WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT, AND I'VE GOT TO SAY IT'S GOOD TO
BE BACK.
WE WERE ON BREAK LAST WEEK.
I HAD A MARVELOUS TIME, FROM WHAT I REMEMBER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THE PRESIDENT HAS FLED THE COUNTRY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) KNOWING WE WERE BACK ON THE AIR!
HE'S ON THE SECOND LEG OF A FOUR-NATION TOUR WE'RE
CALLING -- >> WHY IN THE WORLD IS DONALD
TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: AT THIS VERY
MOMENT, DONALD TRUMP IS IN LONDON ON AN OFFICIAL STATE
VISIT, AND TODAY WAS FULL OF ROYAL MIXERS, INCLUDING THIS
AFTERNOON, WHEN "TRUMP AND THE FIRST LADY HAD AFTERNOON TEA
WITH PRINCE CHARLES AND WIFE CAMILLA."
(AS TRUMP) "HEY, YOU'RE THE GUY THAT TAGGED
PRINCESS DI, RIGHT?
UP TOP!
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE TO BRAG
ABOUT THIS, BUT I DATED HER FOR A WHILE.
OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S TRUE.
ME AND MOBY BOTH DATED HER.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH, WOW.
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: HE DATED QUEEN
ALAMADALLA, SORRY ABOUT THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP ALSO MET WITH THE QUEEN,
AND GREETED HER WITH THE CEREMONIAL FIST BUMP.
>> Jon: COME ON, MAN!
>> Stephen: HE GOT THE CLASSIC ROYAL TOUR,
COMPLETE WITH A REVIEW OF THE FAMOUS ROYAL GUARDSMAN.
(AS TRUMP) "HOW DO YOU GET THAT HEIGHT IN
YOUR HAIRDO?
WHAT DO YOU DO?
I CANNOT IMAGINE HOW MUCH AQUA NET YOU'VE GOT UP THERE.
NOBODY SMOKE.
NOBODY SMOKE AROUND THIS GUY.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN, THERE WAS AN EXCHANGE OF
GIFTS.
QUEEN ELIZABETH GAVE TRUMP A FIRST-EDITION COPY OF
CHURCHILL'S WORLD WAR II BOOK.
(AS TRUMP) LOOK, THANK YOU SO MUCH, BUT
DON'T TELL ME HOW IT ENDS.
I'M REALLY LIKING THAT GERMAN CHARLIE CHAPLIN WHO INVENTED THE
HIGH FIVE!
( LAUGHTER ) REALLY, I FORGET HIS NAME --
>> Jon: WHAT?!
( PIANO RIFF ) WOW!
>> Stephen: WE'RE OFF TO A GOOD START!
FIRST NIGHT BACK AFTER VACATION.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THE QUEEN ALSO LED TRUMP ON A TOUR OF THE ROYAL COLLECTION
WHERE HE LEARNED ABOUT BRITISH HISTORY.
(AS TRUMP) "ENOUGH BOOKS, LIZ.
( LAUGHTER ) BORING.
SHOW ME THE WIZARDS."
( LAUGHTER ) I KNOW YOU'VE GOT THEM AROUND
HERE SOMEPLACE.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: JARED AND IVANKA WERE THERE.
NOT WITH THEIR DAD.
THEY WERE TOO BUSY HAUNTING BUCKINGHAM PALACE.
(AS GHOST STORY) ( LAUGHTER )
YES, CHILDREN -- SOMETIMES, AT NIGHT, IF YOU
LISTEN CLOSELY, YOU CAN STILL HEAR THEM HAVING NO BUSINESS
BEEEEING THEEEEERE.
( LAUGHTER ) WHOOOOOOO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )Ñi
BUT TRUMP'S SUPER FUN LONDON FIELD TRIP ISN'T OVER YET.
THIS EVENING, HE AND HIS FAMILY ATTENDED A FORMAL DINNER WITH
THE QUEEN.
AND, I'VE GOT TO SAY, THIS SEASON OF "THE CROWN" HAS REALLY
JUMPED THE SHARK.
( LAUGHTER ) AT THE BANQUET, TRUMP BRIEFLY
STOPPED EATING TO GIVE SOME REMARKS.
>> IN APRIL 1945, NEWSPAPERS FEATURED A PICTURE OF THE QUEEN
MOTHER VISITING THE WOMAN'S BRANCH OF THE ARMY AND WATCHING
A YOUNG WOMAN REPAIR A MILITARY TRUCK ENGINE.
THAT YOUNG MECHANIC WAS THE FUTURE QUEEN.
A GREAT, GREAT WOMAN.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) GREAT, GREAT WOMAN.
NOT VERY SMART, THOUGH.
SHE COULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF THE WHOLE WORLD WAR II THING BY
FAKING A BONE SPUR.
OKAY, THINK ABOUT IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THE WHOLE TRUMP CARAVAN WAS THERE, INCLUDING TREASURY
SECRETARY STEVE MNUCHIN, WHO WALKED TO THE ROYAL BANQUET
ALONGSIDE DUCHESS KATE.
(AS MNUCHIN) "PRINCESS, IF YOU WOULD JUST
KISS ME, I WILL STILL BE A GIANT FROG."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
BUT THE BRITS DENIED HIM ONE BIG HONOR.
UNLIKE HIS PREDECESSOR, TRUMP WON'T BE STAYING OVERNIGHT AT
BUCKINGHAM PALACE, AND INSTEAD, HE WILL STAY AT WINFIELD HOUSE,
THE STATELY HOME OF U.S.
AMBASSADOR WOODY JOHNSON.
YES, "WOODY JOHNSON."
( LAUGHTER ) MAYBE THE MOST MEMORABLE
DIPLOMAT NAME SINCE 1920S AMBASSADOR, HUGH G. MEMBER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE A NICE PERSON.
I DON'T KNOW.
I'M SORRY.
SO MUCH NICER ON THIS SHOW, BUT IT'S NOT PERSONAL, FOLKS.
IT'S JUST THAT BUCKINGHAM PALACE IS REPORTEDLY UNABLE TO HOST THE
TRUMPS BECAUSE OF ONGOING RENOVATION WORK THAT BEGAN IN
2016.
(AS ROYAL AIDE) "OH, MR. PRESIDENT,
MR. PRESIDENT, SO SORRY, WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU STAY HERE,Ñi BU
THE CHIMNEY SWEEPS ARE CLEANING THE
LOO.
IT WON'T BE DONE UNTIL 2020 OR, GOD HELP US, 2024."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRUMP HADN'T EVEN GOTTEN TO MERRY OLDE FOGGY TOWN BEFORE THE
INTERNATIONAL CAT FIGHT BEGAN.
BECAUSE IN AN INTERVIEW ON SATURDAY WITH BRITISH TABLOID
"THE SUN," TRUMP WAS ASKED ABOUT THE DUCHESS OF SUSSEX, MEGHAN
MARKLE AND SAID THIS -- >> SHE SAID SHE'D MOVE TO CANADA
IF YOU GOT ELECTED.
TURNED OUT SHE MOVED TO BRITAIN.
>> WELL, THAT'D BE GOOD.
THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE MOVING HERE, SO WHAT CAN I SAY?
NO, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT SHE WAS NASTY.
>> Stephen: WHAAAAAAT?!
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT EXACTLY ETIQUETTE TO
CALL A MEMBER OF THE ROYAL FAMILY NASTY, ESPECIALLY RIGHT
BEFORE YOU VISIT THE U.K.
THAT'S LIKE R.S.V.P.-ING TO A WEDDING, "THE BRIDE SUCKS.
I'LL HAVE THE FISH."
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN THE OUTRAGE STARTED OVER
THERE, TRUMP IMMEDIATELY TWEETED A SINCERE AND HEARTFELT LIE,
"I NEVER CALLED MEGHAN MARKLE NASTY.
MADE UP BY THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA, AND THEY GOT CAUGHT COLD!
WILL @CNN, @NYTIMES AND OTHERS APOLOGIZE?
DOUBT IT!" (AS TRUMP)
"AND WILL THE QUEEN APOLOGIZE FOR BEING A HATCHET-FACED HARPIE
WITH ICE WATER IN HER VEINS, WHICH IS A TERRIBLE INSULT THAT
I NEVER SAID?
WHERE IS MY APOLOGY?
FAKE ME!"ñr >> Jon: OH, MY.
MARKLE WILL NOT JOIN OTHER MEMBERS OF THE ROYAL FAMILY IN
MEETING WITH THE PRESIDENT, AS SHE IS ON MATERNITY LEAVE WITH
HER THREE-WEEK-OLD SON, ARCHIE.
OH, THAT'S SAD.
I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD MEET.
I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO THE NEW REALITY SHOW, "THE DUCHESS
AND THE DOUCHE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LAST WEEK, TRUMP WAS ACROSS THE OTHER, LARGER POND FOR A STATE
VISIT TO JAPAN.
AND THE BIG STORY WAS THAT PRIOR TO HIS VISIT, THE WHITE HOUSE
WANTED THE U.S. NAVY TO MOVE THE WARSHIP U.S.S. "JOHN S. MCCAIN"
OUT OF SIGHT.
YES, TRUMP WOULD HAVE BEEN ENRAGED IF HE SAW A SHIP WITH
HIS ARCH-NEMESIS ON IT.
THAT'S WHY THE NAVY WAS ALSO ASKED TO HIDE THE U.S.S.
"SALAD."
( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, THE NAVY PLACED A
GIANT TARP OVER JOHN MCCAIN'S NAME AND THEN HID IT WITH A
BARGE.
A TARP AND A BARGE?
KIND OF SEEMS LIKE OVERKILL.
(AS OFFICER) "HERE HE COMES!
TARP IT, BARGE IT, THROW IT IN THE OCEAN!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT FLOATS?!" ( LAUGHTER )