>> HELLO. HI.
OKAY. I'M AMERICA'S VOICE OF REASON
AND CELEBRITY HALL PASS FOR SOME REASON, DR. FAUCI.
THE VACCINE ROLLOUT IS GOING STRONG BUT IT IS ALSO VERY
CONFUSING. WHO CAN GET IT?
HOW? WHEN?
WHERE IS IT? DO BOTH DOSES GO IN THE SAME ARM
OR DIFFERENT ARMS OR WHAT? I DON'T KNOW.
SO TONIGHT WE GIVE EVERYDAY AMERICANS THE CHANCE TO VIE FOR
VACCINE ELIGIBILITY ON A LITTLE SHOW WE LIKE TO CALL "SO YOU
THINK YOU CAN GET THE VACCINE." VERY GOOD.
HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE NAME OF THE GAME SHOW I JUST SAID.
OKAY. GETTING THE VACCINE SHOULDN'T BE
A COMPETITION, BUT AMERICANS WILL ONLY WANT TO GET IT IF IT
MEANS SOMEONE ELSE CAN'T, SO LET'S MEET OUR PANEL OF JUDGES
WHO ARE ALL -- GET EXCITED -- FAMOUS GOVERNORS!
FIRST, HE'S HATED BY EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN CALIFORNIA
EXCEPT THOSE TEN PEOPLE HE HAD DINNER WITH IN NAPA THAT ONE
TIME. PLEASE WELCOME GOVERNOR GAVIN
NEWSOM. >> HEY.
WHAT CAN I SAY? I LOVE DINNER.
>> THAT'S GREAT. HOW ARE THINGS GOING IN
CALIFORNIA? >> TEETH, WHITE.
BODY, TIGHT. COVID, PRETTY BAD.
>> NEXT, HE'S CURRENTLY UNDER FIRE FOR FUTZING WITH OLD DEAD
PEOPLE AND ALSO FOR THE KIND OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT ALLEGATIONS
THAT MAKE YOU GO, "YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT."
IT IS NEW YORK'S GOVERNOR, ANDREW CUOMO.
>> YES, HELLO. NICE BODIES, SOME OF YOU.
I KNOW, I'M IN THE FRIGGING DOGHOUSE AGAIN.
REMEMBER WHEN YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE WAS MY POWERPOINTS?
REMEMBER, TODAY IS TUESDAY? WHEN CAN WE GO BACK TO THAT?
I MEAN, COME ON. >> OKAY.
OUR NEXT JUDGE NARROWLY ESCAPED BEING KIDNAPPED BY A GROUP OF
MEN WHOSE FINGERPRINTS PROBABLY HAD CHEETOS DUST ON THEM.
PLEASE WELCOME THE GOVERNOR OF MICHIGAN, GRETCHEN WHITMER.
>> HEY THERE. IT IS AN HONOR TO BE HERE WITH
MY FELLOW GOVERNORS. PEOPLE YELL AT THIS ABOUT THEIR
POLICIES AND THEY YELL AT ME, "GET HER!
." HEY, THAT'S LIFE.
>> OKAY. JUDGES, ALL OF OUR CONTESTANTS
DESPERATELY WANT THE VACCINE BUT AN ESSENTIAL WORKER CAN DIFFER
IN EVERY STATE. SO IN CALIFORNIA IT IS --
>> POLICE, HOSPITAL STAFF, NEURO PATHS AND PSYCHICS.
>> AND IN MICHIGAN IT IS? >> FISHERS, TRUCKERS, TRAPPERS
AND DRUNK ARLDS. >> AND IN NEW YORK IT'S?
>> TOUGH GUYS, WISE GUYS, RICH GUYS AND FIVE GUYS.
AND I DON'T TAKE OFF POINTS IF YOU'RE PRETTY.
>> HEY, ENOUGH. ENOUGH.
TONIGHT'S GAME AND THE VACCINE IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY CVS.
COME FOR THE SHOT, LEAVE WITH A LOLLIPOP FROM TWO HALLOWEENS
AGO. OUR VERY FIRST CONTESTANT'S VERY
NERVOUS TO BE HERE AND EXCITED TO BE HERE.
PLEASE WELCOME JANE F. >> HELLO.
I'M FROM MICHIGAN. GO WOLVERINES.
>> OH, WELL, HI. NICE TO SEE A FELLOW MICHIGANDE.
>> OH, THANKS. I ACTUALLY VOTED FOR.
>> OH, THAT'S NICE. >> I VOTED FOR YOU TO GET
KIDNAPPED, BUT STILL. >> OKAY.
I'LL TAKE IT. TELL US WHY YOU'RE HERE.
>> I THINK I DESERVE THE VACCINE BECAUSE I'M AN ESSENTIAL WORKER.
>> THAT'S NICE. WHAT DO YOU DO?
>> I TEE FOR THE ONLY FANS WEBSITE SO I AM BUSY.
>> DO YOU HAVE ANY PREEXISTING CONDITIONS?
>> I HAVE A REALLY BAD ATTITUDE. I'M ALLERGIC TO DUST, AND I
DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS ANYTHING BUT I HAVE HERPES.
>> SWEETHEART, THAT DOESN'T GET YOU THE VACCINE.
>> WHAT! THEN WHY DID I JUST SAY THAT ON
TV. >> OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
A REMINDER, ANY CONTESTANT NOT GOING HOME WITH A VACCINE WILL
TAKE HOME ONE OF OUR HIGHLY DESIRABLE CONSOLATION PRIZES
LIKE A PFIZER VISOR. IT IS A VISOR WITH THE WORD
PFIZER ON IT. IF YOU DON'T GET THE VACCINE,
YOU MIGHT TAKE HOME MAXINE, THE CRANKY, MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN FROM
THE HALLMARK CARD, AVAILABLE AT CVS.
CVS. IT STANDS FOR CHECKS MIX, VODKA
AND SO MUCH PLAN B. NOW, OUR NEXT CONTESTANT ASKED
ME TO TELL YOU SHE IS VERY, VERY OLD.
FOR REAL, SHE'S NOT EVEN KIDDING.
OKAY, PLEASE WELCOME KENDALL FRYE.
>> HELLO. I'M OLD.
I LOVE HARD CANDY AND, BOY, DO I STAND GOING TO CHURCH.
>> HUH, SOMETHING SEEMS OFF ABOUT HER.
>> YEAH, SHE JUST SAID STAND. >> I THINK WE GOT ANOTHER
PRETEND GRANNY. >> OKAY, FINE.
LISTEN, THERE'S A GUY I BEEN TALKING TO FOR TEN YEARS, AND HE
JUST GOT OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP AND HE'S IN TOWN TONIGHT.
GIVE ME THE VACCINE. >> OKAY.
AND WHAT ARE YOUR RISKS? >> MY RISK IS THAT I MAY POP,
SIR. >> SORRY, SWEETHEART, YOU'RE NOT
ELIGIBLE. >> WOW.
OKAY. ON THE SECOND TO LAST DAY OF
BLACK HISTORY MONTH? WOW.
>> THANKS AGAIN TO OUR SPONSOR, CVS.
WE HAVE THE RECEIPTS, AND THEY'RE LONG
I DON'T GET THAT JOKE. I DON'T MIND SAYING IT.
I JUST DON'T GET IT. ALL RIGHT.
OUR NEXT CONTESTANT IS EXPECTING TO HAVE A BABY.
>> HI. I'M PREGNANT.
CAN I GET THE VACCINE? >> I DON'T KNOW.
CAN YOU? >> FINE.
MAY I GET THE VACCINE? >> NO, THAT WASN'T A GRAMMAR
THING. I WAS GENUINELY ASKING.
WE HAVE NO IDEA. >> YOU DON'T KNOW?
>> UH, LET'S JUST GIVE IT TO HER?
>> UNFORTUNATELY, WE'RE RUNNING A LITTLE LOW ON MODERNA BUT WE
HAVE SOME TRIALS FOR THE KIRKLAND SIGNATURE VACCINE
DEVELOPED BY COSTCO. IT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR YOU AND
YOUR LITTLE ONE AND IT COMES WITH A FREE PACK OF 24 HOT DOGS.
>>> NEXT WE HAVE RONALD WHO IS A PROUD SMOKER FROM NEW JERSEY.
>> HI. I AM RONALD FROM NEW JERSEY, AND
I LOVE CIGARETTES. >> ARE YOU JUST SAYING THAT
BECAUSE IN NEW JERSEY THEY'RE GIVING THE VACCINE TO SMOKERS?
>> WHAT? NO, I LOVE SMOKING.
I LOVE THE SQUISHY PART, THE BURNY PART.
IT'S ALL MY FAVORITE. OKAY, THIS IS TERRIBLE.
I GOT TO GET SOME WATER. OKAY, BYE.
>> GIVE IT UP FOR THAT LIFELONG SMOKER.
OUR NEXT CONTESTANT IS -- THEY DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT -- FRESH OFF
HIS APPEARANCE YESTERDAY AT CPAC.
OH, GOD. IT'S TED CRUZ.
>> YEAH, SENATOR TED CRUZ, PERFORMING TALENT OF STAND-UP
COMEDY. OH, IT IS GREAT TO BE BACK IN
NEW YORK CITY. I'M SORRY.
MY ARMS ARE TIRED BECAUSE I JUST FLEW BACK FROM CANCUN, MEXICO.
BUT CAN YOU REALLY BLAME A BROTHER FOR WANTING SOME SUN?
UH-OH. UH-OH, HERE COMES MY CATCH
PHRASE I SPENT ALL DAY YESTERDAY SCREAMING.
FREEDOM! >>WOW.
IT'S BEEN QUITE A NIGHT AND WE ARE DOWN TO OUR LAST CONTESTANT.
LET'S BRING HIM OUT. >> HELLO.
MY NAME IS SEYMOUR FOREMAN AND I'M 85 YEARS YOUNG.
I WAS AN ARMY DOCTOR, BUT NOW I'M JUST THE WORLD'S PROUDEST
GRANDDAD. >> AH.
WOW, YOU GOT IT ALL. >> YOU WIN.
>> YOU GET THE VACCINE. >> OH, WONDERFUL.
SO DO I GET IT HERE OR BACKSTAGE?
>> OH, NO. YOU CAN'T GET IT HERE.
YOU GOT TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT ONLINE.
>> ON WHAT? OH, NO.
HOW DO I DO THAT? >> DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER?
>> FOR SPIDER SOLITAIRE. >> WELL, IS THERE A YOUNG PERSON
WHO COULD HELP YOU? >> PERHAPS THE MAILMAN.
>> NOW, DOES HE HAVE THREE STRAIGHT DAYS TO HELP YOU CLICK
REFRESH? >> I DON'T THINK HE DOES.
HE SEEMS BUSY. >> OH, SO CLOSE.
BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME. >> BUT IF YOU DO FEEL SICK, MAKE
SURE YOU LEAVE THE NURSING HOME AND GET TO THE HOSPITAL.
WINK. >> OH, NO!
>> ALL RIGHT. THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE AND
I'M JUST GETTING WORD THE POWER WENT OUT AT A CVS NEARBY.
THE VACCINES ARE GOING TO EXPIRE, SO IT IS FIRST COME,
FIRST STAB. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"! ♪♪♪