I believe in my abilities to complete this song in one take.
It is now take seventeen but I will do it, I will!
Starting now...
Take eighteen
Nineteen
Take twenty
*exasperated* Take twenty-one! agh
Take twenty-two, here we go.
Take twenty-three
[music]
Well there's a place where you don't wanna be
where people, they die constantly
and they never die in normal ways.
It's preposterous but still cliché.
When your drug dealer's aunt killed your mom in a duel by chopping off her head with a scythe in the pool.
Well they're not sayin' it makes sense, they're just interpreting the evidence.
This is the plot to every television crime show, from CSI to Columbo.
And I think you know what's in store;
That guy we met in the first fifteen minutes will come back 'cause you know he did it.
I don't think they're trying anymore.
And I'm getting bored.
Well there's semen all over the crime scene so they use a super fancy semen testing machine,
and the DNA data base gets a hit, but it looks like he might still get away with it.
But the final piece of evidence totally stumps the bad guy's defense.
And he breaks down in front of everyone and tells them exactly how it was done.
This is the plot to every television crime show, from CSI to Columbo.
And I think you know what's in store;
That guy we met in the first fifteen minutes will come back 'cause you know he did it
They're not even trying anymore.
And I'm getting bored.
And by the middle of the first season
murder is eclipsed by sexual tension,
and I guess that probably happens a lot since crime solving people are always so hot.
But then a serial killer kidnaps the girl, and they promise to save her if it costs them the world.
And they find her two seconds before she dies
and they hug and they laugh and they screw and they cry.
This is the plot to every television crime show, from CSI to Columbo.
And I think you know what's in store;
That guy we met in the first fifteen minutes will come back 'cause you know he did it.
They're not even trying anymore.
And I'm getting bored.
So bored.
I could be like David Caruso now and be like:
that was a one taker
take one-er... one, one of fire.
It doesn't matter what he says as long as he takes off his glasses first
it's like 'Ohhh, David Caruso took off his glasses and said somethin' duuumb.'
You know what's better than television crime shows?
John Green's books.
Actually, all books,
little anti-smoking Korean baby keychains,
low fat Homestyle canned chicken soup,
fake hands,
video games,
aaaand also YouTube.
YouTube is a pretty big, pretty big pwner.
Pretty big pwner, that's like what this guitar is right now.
It's my pwner (*cracks himself up*)
I find that to be a very funny joke.
You know how Woody Guthrie's guitar killed fascists?
My guitar's a pwner.
Can I use that joke? Is that OK?
There's no way I could NOT use that joke.
Remember down there in the comments if you leave John Green's favorite ten-word comment of the day
you will receive a free copy of the paper back of Paper Towns
and I know you want it!
Oh, and by the way, I recently had an idea.
I think it would be really cool if people submitted clips of themselves doing this:
and that's all, and we can use that to end the show.
You don't even have to make the noise because I'll put the noise in, but just like:
And you can send those to our new address!