!
Jon: He's about to get roasted, toasted, and burned to a crisp!
Riley: Look at those roasted nuts!
Jory: We should have wrapped tin foil around his nuts.
Riley: Just to roast them?
Jory: 'Cause he's hot right now! Not because he's being microwaved, but because he has a Bieber Fever!
Jory: What's your favorite Justin Bieber song?
Riley: "Baby."
Jon: I only know "Baby," so we'll have to say "Baby."
Riley: It's "I Like Getting Touched by Usher"!
*Jory and Riley chuckle*
Jon: Alright, guys, so honest opinion- what do you think of Justin Bieber? Is he actually talented, a huge waste of space, overrated, or the greatest thing that ever lived?
Riley: What IS his talent?
Jory: He is HUGELY talented.
Jon: Is he?
Jory: Yeah.
Jon: Have you seen "Never Say Never, 3D"?
Jory: No!
Jory: Oh, wait- his back is dropping, just like his balls!
Jory: If you could be in a video with Justin Bieber, would you?
Riley: Yeah!
Jory: I would, too!
Jon: Yeah, especially if it came with all the fame.
Riley: All the 16-year-old whores?
*Emily gives soft click*
Jon: What just happened?!
Riley: Justin Bieber killed the microwave! Son of a bitch!
Jory: [Beep] that son of a bitch!
Riley: Bitch! Let's go in there and beat the piss out of him!
Jon: Alright, let him have it, boys!
Jory: (to Riley) Hold that.
Jon: (to Bieber doll) What did you do to Emily?!
Jon: You know what happened? She just, like... She's in a coma now!
Riley: Oh, my God! His legs came off!
*Jory laughs*
Jory: And then his two little stumps were just wiggling there!
Jory: I just wanna finish him off, you know?
*Riley laughs*
Jory: Go, go, go!
*Jon "screams" as Bieber doll*
Jory: Go, go, go! (laughs)
Jory: He killed our microwave!
Riley: Wait, Jory.
Jory: That son of a bitch!
Riley: Just wait, Jory.
Jory: What are we getting?
Jory: (to Riley) Here- light his clothes on fire! Hold on a sec.
Jon: Have fun in Hell!
Riley: It was nice knowin'...
Jory: His clothes are covered in oil!
Riley: Die, Bieber, die!
Jory: (to Bieber doll) Oh, how's that hit single?
Riley: How you feelin' now, Bieber, huh?
Jory: #1 most-viewed video!
Jon: Suck on THAT, Bieber!
Jory: Aw, how do you like that? Ooh!
Riley: Oh, yeah! Is it a little hot for you, Justin, huh? A little hot?
Jory: So, you may be wondering, is it a good idea to microwave Justin Bieber?
Riley: Yeah!
Jory: I don't know. Well, microwave- maybe not. But setting him on fire is definitely pretty cool!
Jon: Do you know how many different chemicals are in there?!
Jory: Yeah, we should probably put it out.
That's about it for this episode of "Is It a Good Idea to Microwave This?" I'm your host, Jory Caron.
*end credits play*
*funeral montage music plays*
Jory: Look at that microwave over there!
Jory: It's an Emerson microwave!
Jory: What's her name? Emily?
Riley: Emily!
Riley: Look at those roasted nuts!
Jon: I like it dripped all over my head, boiling hot!
*hair spray in oil explodes*
Jon: WHOA!
Jory: Bacon, 900 watts!
Jon: What the heck is all this jizz here?!
*funeral montage music ends*
Jon: Here we go, fellas! Ready? 5... 4... 3... 2...
*Click on episode #59 to see why Sandra knows that there's nothing hotter than a severe burn problem with skin grafts!*