( APPLAUSE )
OUTFIT.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: I REALLY LIKE-- I REALLY LIKE THE BOLDNESS OF THAT
PINK.
WHAT WOULD YOU CALL THAT?
>> Jon: THAT IS LIKE BUBBLE GUM.
>> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
>> Jon: BUBBLE GUM ICE CREAM.
IT'S A GOOD VIBE TO FEEL THE COLORS OF YOUR CHILDHOOD.
>> Stephen: IT'S ALSO-- IT'S ALSO A REAL WAKE-ME-UP.
THAT'S A CUP OF COFFEE FOR MY EYES RIGHT NOW.
SPEAKING OF WAKING UP, TOMORROW YOU WILL BE ON "CBS MORNINGS."
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON "CBS MORNINGS"?
>> Jon: I'M SINGING A SONG AND IT'S CALLED "SING."
YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS IT.
IT'S A GREAT PERFORMANCE.
>> Stephen: WHAT TIME IS THAT SHOW ON?
WHEN DOES-- WHEN DOES THAT SHOW COME ON?
>> IT COMES ON AT 7:00.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE GOING TO OPEN IT UP WITH YOU.
>> Jon: I'LL BE ON THERE LATER ON, LATER AFTER 7:00.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T SEEM LIKE A 7:00 A.M. MAN TO ME.
>> Jon: YEAH, UNLESS I'VE STAYED UP FROM THE NIGHT
BEFORE...
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: JUST GOT TO DRIVE THROUGH.
>> Jon: YOU'RE JUST DRIVING ON HOME.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE SURE TO CHECK IT OUT.
>> Jon: TYPICALLY, YEAH.
>> Stephen: IS IT "MORNING" OR "CBS MORNINGS?"
IS IT PLURAL.
>> Jon: I THINK IT'S "MORNINGS."
>> Stephen: IT USED TO BE "CBS THIS MORNING."
SO IT WAS ONLY THAT MORNING THEY WERE WORRIED ABOUT, BUT EVERY
SHOW NOW IS ALL MORNINGS.
>> Jon: EVERY MORNING.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY.
I'LL HAVE TO CHECK IT OUT.
FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME OVER THERE, CARVING THE
FINEST, MOST-TOPICAL JAPANESE NEWS CYPRESS INTO AN EXPRESSIVE
HANNYA DEMON MASK, DONNING MY BLACK AND GOLDEN SHOZOKU ROBES
MADE OF THE SMOOTHEST STORY SILK, AND MASTERING AN ELABORATE
CHOREOGRAPHY OF STILLNESS AND MOVEMENT, TO CREATE THE JAPANESE
NOH THEATER PRODUCTION THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I ENTER A FUGUE STATE IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, SYPHON A BUCKETFUL OF GAS OUT OF MY
NEIGHBOR'S MAZDA, RUN BAREFOOT FROM MY HOUSE TO A HOVEL UNDER
THE TURNPIKE WHERE I ASK A HOBO FOR A LIGHT AND SET A GARBAGE
CAN ABLAZE, THEN PLACE MY FROSTBITTEN HANDS IN FRONT OF
THE DUMPSTER TO PROJECT THE SHADOW PUPPET WINO OPERA OF NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT, "MEANWHILE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OF FRESH AIR IS WHAT IT IS.
IT'S OXYGEN TO THE STARVED BRAIN.
MEANWHILE, THE SOUP SCIENTISTS AT HEINZ HAVE HAD A
BREAKTHROUGH, BECAUSE CHRISTMAS DINNER IN A CAN
PROMISES AN ANSWER TO SUPERMARKET SHORTAGES.
THAT'S RIGHT-- HOT, FESTIVE SLUDGE.
QUICK, CHILDREN, GATHER 'ROUND-- GRANDPA IS GOING TO CARVE THE
SOUP!
THE CAN REPORTEDLY CONTAINS BIG CHUNKS OF TURKEY, PIGS IN
BLANKETS, BRUSSELS SPROUTS, STUFFING BALLS, AND POTATOES,
WITH A GRAVY AND CRANBERRY SAUCE.
IT'S SO CONVENIENT WHEN FOOD GIVES YOU A PREVIEW OF WHAT
IT'LL LOOK LIKE WHEN YOU THROW IT UP LATER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BIG SOUP.
MEANWHILE, IN SPAIN-- THE PLACE WHERE AMERICAN COLLEGE KIDS GO
TO BECOME INTHUFFERABLE-- THERE'S AN ONGOING SCANDAL AFTER
A WOMAN WON A MILLION-EURO SPANISH LITERARY PRIZE.
THEN IT TURNED OUT THAT SHE WAS ACTUALLY THREE MEN.
THIS IS EVEN WORSE THAN LAST YEAR WHERE A MAN WON THE PRIZE,
BUT IT TURNED OUT THAT HE WAS ACTUALLY THREE KIDS INSIDE A
TRENCH COAT.
WHO CALIFORNIA CONDORS HAD VIRGIN BIRTHS.
SCIENTISTS MADE THE DISCOVERY WHEN THEY DID GENETIC TESTING
AND FOUND THAT NONE OF THE OTHER MALE BIRDS QUALIFIED TO BE THE
FATHERS OF EITHER CHICK BASED ON THE DIFFERENCES IN THEIR D.N.A.
I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THE THE MOMENT THE CONDORS
GOT THE NEWS.
>> YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: MEANWHILE, IN ENGLAND, A MOTHER AND SON
DISCOVERED A 100-YEAR-OLD LOVE NOTE HIDDEN UNDER A BROKEN
BEDROOM TILE, READING, "MY OWN DARLING, MY OWN, MY OWN, WILL
YOU TRY EVERY MORNING TO COME AND SEE ME.
BUT PLEASE DON'T TELL ANYONE, BECAUSE IT MUST BE A SECRET FOR
JUST YOUR EARS AND MINE."
"MY OWN, MY OWN"-- THEY REALLY KNEW HOW TO SWEET TALK BACK
THEN.
NOWADAYS, WHAT QUALIFIES AS A LOVE NOTE IS, "IT'S GETTING
LATE.
SMASH OR PASS?"
( APPLAUSE )
WHAT?
( LAUGHTER )
A NEW FLAVOR.
FLAVOR!
( LAUGHTER )
PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO LIKES EGG NOG BUT HATES THEMSELVES.
THEY'RE CALLING THIS ABOMINATION SELTZER NOG AND DEFINING IT AS
THE ORIGINAL HOLIDAY FAVE: EGG NOG WITH NOTES OF SWEET
CINNAMON AND VANILLA FLAVORS IN SELTZER FORM.
SO THE PERFECT THING TO CHASE DOWN YOUR CAN OF CHRISTMAS
DINNER.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MICHAEL C. HALL.
♪ ♪ ♪