WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FRIDAY CROWD.
THAT'S ELECTRIC.
THIS ROOM IS SOAKED WITH GASOLINE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHO HAS A MATCH!
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S WHAT THAT IS RIGHT THERE.
EVERYBODY IS STILL TALKING ABOUT THE BIG KAVANAUGH-BLASEY FORD
HEARING YESTERDAY.
ONE ASSUMES.
I DON'T KNOW.
I ACTUALLY TAPED THIS MONOLOGUE YESTERDAY, WHICH MEANS I CAN'T
TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED REGARDING BRETT KAVANAUGH, WHICH, BASED ON
HIS DRINKING, SEEMS TO BE SOMETHING I HAVE IN COMMON WITH
BRETT KAVANAUGH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT-- I GO TO SLEEP.
I GO TO SLEEP.
I DON'T BLACK OUT.
I GO TO SLEEP!
BUT I CAN TELL YOU THIS: THIS SEAL THAT ATTACKED A
KAYAKER WITH AN OCTOPUS.
>> WHOA!
>> Stephen: NOW, WITHOUT KNOWING--
WITHOUT KNOWING WHETHER THE COMMITTEE VOTED TO CONFIRM BRETT
KAVANAUGH OR REJECT BRETT KAVANAUGH, I BELIEVE THIS IS THE
PERFECT METAPHOR EITHER WAY.
YOU SEE, THE SEAL REPRESENTS THE PATRIARCHY, AND IT'S USING THE
OCTOPUS-- AKA, BRETT KAVANAUGH SUPREME COURT SEE THE-- TO
ATTACK THE KAYAKER-- OR THE WOMEN OF AMERICA.
OR THE COMMITTEE REJECTED KAVANAUGH, IN WHICH CASE, THE
SEAL IS KAVANAUGH'S ACCUSERS, THE KAYAK IS BRETT KAVANAUGH,
AND THE OCTOPUS IS JUSTICE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I ALSO-- GOT A NOTE ON THAT.
REMEMBER.
I ALSO-- I ALSO-- I ALSO THINK WE SHOULD USE THIS AS AN EXCUSE
TO WATCH THAT VIDEO AGAIN.
( LAUGHTER )
ANOTHER ANIMAL.
( LAUGHTER )
HERE'S ONE THING THAT UNITED STATES US ALL:
NONE OF US CAN FIGURE OUT HOW OUR COMPUTERS WORK, NOT EVEN
ROBERT MUELLER, WHO WAS SPOTTED THIS WEEK AT THE APPLE GENIUS
BAR.
"LET'S JUST SAY, HYPOTHETICALLY, LOST A VERY, VERY IMPORTANT
FILE.
IT'S CALLED ivankaconfession.pdf.
I KNOW IT'S HERE SOMEWHERE.
ALSO, CAN YOU REMOVE RUSSIAN SPYWARE FROM A PERSON'S SKULL?"
AND YOU'LL NOTICE THAT MUELLER'S WIFE IS NEXT TO HIM, SO THIS
MIGHT NOT BE RUSSIA-RELATED AT ALL.
"OH, SO YOU CAN PULL OFF THE BIGGEST INVESTIGATION IN
DECADES, BUT YOU CAN'T GET MY iPHOTO TO STOP GOING INTO
SLIDESHOW MODE?" PLEASE!
OF COURSE, THE MIDTERMS ARE COMING UP.
WHAT ARE WE FOURTH-- FOURTH DAYS AWAY, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
IT'S A ROUNDING ERROR.
THAT MEANS THE AIRWAVES ARE FULL OF POLITICAL ATTACK ADS.
BUT ONE AD IN ARIZONA HAD EVERYONE TALKING THIS WEEK.
HERE'S A COMMERCIAL GOING AFTER ARIZONA CONGRESSMAN PAUL GOSAR,
FEATURING SEVERAL PEOPLE WHO REALLY DO NOT LIKE PAUL GOSAR.
>> PAUL GOSAR, THE CONGRESSMAN, ISN'T DOING ANYTHING TO HELP
RURAL AMERICA.
>> PAUL'S ABSOLUTELY NOT WORKING FOR HIS DISTRICT.
>> IF THEY CARE ABOUT HEALTHCARE, THEY CARE ABOUT
THEIR CHILDREN'S HEALTHCARE, THEY WOULD HOLD HIM TO ACCOUNT.
>> AND HE'S NOT LISTENING TO YOU.
AND HE DOESN'T HAVE YOUR INTERESTS AT HEART.
MY NAME IS TIM GOSAR.
>> DAVID GOSAR.
>> GRACE GOSAR.
>> JOAN GOSAR.
>> GASTON GOSAR.
>> JENNIFER GOSAR.
>> PAUL GOSAR IS MY BROTHER.
>> MY BROTHER.
>> AND I ENDORSE DR. BRILL.
>> DR. BRILL.
>> WHOLEHEARTEDLY ENDORSE DR. DAVID BRILL FOR CONGRESS.
>> I'M DR. DAVID BRILL, AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WOW.
I BET YOU DO!
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S LIKE IF THE END OF "THE SIXTH SENSE" IT WAS JUST ALL OF
BRUCE WILLIS' BROTHERS COME OUT TO TELL HIM WHAT A DUMBED ASS HE
IS.
"THIS DINGUS DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS DEAD THE WHOLE TIME.
LOOK DOWN, YOU'VE GOT A BULLET HOLE IN YOUR STOMACH, YOU
DUMBASS."
ACCORDING TO "THE NEW YORK TIMES," PAUL GOSAR'S SIBLINGS
WERE ALARMED AT WHAT THEY SAW AS PAUL'S INCREASINGLY EXTREMIST
VIEWS ON IMMIGRATION, HEALTHCARE, AND WHITE
SUPREMACISTS.
HE ALSO NEVER THREW IN FOR DAD'S NOISE-CANCELING HEADPHONES ON
HIS BIRTHDAY, EVEN THOUGH THE CARD SAID IT WAS FROM ALL OF US.
( LAUGHTER )
SUPPORTER: HIS DEAR OLD MOM, WHO TOLD REPORTERS SHE WAS "SHOCKED"
AND "CRUSHED" BY THE ADS, ADDING "I SHARE THE SAME PHILOSOPHY AND
POLICIES THAT PAUL DOES.
HE'S DONE A HELL OF A JOB FOR ARIZONA."
A RINGING ENDORSEMENT: "PAUL GOSAR: A GONGRESSMAN ONLY A
MOTHER COULD LOVE."
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS, RIGHT?
>> Jon: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: IT'S THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS.
ACCORDING TO "THE TIMES," GOSAR'S OPPONENT, DAVID BRILL,
STATES THAT "THERE ARE MANY MORE VIDEOS TO COME, THOUGH HE
WOULDN'T SPECIFY HOW MANY."
LUCKILY, WE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW"" HAVE GOT OR HANDS ON ONE
OF THESE UPCOMING ADS.
>> HE'S MORE CONCERNED WITH BIG-MONEY DONORS THAN WORKING
PEOPLE.
TAKE IT FROM ME.
I'M ACTUALLY PAUL GOSAR AND I SUCK.
IF YOU THINK MY SIBLINGS HATE ME, THAT'S NOTHING COMPARED TO
HOW MUCH I HATE MYSELF.
I'M A BAD CONGRESSMAN, A BAD BROTHER, AND TO BE HONEST, I'M
NOT WIN ANYTHING HUSBAND AWARDS EITHER.
MY OPPONENT DOESN'T WANT TO TAKE A STAND BUT I'LL SAY IT-- I DONT
DESERVE LOVE.
OH!
WHY DID YOU SAY THAT IN STUPID!
STUPID!
SO THIS ELECTION DAY, REMEMBER, PAUL GOSAR, 2018.
HE'S ME, AND I'M BAD!
>> I'M DR. DAVID BRILL AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE.
>> ME, TOO!