Tonight on Channel Six Skitzo News Live:
How you should dress for the upcoming week.
Once again, the World Cup takes over television ratings.
Is Ed Sheeran really doing jail time for a failed DUI test?
And stick around for a sit down interview with an ex-member
of one of the deadliest gangs in Gangsville.
Coming to you tonight on Channel Six.
(news theme)
Good evening.
I'm Ryan Higa and this is Channel Six Skitzo News Live.
We did not realize that by naming our program Skitzo News Live
it would have the abbreviation "SNL",
which some of you may know stands for another television program
known as...Super Nova Lochness,
a Sci-Fi original.
And also, Secret Ninja Lizards on Nickolodeon.
And, of course, the ever-popular Salmon Never Lies,
only on Alaska TV.
We also didn't realize that by naming our station Channel Six
that we'd have a 666 on our set, which some people believe
to be a demonic number also related to the Illuminati.
Well, what we say to those people:
That's a bunch of Illumi-Nonsense.
And also because we're not gonna change the entire set
because of a bunch of numbers.
Like, that's gonna be a lot of work for nothing.
(laugh track)
Tonight we have many exciting stories for you,
but first let's go to one of those angry and confusing four ways
split-screen debates about something probably political.
Angry guys?
(heated arguments overlap each other)
All very good points.
Summer is right around the corner!
Summer?
And once again, it's that time of the year
when temperatures start to rise.
How should you dress for this upcoming week?
Here's Regina with the forecast.
Thanks, Ryan!
As you can see here, we're gonna have lots of green all week,
showing that summer is finally here.
So make sure you drink lots of water 'cause it looks like
it's--we have no other colors, so it's 100% all green, meaning
it's gonna be 100 degreens fear-of-heights [100° Fahrenheit]
all week. Back to school, Ryan!
What?
And now let's see what's happening in the athletic world.
Here's Hanate with sports.
(broken English) In sport news, the World Cup is finally started.
First, Brazil beat the Croatia.
Then then United...States said they are gonna win!
And then the Spur win the NBA World Cup
when all of a sudden Lebron cramp the leg and fall down
from the Heat.
But now the question remain on everybody mind:
Who take home the World Cup of Feet?
Does things start to get messy in Argentina?
Does Portugal-down once they Ronaldo-ideas? [Ronaldo-ideas=run out of ideas]
And, finally, does Lebron James still cramp the leg
and fall down or no cramp the leg and no fall down?
Nobody know!
Looks like we just have to wait and see.
Thanks, Hanate.
Is famous singer Ed Sheeran really doing jail time
for failing a DUI test?
We have actual footage from the scene.
Take a look.
(police murmur over radio)
Late night drive, sir?
It's late in the evenin'.
You know why I pulled you over?
- I don't want to know! - Sir.
You've been doing any drinking tonight?
Even if I were drunk, would I let you know? Noooo!
Sir, I'm gonna need you to step out of the car and walk this line, please.
Nooooo!
Sir, step out of the car and walk this line, please.
Walk the line please, sir.
Walk!
Whoa-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Whoa-hoo-hoo!
Big fan. Huge fan.
That'll do.
And now let's go to R-Dizzle with:
You Know What Really Pisses Me Off?
R-Dizzle?
You know what really pisses me off?
Japanese television game shows.
Why they always gotta have that little box in the corner
with somebody reacting to the show?
I'm not trying to watch someone reacting to the show!
I just want to watch the show!
I don't need somebody telling me how I should react
when I watch the show.
I know I said the word "show" way too many times
in the same paragraph, but I'm to, with emphasis,
on this Japanese television game show!
You know what I mean, though?!
Fo' sho'.
And, finally, for our main story of the evening, I have
a sit-down interview with a man once a part of a very violent
and dangerous gang, and what life is like after escaping
that horrific group. Let's take a look.
First of all, I just want to say thank you for doing this.
I know it's not easy to speak out about something so private.
(unnaturally deep voice) Of course, of course.
Let's start with the basics. Tell us your name,
what you do, where you live.
I'd actually prefer not to give that information out and remain anonymous.
Oh no, that's fine. We'll probably just put
it at the bottom of the screen anyway.
Wait, no. I don't want you to--
So, tell me Steven, what has life been like as an ex-convict?
- I'm not an ex-con! - I'm sorry, ex-murderer.
Wait, what? I'm not a murderer either.
- Ex-rapist. - What? No! I've never--
- Ex-pedo. - What're you talking about?!
- Ex-Exorcist? -W-What?!
- X-Men. - What?
So then you are still a part of the gang, then?
Um, now I'm literally in hiding right now.
I didn't think I'd ever get out of there alive.
I don't even know what they'll do to me if they ever find me--
I'm sorry, can you hold that thought?
Hey, can we fix Steven's audio? His voice is coming in all deep and weird.
- No! No! No, please! - Can we fix that?
I don't want--(voice become normal) my voice to be heard on...
Oh god.
And who the hell did lighting today? I can't even see his face!
- Turn up the lights! - No, no, no! Please!
If they find out where I am, I'm--
(whimpering)
Steven? Steven? Where're you go--
The interview is not--
Steven Johnson! Steven A. Johnson!
The interview is not over!
Truly...inspirational.
Best of luck to you, Steven A. Johnson
of 42 3rd Street, downtown LA, apartment 6b.
So that's all we have for you tonight.
From all of us at Channel Six Skitzo News Live,
thank you for tuning in and have a wonderful--
(morse code beeps)
Breaking news! This just in.
- It seems we-- - (morse code keeps beeping)
- It seems that we ha-- - (morse code beeps)
- It seems that-- - (morse code beeps, beeps, beeps)
Cut it.
It seems that Steven Johnson, the man I just interviewed,
is in a live foot chase with a bunch of gang members.
We're not sure who or why yet, but...
Oh no.
Oh, I-I'm now being told that the chase is over.
Steven has collapsed from dehydration and now
the gang is beating him to death.
(sighing) That's awful.
But I suppose there's a moral to every story.
And something you kids can learn from Steven.
Summer is hot,
so make sure you stay cool,
and always be sure to--
drink lots of water or else you're going to--
cramp the leg and fall down!
Fo' sho'.
So, once again, from all of us at Channel Six Skitzo News Live,
thank you for watching, be safe, stay hydrated,
we're not the Illuminati, goodnight.
(news theme song)
Hey! Hey, look at my silhouette!
It looks kinda like an eyeball.
What does that mean?
Weird.
TEE HEE!
(silence)
Hey, look! It looks like an eyeball.
- (giggling off set) - Hey, look! With a moving pupil.
Now it's an Asian eyeball.
Now it's mad! (laughter)
See Seattle Seahawks?
The bird's eye?
Eye of Sauron. Sau-ron?
Remember that?
Look, he's like...
You see how it's looking around?
Japanese Eye of Sauron.
(laughter)
Aw man, we're probably gonna get killed.
don't kill us